happy birthday to me

so, yesterday was my birthday. im doing a lot better in the last few weeks, and now i have had the best birthday. yesterday i was having a hungover brunch with a sweet friend of mine-the wind was blowing the trees around-the energy-just cannot explain-but it felt perfect. it felt like life could not be any sweeter than this moment. i have a life full of beautiful friends who love me. i have done the things i wanted to do. the last year of my life has been a mecca of travel and experience. i had a lovely dinner with my mom last night and i just had to tell her-"if anything happens to me, never look at it as tragic because my life has been amazing and i have gotten so many wonderful things out of it." jessie and i are so morbid-we think about our deaths. we have a pact to be each others suicide-assist person in case of a debilitating accident or something. but, i really love her for this. i always felt freaky but she gets me. its good to know that if ever wind up on a ventilator as a veggie that there is someone who is committed to putting air bubbles in my iv drip. i got a lot of cool presents, which is totally about the gesture. its been years since i got a birthday gift. im just feeling so at peace. thinking of going back to school. not running-staying here. putting down some roots and seeing if i can change the things i want to change without marooning myself on an island. not quite sure yet, we will see. i ran into someone i had a crazy amount of love for over the weekend. our talk was so good. it felt so good to be close. he still has feelings, he feels its not done. i feel justified for still feeling the way i do for him. when i saw him my heart stopped for a second....
im going to dallas this weekend for the close of the show. even though i had to leave early i felt like i would be unhappy if i wasnt thre for the close. then jess and i are renting a car and driving to austin. i cannot wait for this. the death anniversaries of my dad and my lovely aunt are this week along with my birthday, so i have to work to keep my spirits up-to stay happy. on the way to austin i have a treasure map of sorts that will show my something i have wanted to see for a long time, a place i wanted to someday be at home at. im very excited. i feel so incredibly blessed right now. good friends, happy life. and now i get to go see one of the coolest shows ever, and say goodbye to that time in my life.