mutant, i
so, today i feel like a monster. not like a cute cookie monster-like that movie-MONSTER. and not that im a hooker, or a serial killer, or a lesbian. just that feeling that comes from within that screams "ugly, mutant, monstrosaurus." "unworthy of love, or respect, or happiness, or even a dental plan." then i feel EVEN MORE like a monster because i say to myself "what in the fuck are you upset about-you are alive, healthy, not in jail or on illegal drugs, you have no children to support, and even if you could use a dental plan you STILL HAVE YOUR TEETH!!!! you havnt lost them to drugs, or men, or chewing on rocks because you have mental issues." and then i say "well, fuck that! its not always enough just to have your choppers!" and then "you INCREDIBLY STUPID BITCH-you have gotten to experience things that others dream about and you feel whiny because you have had too much to drink lately, and you feel like life is empty?!?! what the hell is your problem?" "well, im lonely."
"well, deal with it-everyones lonely-you are nothing special." and on and on and on...im quite hard on myself lately. im in a vicious cycle of something. i find myself praying for an accident, anything that will just change everything. this is why i feel like a monster. i feel like a rip in the skin, fresh blood thats drying to a stain. i feel shadowed. i used to feel malevolent energy around me all the time. then it stopped, completely. lately i feel like its hovering just outside of my peripheral vision, seeping in the cracks of my windows, waiting for me to go too far.....i dont even know how to explain whats im feeling. bear with me, someday i will be funny again. right now i just have to vent this all-cause im fading. im wondering if any of us will EVER get what we want. i still feel like im somehow prepping for my "real life" whatever that is. does it involve a sweet home with animals, a man who loves me, a blond baby, A DENTAL PLAN????? god, i hope so...
"well, deal with it-everyones lonely-you are nothing special." and on and on and on...im quite hard on myself lately. im in a vicious cycle of something. i find myself praying for an accident, anything that will just change everything. this is why i feel like a monster. i feel like a rip in the skin, fresh blood thats drying to a stain. i feel shadowed. i used to feel malevolent energy around me all the time. then it stopped, completely. lately i feel like its hovering just outside of my peripheral vision, seeping in the cracks of my windows, waiting for me to go too far.....i dont even know how to explain whats im feeling. bear with me, someday i will be funny again. right now i just have to vent this all-cause im fading. im wondering if any of us will EVER get what we want. i still feel like im somehow prepping for my "real life" whatever that is. does it involve a sweet home with animals, a man who loves me, a blond baby, A DENTAL PLAN????? god, i hope so...
posted by lightaqua at 6:28 PM
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5 Comments:
you know its like this: there are the big wants and the small pleasures. like the sunset tonight over the bridge in seattle, for a moment life was perfect. then im home getting dressed for a goth show and i just feel ugly and alone again wanting the big want...love, home, aniamls...and its just a pendulum swing. maybe its cause aliens are coming and we are here for a larger purpose then ourselves. or maybe cause there are no gauruntees no matter how wrong that feels...but the one constant is that every human is in the same boat. and it wouldnt suprise me that if we had the big wants we still feel all fucked up. you know? i guess as usual it always comes down to one thing: the moment. appreciate it. even if that moment is psychotic tears of pain. the lesson never stops being delt. our lives arent entirely our own. peace can only be made when we let go and surrender our will to the mystery and to the light. c'est la vie, no? well, for what its worth, i love your monster and i know you love mine.
i have been on this torturous quest to find out who i am for almost 11 years now. i looked in the mirror one day when i was 33 years old. i hated the alcoholic that was staring back at me. i am nowhere near to finding myself, i keep making the same mistakes over and over especially getting involved wit women who are emotionally inept as i am. relationships cause me unbearable pain. I feel different lately though, like maybe my karma has been lifted or that i finally realize that strength and comfort comes from within myself. I am not going to get it from someone else. The whole abuse thing affects our life profoundly no matter how forgiving or open minded we try to be. At least for me the monster runs at a subconcious level and waits for a trigger or an opportunity. When I realized it was there it grew stronger and wanted me dead. I want so much to be able to... I want to say kill it but I know the monster is only wearing a mask and behind that mask is me.
its true...peace comes from within.
I really like that Ani difranco song.... monsters are scary stuff sometimes.
my friend jenn here in seattle said something to me about her houseplant that changed my life. the houseplant had been dying for years then it started growing out of nowhere. she was cleaning it and said " this plant has been dying for years then one day it just decided to flourish" thats all it takes. just a decision and the work that comes along with it. that day i decided to flourish. wiping down her plants that day helped. reminded me how fragile, delicate and small life if. that day i wiped down plants and did dishes. i tended to mundane tasks. i remembered thats how things grow. thats my story. you are very brave for being so candid and honest. i wish more people would read your blog. you are inspiring and healing even though your monster wont let you see that right now.
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