crash victim

so, today i hit a wall-hard. around eleven in the morning. after once again drinking way too much and allowing myself to be in less-than-satisfactory-situations. i do not pity myself, i make these choices. but im wisin' up. i cant take on an alcoholic, no matter how sweet he may be. i need to check myself. make sure im not getting a problem im going to have to worry about. im sad that somewhere inside of me i seek the approval of drunk old men. let me clarify cause that sounds terrible...
i mean, when im going around to every seedy bar in town with a certain sweet man who has a drinking problem-it makes me happy when i get the approval of his friends aka-fellow drunks. this is the first guy i have really, sweetly liked in a very long time. the closest ive come to feeling like i have a boyfriend in forever. and i want to cry right now because he has emotional stuff going on i cannot begin to understand how to deal with. and i ache because if he saw me cry he would hate it because according to him, crying is for the weak-when you cry you get hit. he was emotionally damaged in a way very few people on earth could understand. and he will never let me in. at the first sign of intimacy he would turn into a twelve year old-crude jokes, noogies, wedgies, pinches. he left bruises all over me. "he dont mean no haaaarm, he just dont know-what else to do about it." i cant save him. i cant save anyone. but he certainly invokes that feeling in me. i just want to hold his head, and pull him into the nook under my chin and kiss the top of his head over and over until he doesnt hurt anymore. fuck, i want someone to do that to me-with all my heart. i ache right now with all my heart. here is jens heart on a platter-look if you care. keith in his sweetest moment was so good, so healthy for me. had it so together. accept that one crucial thing....(no comments, please-i know, i know-and you know what,-i dont care right now-i hurt.) they say you never really get over someone until someone else steals your heart. so far the contenders are everything from ridiculous to heartbreaking, and they all fall so sadly short. i want crazy, passionate love. i want that connection that gives you butterflies AND makes you feel safe. i want someone who loves me for what i am. someone who doesnt care if i gain or lose, if my toenails are not painted, if i cry, if im bitchy, or silly. i want someone i can look bad, and i mean at my worst moment in front of without fear of losing their love. i am so flawed, so imperfect. the only thing close to perfect is my love-how much im willing to give to you honestly and without reserve. my prayer is for the one who will give back as much as they get. i dont want anymore games, anymore betrayal. i want to be in love again. im going to gently work on changing some things in my life right now. i want to quit smoking-for real and for good, i want to lower my alcohol intake, i want my body to feel strong and healthy again. i want to glow. right now i feel like a shadow, or a stain. too many hours spent in dark bars. i had a lot of fun but its changed now. i guess this was my way of dealing with getting off tour. a four month bender-lovely. thats why i hit the wall, had such amazing clarity this morning. how its affecting everything down to not even being able to write. i know i will be happy forever. nothing has permanately
damaged me. i am not broken-only a little bruised. and they will fade.