"i gotta peaceful, easy feeling..."

so, im so peaceful right now. aaaaaaaaahhhhh....
i just read back over several of my blogs for the last two months, and some part of myself is giggling while another sighs and shakes her head. i ask myself, "honestly, do you always have to take it to the extreme? always?" its amazing, because as truly fucked up as i felt two weeks ago-im totally back on track now. i told jess we were pulling out of it...back at work, back at school. im just like a little kid if i dont have something to occupy me and keep me busy-i get in trouble! so far im doing great in school. ive had four tests in different classes and got 98% or higher on all. (always been a good tester-ive got the great short term memory.)back at the lovely spa. although i did have a crazy reaction there my first day back.i was doing my first massage of the day and i felt myself becoming so, so sad-for no reason. it took me a few hours to figure out. "they" say that the sense of smell creates the strongest emotional reactions. well, the period that i worked in that spa before i went out on the road was one of the worst times in my life. i was severely depressed. i had stoppped eating so i always felt tired, and whenever i didnt have a massage i would go in my room (at work) and bury my face in the sheets and cry. this went on for three very long months. so i realized that all the spa products are the same-the lotions, the hand sanitizer, the detergent for the sheets-and all these scents just totally took me right back to that place in time. once i figured out what it was i was fine-im in a totally different place now. but for a moment it was really weird. like a year and a half of my life disapeared and i was droppped right where i left off. i had never been anywhere, or seen anything-i had always been there stuck in that very awful moment.
but now-its a happy place for me. its getting me to bed early, its working my hands again. my thumbs were sore last night and it made me so happy. like how after really good sex you can be sore, but still enjoy the sensation of it because of what it represents. yeah, just like that. i do love massage so much-which is why i dont want it to be my source of income. i end up getting bored or irritated with everything i have to do for money which is why im back in school. i dont want to end up hating massage. now that its boring tales of school and work-(like i forecasted...)-i think i might start telling old stories on this blog. i keep getting people saying i need to write more, about my life, my past-my history. we will see if i can get motivated to do this. i could tell you about the time i ran away when i was 14, or about a crazy hungarian woman i lived with, being a welfare druggie in n. california, or a repressed married young woman in Prague. or maybe my dreams....like last night, being in my dream house that was acually built around an oak tree, so you could either take the stairs or climb the tree to the upper floors. maybe i wont preface whether a story is a dream or truly part of my past-then its up to the reader to decide. kind of like that cheesy show on the sci-fi channel-"fact or fiction"
my absolute favorite song of the moment is learning to fly by pink floyd. "...cant keep my eyes from the circling skies, tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, i...."