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so, i dont know how to start this blog. well, school started this week. it has alternately been fun and terrifying. i still am not sure if im even doing the right thing, and for about four hours on tues. i seriously considered dropping out and becoming a bartender. im in a weird place today. i have a bad hangover (broken record syndrome.) luckily, my class (that i pitifully dragged myself too) let out after a half hour. (first day, introductions are quick.) im meepy. for those who dont know what that is-remember "beaker" from the muppets? well, he made that sound whenver the crazy professor was up to something-meep-meep-MEEP. its a silly, sad little sound that is desperate, afraid, hopeful. it really encompasses a whole range of human emotion in one little sound, and often its the perfect example of how im feeling. meepy. (kind of like bleary-blurry, tearful, too much beer.) anyway, last night i had bad dreams. real bad, like where people i care about turn on me, hurt me. dreams of insecurity, basically. i was told by the sweet man (in my dream) to stay out of the bar, to get a life. i know this is my subconcious, not him, but im still bummed. because this means my little innermost person is very displeased with me lately-with my choices. i was told recently i have terrible taste in men-and this was from an ex who added that he was included in that! he suggested a dating service since "im one of the very few who literally should not be able to pick on my own."
this didnt bother me at all-its kind of funny in a hang my head in my hands kind of way. my throat is sore today from screaming like a banshee all the way home last night while driving. this is unusual for me. normally keep it in, stay reserved, dont look ugly. last night i met a man in the bar who can bend metal. for real. he did it twice right in front of me. first with my coin, then with a key i dont use. between his thumb and forefinger with my face inches away. i saw it just melt over for lack of a better way to put it. no tricks. he was even drunk, its just something he was born with. its left me with a slightly unsettled feeling of awe. there is the divine, and the ordinary. and once in a great while there is someone who falls in-between; its not often you are in the company of someone like that. his website for anyone interested is "whatdidijustsee.com"-check it out.
i think between the dream last night, and some other stuff going on-im done. i am determined to have a better life. im at the point where im not having fun anymore-it feels like im punishing myself for something enstead. and thats just ridiculous. i used to smile constantly, and now it feels kind of unnatural when i do. school is so good for me. its already brought my mind into focus. i like being in class, i like having instructions to follow and assignments to complete. i have always liked school. and i am so grateful that i have the ability to be in school, so i know i wont blow it off over any of this other shit. its time to get right with myself.