emotional hangover

so, tonight i am suffering from a terrible hang-over of the emotional variety. i guess i could say its resulting from a variety of things all culminating at once. yesterday, a party. a "fun" event that included dodging emotional landmines set by superficial people that mostly dont know any better. i got to see the only man i ever wanted to marry walk in with a girl named jennifer who isnt me. its the first time i have seen him with someone else, and it was acually a bit anticlimatic after two years of wondering how it would feel. i was quite drunk by then. i smiled at her. its not her fault. maybe it would be easier if she seemed like a snobby model type girl who i could never compete with. enstead, a friendly girl-someone i would probably like and get along with. i would have liked to have talked to her. not for some mean, or self-punishing reason. i felt bad for her. all the girls there out of some drunken, warped sense of loyalty to me (or perhaps just as an excuse to be bitches) kind of bad-mouthed her to me after they said hello and walked past. i asked them to please stop. she has done nothing wrong, she is not prettier or uglier than me, she doesnt seem snotty-just quiet in response to several girls falling silent and/or ignoring her. i smiled. i wanted to ask her what she does, something to let her know i have no problem with her. (altough knowing him, she probably has no clue who i am anyway.) i was afraid to talk to her, although my motives were innocent i didnt want to look like i was digging for information. maybe there is something in her that will make him happy, make him desire honesty and committment. i handled it just fine. it didnt hurt like i had amagined-just a strange feeling of "once upon a time...." but, i did drink too much. drove home blurry-eyed, probably dangerous. i went to my sweet friends house to vent and calm down. continued drinking. my sweet, smart friend took my keys. no one has ever done that for me before. i got angry. we wrestled, me half serious-half joking. i felt so rough and almost out of control. she did nothing to hurt me, just kept me from hurting her and let me get all of the aggression out of my system. then she held my head in her lap and let me cry like a three-year old when i broke. when i got home i was only able to sleep for a few hours, and then my drunk woke me up again. i cried more, like i havnt cried in as long as i can remember. when im exhausted i lose every bit of rational, like im on a drug. i become a broken, emotion-monster unreachable. its not a pretty side of me-but it is part of me, a holdover from another lifetime of many bad drug comedowns. i, now as an adult, recognise when a really bad episode of this is coming on. i took some sleeping pills and wandered from room to room trying to keep my mind busy till i passed from conciousness. today, a daze of it all. its not about him, just what he represents. a lost ideal. my longing for a new love to come into my life and help me rebuild my faith. tonight i wander again, felt another blowout coming. so now, i wait patiently for my sleeping pills to kick in so that i may sleep peacefully tonight and not dream of my own failures, real or imagined. in a little while, i will be fine. tonight i hope i dream of love, and sweetness. i do hope she makes him happy.