insomnia, my dark master

so, i have insomnia. my old friend insomnia that seems to gain strength with each day. as i laid awake, i realized something-i have started every written post with the word so. and it wasnt intentional! and i didnt know for sure, so i got on up, went through all the shit of starting up grandma's computer and had to check. (and sure enough i have-except for the "attention" message but that was written by the administrator so it doesnt really count.) you see, i realized it was an "insomnia trigger type" thought. something completely useless and random that i will wonder about ALL NIGHT LONG
unless i go find the answer. it kind of ties into my whole ends-of-the-earth-girl thing. which is a nickname jessie gave me because if i decide i want something, or i need to know something (and i need to know everything!!!) or i just feel i have a mission of sorts i will stop at nothing until its mine, i know, or i have done it.
i dont choose to look at this as a problem, i will call it a quirk.
a quirk of mine. like the time i decided 2 years ago i had to contact my 9th grade physcology teacher to let him know he made a difference, or when i wanted to look up a friend from jr high but i couldnt remember his last name so i spent three hours going through yearsbooks (in the office at my old junior high-i dont remember being that small...) or my all time favorite-the book. couldnt remember the title, the author, nothing. knew it was my favorite when i was little. this search took years, literally. i searched card catalouges all over the country, any where i was. never gave up, finally found it. turns out it was french and very rare. i paid almost eighty dollars for it if i remember right. as i write this i feel a faint despair. who will love this crazy girl? my friends love me but they dont have to live with me and be my lover. i mean i think im a pretty great girlfriend to have, but maybe im not. maybe all my loves were too kind to state the facts-"girl, you are crazy!"
wait a minute, oh yeah...they have all told me that. um....
then i would like to think that im a cute, eccentric type of nut.
(but maybe, just maybe im not. and if so, what kind of freak am i going to have to find to stay forever? i shudder to think.)
i think i should take the job in florida. tour has left me spoiled, weak. too much money, not enough work. sounds crazy right? its a recipe for disaster, its not a healthy balance-trust me! i need something to make me hard. solitary confinement and hard labor is probably exactly what i need to straighten me out. its a very small island. and a LOT of hard work.
its nights like tonight when for one nano-second i wonder if i should have left my ex-husband and then i immediately think ICK!!! OF COURSE! i had "stability" but at a very steep price. he was a vice slowly crushing my spirit. i luckily escaped with it all intact. most of the time i forget i was ever married because when i was i felt like i was in my forties! now, i usually feel in the 20-22 range. im only 27.
i feel i should go to florida and really test myself, because im intimidated by it. keep pushing my limits, always.
but all i want right now is sweet, sweet sleep. the ability to quickly fall asleep on a regular basis is a blessing. if you are able to do this there is always something you can be grateful for.