my monster

okay, for real-no fancy wording, no attempts at humour. my monster is that my dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. i know somewhere inside, logically that he loved me. i hope he did. he didnt act like it. he was a bad drunk. i remember asking my mom why he hated me so much. i wonder if he thought i ruined his life in some way, when i told on him. told what he did to me. brought out all the monsters. someone once drew a door on my wall and told me it was for the monsters to come through. he never had any idea why that fucking door affected me so much. i had a door open earlier and destroy all of our lives. i opened it. it was the right thing to do but i never felt that my dad loved me again after that happened. and the thing of it is i loved my dad so much, but i started to hate him for treating me with such animosity. i was relieved when his plan for slow suicide finally paid off. i hated that he told me he missed coke, that someday he would kill himself, that my mother was not enough to live for. i hated that he always smelled like alcohol, and right now im hating myself for being so attracted to it on the man im sleeping with. the man im sleeping with is an alcoholic who will not show me one bit of affection when he is sober. and im digusted with myself for in any way entertaining the idea of making this work. im angry that every relationship i have had has in some way been shaped by my shit with my father. im furious at myself for being so weak, for being so desperate to make the wrong people love me because he didnt. im sad that i have never given myself faith in really taking a shot with a good guy. i have known good guys-long enough to knock them down for anything because i can just feel "they are not right for me." im really trying to find some root here-why i somehow feel if i can hold onto this damaged person and have them love me it will in some was compensate for my own damage. this is my monster, rearing its ugly head. at so many points in my life i have felt over it (my dad) but maybe some things never completely go away. the man im sleeping with told me today he is coming to depend on me. it scared me a little, but if i am to be truly honest it also gave me a small thrill. like, i guess that means if im willing to put up with all his bad behaviors, his neglect, his drunken talk, ect. then HOORAY-i get to keep him? im horrified with myself and my willingness to dive head first into this pathos that i know without doubt could truly, really do some damage to my soul. i guess thats why its called self-destructive behavior. or survival on the installment plan. i wont be happy forever, everything will hinder me, beauty will desert me. my words will be ugly.