oops, my bad

so, when most people hit bottom they look up-i personally look for a shovel. oh yes, i can always go lower. im okay. im acually smiling right now, because all i can do is be okay with myself. i told jess its like we are at the end of some long, fucked up, crazy race. the finish line is in sight. soon, my blog will be nothing but boring tales of school and work, but tonight my friends-the freakshow.....
so, because i dont have the emotional faculties currently to handle any situation in a diplomatic fashion i blow it-in the worst way possible. anyone who has known me for any length of time has gotten to wittness this. my sweet man with the drinking problem is (suprise, suprise) a bartender. i forgot if i have mentioned this. he works in my favorite bar. i tried to tell him that sex without affection afterward really wasnt my cup of tea, but apparently he missed it-so after another round of this i was feeling unright. i was itching for incident. friday i went to two bars first, drank. went into the sweet man's bar and ordered nothing but hard alcohol. im a beer girl, a once in a while shot person-NOT a hard liquor person. long story shorter-i got very, very drunk. i didnt black out, but my memory is spotty. and i guess i made some weird choices. like-making out with a 21 year old in front of sweet man for four hours, while he was working. like-leaving the lights on in my car when i first tried to leave and realized i literally could not drive so that when i came back out hours later my car was dead. like-falling asleep in my car for a bit until around 10am (oh, yes) until
some guys knocked on my window and ended up jumpimg my car. like-going back into the bar and asking for more. (i was denied-not out of bitterness but because sweet man was still looking out for me.) i crashed for almost 36 hours afterward and really could do nothing but laugh at my own assholish behaviour. then, repentance. calling the 21 year old and saying im sorry i was an asshole. i normally dont drink like that and i dont make out with strangers in bars, you were nice to me and im sorry i pulled you into my shit. going back to bar to apologise to manager who was also there. to say-im sorry i disrepected sweet man in front of you and put him in a bad position while he was working. and finally-to sweet man himself (who i found in the other nearest bar on sunday when i went looking)
im sorry. what can i say?
i think i may on some level have sabatouged this so i didnt have to deal with saying i cannot handle you. so that i can be the bad guy and let him walk away from me-as he did. jess says it probably just drove him more crazy and within days he will be back. who knows....ah vegas.
i really do feel a bit icky because i never, ever pull that kind of stuff-making out drunk with strangers is just not my scene. neither is intentionally trying to hurt someone. oh well? i dont know.
i have recently learned that there are some people that come here on a regular basis and read my silliness. i really appreciate it. its nice to know that people read this for whatever reason. it pushes me to write more, to be more honest. its kind of like angels-even if you dont see them you still know they are there.