yes, master...

so, i really hate it when i take so long inbetween posts. i feel like i have to play massive catch-up, so i keep putting it off, more catch-up-its an ugly cycle...
so tonight i commit to writing.
i guess semi-lots has happened...
first-the detox....was a disaster. i was a detox-dropout. the VERY first night (wouldnt you know...) an old friend called in distress. his dog had died, and he was crying. i was actually in bed, almost asleep at 11pm on a saturday night. i felt the hysterical laughter and pointing fingers of the universe-no point fighting. he specifically asked for beer and ciggs. and i had gone all day without smoking, too!
oh the irony. i love animals, and men-how could i say no? i didnt even put up a fight. i cracked a beer, lit a smoke, and settled in to listen to him cry and then suddenly-oh yeah, thats right-he brought out a little tray with white powder on it. i drink yes, but i cant remember the last time i was even around drugs. he offered and i declined-twice. but after two and half hours and a six-pack my resolve crumbled. i did a few of the tiniest lines amaginable-but still my head was flying. then my mission of mercy took a funky turn when my grieving friend decided this certainly could become a mercy-fuck! (the soundtrack to this moment is britney spears "toxic"-no joke. my fuzzy, addled mind recognized my limits (yes, i have them) and i got the hell out of there AND....drove straight to my old ex. cause i was on drugs! and i really wanted to have sex! just not with grieving man!
anyways, the next day i decided i could surely bounce back from the slip-up. but then i was cranky from coming down (truly ridiculous considering the miniscule amount i did) and going through massive regret about my own goddamned addictive fucking nature (THANKS DAD!!!) i continued to smoke and to justify it to the countless inconsiderate people who smugly pointed out that i couldnt be truly detoxing if i was still smoking. still as far as the eating right and drinking went i really did stick it out for a whopping six days at which point i started having a beer a day and found myself in a few very shameful moments eating fast food in my car secretly in the middle of the night. i can still justify this somewhat...my mom was doing really good on the detox deal and i didnt want to screw up her momentum. i know she would have felt discouraged if she knew...(shame and self-loathing reaching explosive levels.) over the next week i gamely hung in somewhat, got through the weekend with a little lapsing, and just kind of dropped the whole business and fell into extreme displeasure last week. all of this was very good and here is why-i hit a bottom of sorts. i felt covered by the toxicity of all of my choices in life. and i realized how much i truly, truly wanted to quit smoking and do something sweet for my poor body. so i did. for real, forever. i am a non-smoker now. i also fell into some quick interest about the master cleanse. i am at the end of day three, and i feel wonderful. there are a lot of different ideas about how long to do it for, however i feel like knowing the different things my body will go through-i can just listen and i will know when its time to come off of it. its reaaally extreme, but somehow i think thats why it will work for me-i can handle extremes. more than a detox, it is a cleansing fast. i think the whole purpose of the "detox" was to show me my weaknesses, and desires for change, and to prepare me for this. i feel utterly strong in my decision to stop smoking no matter how long i do this fast for. if anyone is interested i give credit to allen carr's "the easy way to stop smoking." worked for jessie too. i also need to say i have the best friend ever!!!!-who somehow, no matter what, still thinks im cool and not completely crazy.
other than this 'cleanse-detox-smoking-body' stuff...
i had the coolest zombie dream-my first ever!!!
i was insanely, nightmarishly groped by a drunk bartender!
i got scratched across the eyeball by a playful kitten!
i have a mini-crush on a cool client!
i decided to go to scotland for a few weeks!
and i feel sweet and kind of silly, just to myself. its from not smoking-i feel innocent and light. it feels good...:)