faith

so, awhile back a friend told me this story about a date she was on. she had asked her date, "how do you know when its real?" they were at a resteraunt, and he just took her hand and walked her outside. he put her back to the sun and told her to close her eyes. then he told her to keep her eyes closed and slowly turn around. she told me when she felt the sunlight hit her face and immediately start warming her she understood. thats how you know its real. because you go from feeling cold and in the dark to suddenly standing in the light. i know what that feels like now. somehow, the universe decided to bless me with the most beautiful person i have ever met. and she came in and shined her light on me during one of the darkest periods i have had in a very long time. the reason i stopped writing and just isolated is because for a just a quick moment (but long enough to hurt me) i got sucked into drugs again. crazy! i drink but i havnt done drugs in years really. it pulled me in fast and hard. all of my self destructive tendencies came out in full force. and as jessie (goddamn, that girl is one tough cookie!) told me on the phone one day-its not funny anymore. and it wasnt. i just felt like i was blowing everything-because of loneliness, dissatisfaction with life. i was having this 'fuck it all' feeling of im nothing but my fathers daughter-why fight it? quick dissent into addiction and eventually i will destroy my soul and it wont matter. i ran away for a bit. i went to montana to try and get myself sorted out, and it was so good. but the night i came home i was right back to the drugs. several bad days and nights later i decided i just didnt want to hurt myself anymore. i saw that i had taken it too far. i decided that even though my life hadnt turned out how i wanted it at this point, that it was extremely immature and selfish to just destroy it out of spite. and im sorry for making my friends worry, i just want to say that. but i pulled myself up again. and then i saw her. i have never had a relationship with a woman before, but i had never been opposed to it. and its been smooth, almost effortless. im really, truly in love with her. she has the strengths that i lack, she has a soul that matches mine, she has a beautiful heart. i tell her that she is a blessing. and when i say that its because i feel she is a gift given to me by the universe for making the right choice, for walking away from what was hurting me. i havnt felt this kind of connection with someone in so long, maybe ever. because evrything feels new with her, right with her. everything i have been asking for im now recieving. and she loves me. she knows me and she STILL loves me-miracles...
she tells me im perfect and i want to hide my face in my hands and tell her to run away from me, but then i think to myself-"i think she's perfect too, so just maybe its possible that for whatever reason somehow i AM perfect for her." ive been folded into her life, her home, her friends and its like i have always been here, always belonged with her. there is the side of me that gets scared because its new, because good things seem to slip away-but i dont want to be scared or sit in doubt. im choosing faith for this love because i feel like its the one i have been waiting for all along. i felt so lost over this summer and fall. i had always felt like there is a path for me (however rocky) but the last several months was the first time in my life i truly believed i had taken a wrong turn and lost my way. but now i see i had to go through that darkness so i would feel the sunlight when it hit me. im crying right now as i type this because now that light surrounds me all the time, and i feel so lucky and grateful. the most beautiful name in the world is shannon.