turning point

so, i woke up remembering something today. when i was in my early twenties i always had older friends. i was remembering how their drinking was confusing to me. i barely drank at that point in my life since i was under the tyrannical thumb of the evil ex husband. but i watched my friends. they would talk about their drinking, sometimes very negatively. and all of them had "personal confession" moments where they said they believed they had a problem. then i would watch them get trashed and be completetly happy. i didnt understand how anyone could get addicted to drinking. now at twenty-nine i sit with my friends and we joke about how we are alcoholics. now im part of that cycle of wonder-"i wonder if maybe i do have a problem...." i keep telling myself no, but im waking up with more hangovers and less clarity about where im headed. everything feels so strange right now. its the holidays which already makes me feel nuts. people from my past are popping up all around me. i woke up yesterday with that feeling. i get it every few years-its time to run. so i pack up most of my things, throw away a bunch of stuff. it somehow relieves this pressure. today i just feel absolutely crazy. everything in me wants to run. the difference is i have someone i want to run with. and what im feeling for her is making me take a look at myself. because i want a good life, with her. i want to be healthy because i want to build a life with her. i want experiences that are not wrapped up in overindulgence. i dont want a shallow, superficial life. i dont want to wake up in a year and realize i dont know myself anymore. this life...
life is so long and it can be so scary. and ive always felt that the only thing that makes it worth it is love. and i can see the damage i have done to myself because it is a struggle to stay hopeful...it used to come so naturally. if i am to be totally honest with myself-i drink too much, period. and its not funny. i see these older, broken women in the bars and i know that the only thing that seperates me from them is time. and time is precious. i want to see the world, i want to do everything. and its not going to happen if i stay in the bars. falling in love is making me want more. i think of her, of all my friends-drinking and driving, smoking, hurting ourselves...and time is flying by. i feel this sense of urgency because someday, somehow i will cease to exist. its inevitable, i know. but when i go i want to know i lived the best life possible, that i didnt destroy myself, that i lived in faith and love instead of fear and misery. i will not be broken.