ten things

1. socks. for the last ten years i have worn nothing but black socks. once a year i would buy several pairs of the same style black socks. i told myself that it just made doing laundry easier. recently i looked down and realized im really over my plain black socks. so this past weekend i went and bought a bunch of bright, crazy design socks. its a small thing, but when i looked down today and saw big pink fishes swimming over my ankles it made me happy. its making me look at all of the "black socks" in my life. like, maybe there are other things i would like to change...

2. i have a new job. since i have been doing massage for the last 6-7 years its a little nerve-wracking to be suddenly in a different field. where im insecure and i do not know what im doing. its good for me though. i used to work in veterinary care before i got into massage, and i had forgotten how much i enjoy spending my days with animals. my wrists and lower back keep cooing "thank you" to me so i think this is a good thing.

3. im staying in. i have no desire to do anything!!! and i don't care. and i dont want to make excuses for it. i am fully enjoying staying in with my honey and the cats. im drinking a little less and generally just feeling happier. and for once i dont feel like i may be "missing something."

4. tracy. she is moving in and im so happy because she is amazing. she is everything i look for in a friend. she is funny, honest, weird, real, beautiful heart, easy to talk to, and she gets me. the first time i talked to her for a bit i thought to myself-"i want to know that person my whole life." and thats rare. she is the best friend i have made here and its going to suck-ass when she leaves. we might just have to keep her prisoner... (creepy diabolical laughter)

5. im sick and i never get sick, so thats bullshit. i got this mutant virus that somehow penetrated my crazily strong health from sean, the guy im replacing at my new job. he trained me and left me a parting gift. thanks sean!

6. i will eat a bowl of john's meat any day! john's meat is delicious!!!

7. i have court on monday. and i think i have made peace with the whole thing. i mean i obviously do not want to be found guilty and go through all the crap that follows. BUT-if i am found guilty i would deserve whatever i get. i may not have been guilty that night, but i have been guilty many nights in my life of various things. so if i am found guilty i will accept it with grace and humility. i will say thank you as if i am accepting a lifetime achievement award. (which in a way i could look at it as a reward for a lifetime of less than stellar behavior.) lets face it-im not innocent. i have done many bad things and just never been caught. irregardless-the lesson has been learned. i will never drink and drive again. ever.

8. shan and i either need to lose weight or get a bigger bed, NOW! its getting ridiculous. i tell her we have gained a nicole ritchie between us PLUS three cats. we have become middle-of-the-night combatants. "i am RIGHT on the edge here." "scoot over!!!" there are violent blanket tuggings. we act like two people in a bunker trying to survive the night instead of what we should be-two girls getting much-needed sleepy time. (i must say a great deal of blame needs to be placed right at the paws of three very spoiled felines who usually insist on stretching out sideways across the bed to maximum body length. i have shoved at them with blanketed feet, cursing quietly in the dark. but, they are rocks. i am powerless to move them once they have pinned my legs.)

9. i love entertainment. i will not trash talk my tv. i am not one of the people that will say "oh, i never watch tv." i do not feel i am wasting my time, nor do i feel im just burning up brain cells. i love to read, i love movies, and i love my tv. i can watch it all day and not feel guilty. know what else i like? entertainment magazines. i WANT to know what jen garner is eating, or what color nail polish erykah badu is wearing-shamelessly. i love del taco. its my favorite food. i could eat it every single day and never think-"oh this is bad." in fact i have, for almost a year once-almost every day. i have been known to talk to my plants (well almost any inanimate object that i come in contact with can expect to be addressed by me.) i sing to my cats (and dance with them sometimes.) i dont brush my teeth before i go to bed, so what? i do not lay awake worrying about tooth decay or minty breath. i dont think i have the guilt gene.

10. im feeling happy right now. more peaceful than i have felt in a long time. the dwi really messed with my head and then the situation at my last job... it was just like everything turned to shit in a heartbeat. and its been a long climb back up since then. the great irony was literally the day before my arrest i was telling shan how wonderful life was, how everything was perfect. i learned another lesson-do not proclaim your happiness and good fortune too loudly for you are sure to receive the bitch-slap from the universe shortly thereafter. so i will just say quietly, "i am happy."

wishbone

under my left nostril, above my lip is a tiny scar. and if you look closely, under my left eye there is a spot that always looks a little sooty. as if my mascara has run a tiny bit. the worlds tiniest black tear.

the time:halloween 2005, the place:the doubledown saloon. i adore the doubledown, sincerely. and its a great place on halloween-all the freaks at play. but at that point, at that very moment in my life almost to the second, i had become the proverbial car that had lost its brakes on a curvy road. i had just recently returned from montana where i had fled to from vegas after a particularly nasty drug bender. after close to 48 hrs i was told, "it's not funny anymore." this, as i sat on a crate at 11am in the alley directly behind the doubledown on a friday in broad daylight wearing a black, beaded cocktail dress (from the show i had seen the night before) and a dirty blue mechanics shirt that my friend had given me because i was freezing. i had ran all over town for a day and a night. i made friends with strangers, gave them my drugs, smacked them around. early in the morning it was just jesse, me and the bartender. but jesse, in his fashion soon dissapeared with a girl leaving me only his shirt, his car keys and the last of his blow. hours passed in a stupor. at one point i even tried to take his car and leave. as i sat there waiting to pull into midday traffic right off paradise, i, for once, listened to the the voice that said no. i threw his car in reverse and left it in the middle of the parking lot. finally at some point in the late afternoon i was rescued, given haven for some much needed sleep. only to wake up friday night at 10:30 with seventeen messages on my phone from jesse about me having his keys and his car being parked directly in the middle of the doubledown parking lot. not so great on a friday night. after cleaning up my mess and finally getting home i slept for about fourteen hours, called my boss, and drove from vegas like i was being chased by the mob. i retreated to the comfort and calm of a friend in montana with no set time of return. i ate healthy meals, i slept, i walked and i got my head back on straight. all of my craziness was taking place during a time i was also doing 4-8 hours of massage a day so to say i was sucked dry would have been a grave understatement. "running on empty" doesnt even come close. so montana was a blessing-i didn't want to be a total fuckup (just the normal kind.) and i thought my head was straight until i returned, whereupon i immediately got back up to my old tricks. and as my friend had warned me, "it wasnt funny anymore...."

such a silly thing, completely undramatic. two friends, drunk rolling around in the doubledown parking lot playfighting. i walked over to them, leaned over to ask what they were doing. and they rolled into me. not intentionally, just in the way drunk people do without regard to spatial thought. and for reasons i will never understand my hands didnt go out in front of me. my legs went out from under me and my two little traitorous appendages did not stop my face from smashing into the concrete. (as if i hadnt made enough of a jackass of myself a few weeks earlier in that same lot...) i sat up very fast, as if i pretended i was okay then somehow it would be. but then betsy looked at me and made a funny noise. i waved my now reanimated hands, "no, no, im fine..." but my face felt funny. i put my hand to my face and like a stagetrick it came back covered in blood. then i felt for my teeth. i still thank every possible god or spirit in the universe for sparing me my teeth since i had no dental plan and it would probably have been very hard to do my job in the fancypants place i worked with broken teeth. however, the entire left side of my face was fucked. i had literally split the skin under my eye from corner to corner and the skin under my nose was shredded. i was quickly covered in blood but since it was halloween, funnily enough, no one even noticed. my makeup ran into the open split under my eye where a teeny bit remains to this day. if there are words to describe the feeling in this moment for me, i have yet to find them. but just to throw something out there let's say "abject horror."

my sweet, sweet friend betsy stayed with me for almost 24 hours. she took me home and nursed me the best she could. she held my hand and let me cry it out the next morning as i woke to my new face. she took me to eat and made jokes to break the tension since i was being looked at like a domestic case. it was awful. and i was pretty certain i had broken bones around my eye but it was so swollen it was impossible to tell. i had to take several more weeks off work to allow all the swelling and bruising to go down enough to be presentable. (im actually still fucking amazed i didn't lose that job.) in the end, there were no broken bones. just me looking pretty damn freaky there for a bit since one side of my face was untouched and the other side looked like train wreck. and that's literally when shan came into my life. we recognized each other. she saw past it all. past my fucked-upness, saw my heart. we were both kind of falling at that moment in time, and somehow we caught each other. that's why i feel so lucky.

somehow, the mangled mess under my nose healed into a perfect, tiny scar the shape of a wishbone. which is still a beautiful irony to me, because if i ever had one wish it was to find real love that lasts. if you see me touching it, as i often do, you will know that im remembering the moment in time something horrible turned into a gift.