note-this is my first essay for colledge. it may be boring, im only putting it up because a few people asked to read it. im not allowing comments on this post because i feel kind of shy about it. the only important message here is freedom.
Pirgaki
How do I begin to write about one of the most significant events in my life? When I look back on that time it’s as if I’m watching an old movie of someone else’s life. Yet, the memory is so clear, so defined that I know it belongs to me. I had to go halfway around the world and get lost in a foreign land to find myself, to accept a truth that had been begging for recognition.
My husband and I were driving through a cornfield on the island of Naxos in Greece. We were lost. Earlier in the day we had set out to find a remote beach, Pirgaki, which we had heard about from a native. Our previous two weeks in Greece had taught us that street signs and landmarks are for the most part nonexistent on the islands, so I wasn’t really surprised to find ourselves in this situation. I was just tired. Our “vacation” was in fact a thinly disguised attempt for Matt to hold me. He had tried to instill in me a great sense of fear about the world to bind me to him but it was wearing thin. He felt me pulling away as what started as the faintest whisper within myself had become a nearly incessant scream. We had been arguing earlier, but now we were both silent. The only sound was that of the corn stalks hitting the sides of the car as we pulled through.
Finally, a dirt road appeared and within five minutes we were on the beach. It was within a half hour of sunset and the beach was deserted. We were the only ones there.
In Greece, dogs run wild everywhere and seem to belong to no one. There were a few running around on the beach and Matt didn’t want to leave the car. He lacked faith; I had already learned that all the dogs were either friendly or indifferent and they wouldn’t harm me. I was suffocating in the car and rather than argue more, I got out of the car and ran away. If I had stayed he would have said that we had to leave. If I would’ve left, I could’ve missed everything.
I ran about twenty feet, then stopped and took my shoes off. The dogs had come to greet me. I petted them absently for a few minutes, and then continued to walk on along the beach. The sand was still warm from a day of sunshine; it was golden powder under my bare feet. The Aegean Sea has the clearest, most beautiful blue water I have seen anywhere. Earlier that day I had been swimming on another beach; as I walked out until the water hit my lips I could still see my toes wiggling in the clear water below me. Suddenly, my body found the spot it was looking for. I sank down into the sand. I looked out over the quiet ocean and unto the most beautiful sunset imaginable. The blue of the sky met the ocean in an almost indistinguishable match of vibrant color. As the pink, purple, and golden streaks began to move across the sky and deepen in shade, they were a mirror reflection across the surface of the water. It was a living painting in front of me.
It was such a peaceful moment. A silent prayer instantly formed in my mind that Matt’s fear of dogs would keep him in the car and away from me. I pictured a scene from the movie “Cujo,” Matt trapped in the car terrified, and I started giggling. My giggles turned into tears as I realized the sadness of the situation. “I’m on a romantic, three week getaway and my only wish is that he will leave me alone.” Then, the thought I had been pushing away since the day we arrived forced through to my consciousness.
“I wish I was here with someone I really love.”
It literally felt as if the entire world stopped at that moment. I couldn’t even breathe. My tears had stopped. I closed my eyes for a moment and forced myself to breathe. With my eyes still closed, I began to listen. In front of me I could hear the waves in their gentle, irregular pattern washing up on the sand and then slipping away. To my right I could hear the wind rustling the branches of the trees. Behind me and to the left I heard bells and a soft scuttling noise. “Goats,” my mind said. It sounded like someone else’s voice inside my head so I listened deeper. I could hear the birds starting their soft night songs, and so very faintly a woman singing in Greek.
My entire body relaxed. I knew instinctively this was an important moment. I knew that I would remember it for as long as I lived. Life could not have been any sweeter or more perfect in that space of time. It was a place of absolute clarity, so I listened, and set in motion that which would change my life forever.
“Everyone has a soul that is unique, individual, and precious. No matter what the consequences, don’t lose your soul to another.”
It was so simple, so completely to the point. It left no room for debate or reasoning. I knew in that moment it was time to leave Matt. Our souls were not matched for each other. I didn’t feel sad at all. I felt an incredible sense of hope and faith. I realized that not only did I not need him, I didn’t need anyone. It had happened so quickly, but it felt like I had been sitting there for hours.
Matt had come down the beach finally to join me for the last strains of the sunset. I looked over at him silently and thought back over our three years together. I remembered how excited we were when we met each other. We had only known each other a handful of months when he proposed. We were happy, for a little while. Then we realized we didn’t really even know each other. Like every marriage there were the ups and downs, but I think at some point we both must have realized that we were on some level fundamentally wrong together. We strongly believed in the concept of marriage though, so we tried to make it work. But it became like a six-year old trying to jam two pieces of a puzzle together that do not belong. Eventually, it was just broken. We could barely speak anymore. I was tired of hearing the bitterness in his voice over life. He was someone who simply didn’t want to be happy, and I did.
Looking at him now though, I no longer felt the gnawing frustration and resentment that had been my almost constant companion for the last year. His face was resigned, sad. I could feel his sense of failure. He already knew I was gone; I was lost to him. It had only been a matter of my mind catching up to what my soul already knew. It was done and I had experienced the greatest sense of freedom and peace I had ever known. The sun finally dropped below the horizon on the water. Everything took on the shades of twilight, and the wind started to pick up. I don’t have the words to explain how within one instant everything can be so vibrantly alive, yet surreal and softly out of focus at the same time. I took Matt’s hand and we walked back to the car.
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