calm as a little seahorse floating along. this one is only about 2 inches!!! lil'cutie... 

the book of bunny suicides

so, i have been crazy busy-(not lazy)-and sleeping ridiculously well. :) last week i had no less than three tests, in a row, all medically based-but of course on different topics. and 100 pages to read, 20 pages to write. work. psb-health occupations aptitude test. my 2nd paper for english. more work. and every night, collapsing into the utter blissful sanctity that is my new bed. its beyond-i, i, i just cant even talk about it. so, now-its finally spring break which really only means work, no school-enstaed of both. but still its nice to clear my head. tomorow i recieve my first massage in over a year. i love doing massage so much-its so crazily fullfilling. and this time i waited to long-i feel the need for the return of energy to me through massage. i expend so much when i work, and it is a flow-i recieve plenty back-,but now it is time to purely recieve and bathe in it. there is nothing on the planet like a good, loving massage. im almost struck dumb, im so excited. i also booked a ticket to new york city for the week after school gets out. i have never been, but i have so many people there i know-and a few wonderful close friends i cannot wait to see. its my "getting through this semester without going crazy" gift to myself. i wish i had anything deep to write about, but i feel like the busy schedule has pushed a lot out of my head. i feel content. i feel free. i feel productive and like im doing good work-doing what i should be doing-healing through massage, enstead of burning up all my energy on alcohol. but balance always-still having a few nights here and there. really, its almost spooky. im trying not to wait for the crash because aside from feeling busy, everything is incredibly smooth and peaceful right now. its hard not to get that calm-before-the-storm feeling because i dont understand smooth and peaceful. maybe its the new bed....

priorities

i was going to blog in this small pocket of spare time i have come across (at 1:07am)
however, i want a beer more. sorry

bye-bye bed (a blog chock-full of sex stuff!!!)

so much to write about. and good lord am i TIRED!!! but i will be a good little blogger. so first off-bye-bye bed...
i realized the other day as i waited for my ridiculously comfortable new bed to be delivered the history of my pathetic, brokedown futon. oh, its a tale. and a lesson. its one pregnancy scare, and an std acualized. and its more than a few men. and im going to bare all...
so, i got my bed right after i seperated from my ex-husband. that was summer of 2001. i just wanted something temporary, so i got a cheap-ass futon. i also didnt bother changing my last name because i assumed after you had been married once, the seal is broken and its really easy to do again-well, ive still got his damn last name and i just got around to getting a real bed so things dont always go as planned.
in any case i offer up an honest and complete list of the men who have shared the bed with me. just for fun...
my ex-husband-hey, just because you seperated it doesnt mean you stop sleeping togther right? never drunk.
the marine from california-my first attempt at something after marriage, my last attempt at something with angry military men with drinking problems. scary drunk.
my dear friend who after meeting me and picking me up at a bar we both found out that his dad had been a renter in my grandmas house when he was young. the coincedence was just too crazy-thank goodness it didnt go on to the point of ruining a chance for friendship! happy drunk.
the recently divorced cowboy-cop. two months is not long enough. drama, drama, drama! plain out drunkety-drunk.
THE ex-my sweet. heartbreaker from texas-cant help but love him. great drunk-bad boyfriend...
another ex-my crazy chemistry man. my schizo relationship with this one started almost 10 years ago. drive each other crazy-in the best and worst ways. 50/50 split drunk-happy/mean/happy/mean....well maybe 80/20 to be fair :)
and last (for now) "sweet man" who recently at jess's insistance has lost his title.
the worst drunk i have ever dealt with. not so sweet.
so i realized a few things-making this list it seemed like there were surely more i was forgetting and then i realized i didnt bring a couple home therefor they did not technically share my bed and thus were disqualified from appearing in this blog.
2. my next door neighbor is currently VERY, SCARILY drunk. he keeps screaming, revving his car, taking off and coming back complete with squealing tires. im scared he will hit my car, or my bedroom. eeeck-which makes me look at the fact that not one single man i have dated since my divorce has not been a drunk of some sort. this is not a derogatory swipe at anyone-im a bit of a drunk myself. its just enteresting. i mean even the crazy english guy out on tour-physco drunk! whoa...
then i thought-man, im a little trampy-but then i thought about how many people i slept with before i got married and thought-in comparison to before not really, not so much. hahahahahahahahah-(mad cackling...)
plus im a recycler. i like sleeping with exes. here is funny one-a tale of two exes. (and possibly the dirtiest thing i have done-as an adult.) the british guy gave me an std (along with 3 wicked hangovers, and a dislike of punk brittish accents) but i didnt realize the little gift i had brought back to the states until i got the call from the health dept. monday morning several months ago informing me. the day after i slept with an ex who had a girlfriend at the time. four days after sleeping with another ex who yes, thats right-also had a girlfriend at the time. the incredible irony is both of these people cheated on me in our time together-and when they took a shot at recycling i UNKNOWINGLY I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING sent them home to their ladies with a parting gift so to speak-ah, std's-the gift that keeps on giving. i did feel very bad about it-in hindsight though its very funny. they have both split from those girls, and i have slept with them both since so i guess there are no hard feelings. ;) but, its the dawning a of a new day, in my new bed. no more recycling, no more unprotected anything-sex, heart, love-anything. i have been dreaming of true love, of something new and special. if you remember about a month ago i mentioned "someone very special." well, 2 nights ago i had a dream that his band was doing a show in some casino and we ran into each other and it was like instant true love. such a great dream, made me so happy-except that it wasnt real. i havnt seen him since that night and suddenly i have this amazing dream with him in it. well, turns out his band played house of blues two nights ago!!! crazy, eh?!?! and i swear, i knew nothing about the show or i would have been there! i want to see him again! and now i have this weird, physcic-ish dream about him...i dont know. my little inner hopeful romantic is jumping up and down...we will see.
and i guess for now thats all. (there is really a lot more, there always is-but im too tired. i quit.)

"revenge of sweet man" and other stuff...

so, eeeeeck! this week has flown by-its been so damn busy and crazy i havnt had time for anything! there have been so many times i wanted to write and just didnt have the time. so catch-up....much better than last week. im now carrying a real "what-the-fuck-ever" attitude thats keeping me lighthearted. im relieved its over, im just pissed it went for as long as it did which is partially my fault. i accept that. everybody gets what they deserve in the end. as for him i can only think, "i truly hope she gives you everything you gave to me."
then, a friend was in a pretty bad motorcycle accident while drunk. he is actually probably in surgery as i type this. they had to wait a few days for the swelling to go down before they could operate. he shattered his jaw, and most of the left side of his face. its scary. it really has bothered me. so what did i do?
3 guesses....
yes, i got drunk. its been awhile! i have been so good because of school and work so i got really loaded off a few (well 7 or 8) drinks. and then proceded to have THE night of insanity. which leads me to revenge of the sweet man. after a casual sex hookup attempt with an ex gone awry ;) i still wanted to party, so i called sweet man because i had actually run into him with his new girl (the stripper with a heart of gold) lets call her tweety. i have no hangup with him-and no problem with her so i met them for a drink. i said i was going home and offerred to take them to the next place they were going to which was on my way home. no problem. i try to drop them off and they insist i stay for one drink. this is where it gets CRAZY! (and it is no fun dealing with crazy alcoholics, if you have never had the pleasure i highly recommend avoiding it-literally, run away!!!!!) so i go to the bathroom and there is this weird keychain hanging on my keyring. i think-oh they played some dumb joke on me, obnoxious-whatever. so i take it off, come out, and set it in front of tweety and tell her-thanks, i dont need it. she turns and starts chirping something about she thought i might need it. i laugh it off, "no, no...."
i go outside to call jess for a moment. sweet man comes out and he is not happy.
"whats your problem? why you gotta dis my girl? tweety tried to give you a gift and you throw it back in her face like garbage?" on and on and on. after i pick up my jaw i calmly tell him-i thought it was joke. "i dont believe you, and i dont know what kind of shit you're trying to pull...." im in shock-utterly. im mumbling-its a keychain and then i see tweety slam out of the bar and head our way. and she looks like a mad rooster (as a opposed to a sweet but annoying small yellow bird) oh shit-thinks my little inner person-this isnt going to be fun.
tweety's sweet little bird voice is shrieking at me ina very ugly way. and she is crying-no joke. "i am 39 years old and i know your game you think you are so smart you wanna fuck him i gave you a gift and you throw it in my face........" this went on for a long time and i had to remind myself-she is a drunk, she's just playing out her drama. then she bumped me leaning towards sweety (i do think that was an accident) and i immediately said-dont you touch me. she backed over quick but didnt cease her tirade. i tried to just say im sorry, ect. joke, ect. but, they wouldnt stop-and for fucks sake-ITS A KEYCHAIN!!!! get real. so finally i said-im not dealing with this bullshit-all i wanted to do was drop you off and tried to walk away. i seriously think this 39 yr old stripper wanted to fight (or maybe just smack me:) so, i stared her down. said-"i dont want him TRUST ME, i didnt mean to offend, thats it. im not doing this anymore." not counting the time in fifth grade i smacked a girl, i have never been in a fight. here is why-1. i dont want to hurt anyone. 2. i dont like violence. 3.I dont want to be hurt. 4. i must look intimidating when im pissed because no one has ever stepped up and actually hit me. i would fight like hell if i had to, but i will never throw the first hit, ever. she made a lame joke about spanking me, and sweety made a REALLY obnoxious comment about us spanking each other for his pleasure and that was it. i left. drove home half laughing. they are perfectly suited for each other. they are both fucking nuts. i almost wish i had thrown the godamned thing in her face since the accusation was thrown in my face so many times. i fail to mention this is a very abreviated version. we were probably out there for at least a half hour. its just almost unreal that people can be that whacked. i mean she was crying-im sure that was for sweet mans benefit but still.....
and all i wanted was a good night-oh well.
many good nights are coming. i just bought a new bed-!!! im going to live in that thing. i almost hope i get really sick so i can just live in it for awhile. just kidding!!!!!! (shouldnt wish things like that-it will end up being my deathbed...) anyway, so i only have two more nights of misery on the futon-from-hell
and then i will never want to go out anymore. someone will call, and i will be saying-yeah, im really busy....when im really just in bed. it beats spending the evening with sweety and tweety!