thanks for the distraction

dear whats-your-name,
i just want to say thank you. for god knows what reason you have a physical form that suits me even if nothing else about you is quite right. when you tuck me in the perfectly fitting crook of your arm, and wrap your arms around me just so-im allowed to forget for minute that i dont have a home, a husband, a sweet beautiful child or two. you give me a respite from the feeling that i have somehow failed myself. you help me to focus on you (instead of myself) since you have so many issues that are obviously so much more desperate and sad than my own. you have given me a deeper insight and understanding into my mother and the desicions she made in her life since you brought me to the understanding you are so much like my dad at your age-a precious man with a huge heart and anger at the world to match. i dont want to like you, i dont want to possibly end up (loving) you. but please, keep doing what you are doing and i surely will. see, im not right so i will happily follow you into the depths of your hell and then i will pay for the cab back for both of us.
so, thank you for the distraction. i dont really feel my stomach growling anymore because all i want to do is shrink until i dissapear into you. you are big enough and if i get small enough i think i might be able to.

febreze my life

so, this morning as i was using one of my favorite things, febreze, i realized how much i wish they made a febreze that i could simply spray all over my life. for those not in the know-febreze is this lovely product that you spray on stinky things to make them nicer. like me-at ten am (still drunk) tring desperately to get the scent of alcohol/ciggs/bar funk/b.d.l. off me before going to work. why not shower you ask? because when you make bad desicions at night it comes down to getting twenty more minutes of sleep-to get you twenty minutes further from the night before. which brings me to today. i know there is a universal force out there-and it has a wicked sense of humour. i know this because although i will go have a beer (or 5) the night before work i will NEVER get trashed because i simply respect the people who are coming to me and i would not want to dissapoint them. but, im a definitivly imperfect human. i fell from grace last night. i kicked myself violently as i poured half a bottle of febreze on myself. and i prayed for a moderately slow day. well, when i got to work i quickly discovered how much bad karma i have. they decided that a new 80 minute body treatment needed to be tested out-on a manager-by ME!!! no joke-i actually did start praying at that point.
"please universe, please let me not smell too much like a brewery. please let the makers of febreze realize their lovely product MUST be tested on alcohol-soaked, ciggerette-infused idiot girls. please somehow infuse me with a grace that i dont deserve right now to be able to do this for my manager and do it well." then it just kind of dissolved into a mindless mumble of "pleasepleaseplease....."
i did it. luckily, he's a really nice guy. all of my managers are actually wonderful.
i dont think anyone at work realizes quite what a crazy life i live outside of work. most of the people there are beautiful, fantastic people-but-they are mostly married,a lot of them are religious. i just dont think i would be understood if they knew. im just at a different place in life then them. except deb, maybe.
this weekend i got to hang out with my coworker, deb. deb is like a valkyrie. i can see her as this incredible warrior women. i gave her access to this writing, so now i can no longer consider her a coworker. she is simply my friend. hi deb :)
the funny thing is tonight is my friday and im so exhausted i can barely move. and still my wanderlust propels me on. my cranky inner six-year old is whining, "please just STOP you dummy!" blech....febeze my life quick-its getting stinky....

open head, remove brain

in an attempt to make good on my word i am actually forgoing sleep!!! just to write a quickie this morning. so, sunday i was invited to go to olympic gardens (stripclub) for some event with the boys (b.d.l. and his b.f.f.) im SOOOO grateful that some part of me saw the folly in that idea and did not go. which must have worked to drive him crazy wondering what i was up to because he knows im off at eight, and he called at 8:05 last night. its funny because just last thurs. he had this total "whore" sex with me. sex thats great, but you definately do not feel cherished in any way. "suck my dick, get on top of me" sex. the morning after that i didnt even kiss him goodbye. just got my clothes on and said-later. well, i thinking maybe he didnt like that because ever since he has been really sweet and affectionate again. dont get me wrong-im all for a completely dirty romp, but if the guy has any feelings for a girl it has to be tempered with some sort of humour and affection. he invited me over last night which is cool because ive never really just hung out with him during the week. and he was so affectionate, and we had a really good time together. and he held me all night. and he does this really cute thing where he will wake up about fifty times a night and ask me if im okay. "no, i actually died about ten minutes ago and you missed it...." :)
this thing is niggling the back of my brain. this is not my guy. but theres just something. he's a towhead-so blond its white almost. his face is as red as a beet-he's irish. his two front teeth are really big and long-buggs bunny? he's covered in hair, he's got a beer belly. and i am so attracted to him. i have to be so careful with this. but it seems im on the right path. i dont call him and he comes around. he is definately one of those people the less i ask for the more i will get. i just hope he doesnt go all back and forth on me again. i told him he needed to knock that off two weeks ago, cause im not trying to be serious. (or maybe im trying not be serious-catch the difference?) aaaackaaaaaga-he's a baby punk! what am i doing????
maybe its really all about animal pheremones. i like his smell. and he's always taking a deep breath in my neck. he said he doesnt want anything serious either. but i see something in his eyes. as jess would say-god lord!

oops, i did it again...

okay, okay-ive said this before, but i mean it this time (i swear!) im going to be more consistant with this writing thing-apparently it brings laughter and happiness to others and you all know i just live to serve ;)
i feel like i have a really boring life compared to most people, but then i go three or four weeks without writing-its like "where to begin to catch-up." and even though its mostly "drink, sleep, repeat..." there can surely be humour found in every day. take last wednesday-im walking through the the belly of the casino where i work and a fancy-pants waiter for one of our upscale resteraunts walked past me in full tux with his nose in the air carrying above his head what should have been a silver tray piled with exotic fruits (from the way he was acting) but instead was a carboard box full of mini frito-lay chip bags. maybe its just me, maybe no one else could have seen the incredible humour there-but i was almost falling over laughing. funniness abounds if you let it. last night sitting around a table full of friends from over the years and having jessie sing to me, "once, twice, three times a loser..."
me and her were walking through a casino the other day and i saw these two little old ladies walking holding arms the way they do. one looked kind of nervous, and the other one had that "come on bertha, it will be fine" kind of attitude and i bumped jess to show her, "that will be us some day."

NOTE-i just have to say at this point that the writing gods punished me tonight. i wrote for about three hours and never noticed i had lost my connection so when i tried to publish this damn thing i lost everything from here down. see, i had figured out the meaning of life-no, really-and wrote it all down. mysteries of the universe solved, and i was going to share it with everyone. now all you get are more of these silly stories from my life. oh well, lesson learned.

the past couple of weeks have been great, awful, crazy, dangerous, boring. i have been alternately thanking the universe for my good fortune and screaming curses at it. ive done (GASP!) drugs and been to an old-fashioned ice cream social. i finally took an ex's advice to try online dating but after having my profile viewed on match (no joke) 400 times and the creepy messages from a guy ive never met calling me angel i felt a wee bit too exposed and pulled myself off. (there was seventy dollars well spent!) i told this same ex recently that i just really like the way a big guy feels, i like the way you can feel his arms wrap around you. he told me if i lost some weight more guys could get their arms around me-OUCH!!!! i guess i really tweaked his "small guy" nerve center.
i was told by a friend that no guy who makes me cry is worth it. i told her not to worry, no guy makes me cry. i just make myself cry. she was referring to my b.d.l. (big, dumb lug.) i met him i guess about a month and a half ago. he's a bouncer at (drumroll please................)
a bar! of course. (you just dont meet guys that put off that ever so attractive aroma of trouble at church.) when i first talked to him i walked into the bar and told jess he was a big, dumb lug and she came up with an appropriate jingle fast-"its luuug, its luuug, its big-its dumb-its lug!" i was thinking this guy is young, he's a punk, he's a drunk, he's Trouble. now that i think about it, i cant believe it wasnt love at first sight! but somehow this guy with nothing going for him got me hooked. actually he does have something going for him-for some inexpicable reason i just feel happy around him, he makes me smile. like i said not all 22year olds are dumb punks. when we first started talking i totally felt like the cool older girl being chased by this guy but of course human emotions are messy, and everything always changes after you've slept with someone. i think we both got a little attatched and then things shifted. i told him i did not want, and would not have anything serious with him and he agreed that is what he wanted. so now we have gone through this back and forth thing and kind of come out in a new place. i think we both believe we have the upper hand right now. i think we are both wrong, so i'll just have to see how it goes. i dont even know what it is about him thats driving me crazy. b.d.l. my a.s.s.-he probably knows exactly what he's doing. where's my dunce cap? :) he does make me smile though. what is it about bad guys? i just need to keep in mind the most important lesson i have ever learned from my cat, karma. there is nothing uglier than jealousy. whenever i try to give lovin' to my other kitties, karma gets seriously pissed and he will attack them (and sometimes me!) and in that moment i dont see the furry love of my life-i see physco-kitty. not so pretty. and i havnt behaved jeaously around the b.d.l., but i did make the classic mistake of being too "there." so the future with him is a mystery, but i think i have my head back on.
my beautiful friend maria was visiting from england (a shout out to the brittish lassies across the pond who apparently think im just as crazy as the peeps over here!) you know you have a true friend when you can go seven months without talking and when you do see the person its like no time has passed. one year and four months to go girl, hang in there!
my oldest friend, dm, is here opening the new show at the wynn and its so nice. things are just better for everyone in general when she is around. she just creates that wherever she is at. i was really blue last wed. and she suprised me-showed up on my door and scooped me away. i ended up staying at her hotel with her which brought up all kinds of happy memories about being on tour. it was great. before that though we had decided to stop by my beloved neighborhood bar for a drink. when we got there it was completely empty, except for THE showponies! what is with this guy?!?!? how is possible i can keep running into him! aaaack! if i wanted to find someone i could probably search the city from top to bottom for months and have no luck. at least there was an oppurtunity for redemption after the misfortune of seeing him at the gym. the funny thing is the blue ribbon winner from the night a few weeks back took off pretty fast and he pranced right over and back into my affections. yes, i really do have sucker written all over me ;) i cant help it! i wouldnt want anything from him now, but he is fun-he's entertaining. i played sweet and clueless with him and of course got an invitation to another show. he loves to talk all about his bad boy days-all the bands he played with and the drugs and wild times but how having children reformed him. i told him about my b.d.l. and my penchant for bad boys in general. like last sunday when my b.d.l. called me drunk at 4 in the afternoon after the lovely bartendress stole his keys from him. of course i went and got him...the pony laughed at me and asked where "in the hell" i was when we has 27. without missing a beat i replied "high school." apparently not only do guys not appreciate being made to feel small, they dont care for being reminded they are older. fuck it! i have to get my jabs in where i can because i have spent intirely too much of my life babying guys and being the "nicest girl ever." i was moaning to jess if i have to hear that godamned phrase one more time im going to rip my hair out. she showed up within a few hours with a book for me that i will only refer to as my new, personal bible. all i can say is that if i can ever get some guy to call me a bitch i will simply smile and say thank you.

showponies

so, im here to say-"fuck the showponies!" there is a guy in town who i thought i had a crush on. a guy i thought i had some chemistry with. a guy who seemed interested.
but no. he is a musician (warning #1) who is in several different ventures in town. i met him when he got a massage-in fact, three in under two weeks. and he asked me to come check out one of his shows. so i did. and he was so nice, asked me for a drink afterward, etc. then, poof...nothing. for three weeks. so about the time i had let it go (and met someone else-more on that later) he calls and asks me to a different show of his. i wasnt busy, so sure-i went. and he was so nice, bought me a drink, dedicated a song to me as his massage therapist (which gave me quite a few stares and the obligitory comment about happy endings-people, i have heard it before-not original and not so funny.) then, a girl from his work shows up and i have seen her around so i start talking to her. well, when his set finishes he comes over and starts talking, drinking, and flirting with both of us. im still not bothered because im thinking-"she's a co-worker, he's got chemistry with me..." the night goes on and on...maybe i should have left earlier...in any case-i start to realize this girl is a showpony. she is so much like so many people i was on tour with.
"look at me, look at me-see me prance, wanna hear a song?" generally, these are very fun people and i love em, i swear. but through the fog of alcohol i started to realize this pony was planning on getting the blue ribbon that night. i am not a competitor. i will not talk over someone else to be heard. and i will not sing and dance to get laid-no matter how attractive the guy is. the sad thing is in my hopeful naivete i thought surely this attractive, talented man isnt going to fall for this-any minute she's going home-and maybe i'll go home with him. i am not an idiot-but i swear i thought he was just indulging his co-worker and waiting to be alone with me. till i came back from the bathroom. that fucked up feeling of when your heart literally hits the floor when you see the guy you thought you liked sucking face with the showpony and you realize he's not indulging her, he's indulging you and they are probably sweating bullets just waiting for you to leave so they can get the hell out of there and go have all kinds of animalistic sex. i think i actually felt my heartbeat in my ears. needless to say, i made feeble excuses and left-but not before he invited me to another show of his a few days later. dont ask me why i said yes-shock perhaps-yes, yes-anything to get out of here this instant. dont ask me why i went-but i did. maybe out of morbid curiousity-my inate desire to punish and ridicule myself. he talked to me between sets for one minute and said, "if you care about me-PLEASE have a beer waiting for me when i finish." sure, i got him a beer. which he came and got and walked away with for twenty minutes after the show. when he finally came back i told him i had to go. can you guess what happened....?
he invited me to yet ANOTHER show! thats when i realized-he's a fucking showpony too!!! meanwhile, ive really been getting more into another guy im seeing-so im thinking-"screw this jackass, really!!!"
i fully planned on probably never seeing him again (unless he comes in for massage of course which is out of my hands.)
but then last night...
jessie and i decided we will stop going to the bars during the week and go to the gym instead. last night was our first night going. i got there early and felt incredibly intimidated for whatever reason so i walked out front to wait for her. can anyone guess who i ran into? in my oversized, unfashionable workout clothes, greasy ponytail hair and no makeup? does anyone feel my pain?
yep-it was him. he pranced right up to me. there are 2.5 million people in las vegas. the odds of runnning into someone you dont want to see are extremely slim. the odds of running into them when you are having an insecurity-driven mini-panic attack and looking truly at your most hellish are apparently excellent in my case. i never have had much luck in this city...