NYC

so, tonight i am going to new york to see my friend dm, and trevor from the tour. since i have been off the road and gotten used to not flying once a week, im having my usual pre-flight "i will surely die tonight" rumminations about my life. im nervous, i cant pack, im trying to figure out how to not go. and how stupid is that?
i do this all the time. it was awful on tour. i was positive i was going to die. i dont like being in planes-its not natural. my last several flights i have been piss-drunk just to deal with it. so, instead of having this dramatic running dialouge in my head (that is seriously preventing me from packing) i will blog it.

"if i die tonight...."
"i would want my friends to know how absolutely vital and wonderful they are, and im including my mom here-she is a most special friend to me. (if i die, jess, you have permission to bring her here.) i hope my last thought would be of summer, the sun, my Karma, and love. i hope that my mom would be okay. my friends would be charged with looking after her. i would want mich to get my jewelry and distribute it. i was going to talk about cremation, but if we are going with the "death by fiery plane crash" scenario that probably isnt nessecary. i wish i had perfect spelling, and a baby. all in all, its been a pretty great life-if i had any pain at the thought of it ending, it would only be that i havnt found HIM yet and had a baby. i would probably be a "hoverer" so if i die look for little signs that im still with you. i really want to see what happens with lost and alias, so i would have to stick around for awhile. oh god, im just not ready. i dont want to die-im young and still semi-hopeful. see, this is where it gets out of control. i look just like any other person walking through the airport, but if you could hear whats going on in my head...a docter would probably be called to sedate me. in reality-a plane is taxying for takeoff, in my head-WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! STOP THE PLANE!!!! PLEASE....HELP ME...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH. sniff...whimper
in reality-a pocket of wind, a bit of turbulence, in my head-I WARNED YOU ALL!!! THIS IS IT!! DEATH BE NOT PROUD!!!!
in reality-we are approaching the landing strip, in my head-BRACE YOURSELVES, HERE IT IS, EXPLOSION IN 3,2,1....
okay, just because we are on the ground doesnt mean we are okay. WE ARE SURELY ABOUT TO BE HIT BY ANOTHER INCOMING PLANE!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHH!
usually by point im am close to passing out from holding breath. this is ridiculous.
i HAVE to pack, or i will literally miss my flight. okay, alright. so, goodbye everyone. take care, follow your hearts. im proud of...well...most of you. JustKidding!!! if i die tonight, please remember me."

kamikaze:5 bars, 8 hours, 10 beers

so, last night was cacacacrazy! my girl is out of town so i was on my own for the night and i supose in my usual fashion i wanted to see just how far i could take it.
it was the kind of night you could never have with another human in tow because there would be too much discussion, decisions. i love having my partner in crime with me, but it was kind of cool to completely follow my own rhythm. and god-what a night! i started at bar.1 which im amazed didnt put a damper on things. its a new bar that ive really been enjoying, and i liked talking to one of the bartenders last week. well, he didnt seem to even recognize me! and we had talked for awhile just last week!!! not only that, he was animated and cool before but last night he just wasnt talking period. so ironically, sweet man, another bartender, called to ask if i was heading to his place. i told him i had planned on it, and he asked if i could grab him several red bulls (which no doubt means he spent all day drunk and now had to start work with little or no sleep.) i told him sure because he always takes care of my drinks. once i got there and he ordered me a drink (#2) i was curious about the apparent return of his sweetness, but i didnt want ask about tweety. suddenly....
two strong hands grabbed my side and dug into my ribs. a mystery man???? no, but still a great suprise-it was my dear friend lars and her girlfriend. they had just come from some ultimate fighting show and stopped by figuring surely i would be at the bar-how well my friends know me :) so i got to hang out with them and have a few drinks. after they went, some guy went nuts in the bar talking about walking across america for "peace" and screaming for someone to call the police. sweet man asked him to leave, but the guy was still screaming for the police to be called so sweet man obliged. im generally not a fan of cops and bars together (which is funny because of something that would happen later...) so i told him i would be back around later and headed to bar.3. it sucked. i cant really say more than that-i was in and out quick and with four beers i was starting to get a buzz so i headed for gilleys on the strip. i love the country bar-i cannot help it. i saw a few people i know and then ran smack into an old ex. currently single, he walked me to the bar so we could talk for a minute. when we dated he was a nice guy, too newly divorced. now he seems, well, dirtyish. he is a cop (and in a bar) so i asked if he was still at the airport and he said he's now a motorcycle cop. so i asked playfully if hw was ever going to pull me over. he said, "nah, im just going to take you to my house, out in the garage, put you over the cycle and fuck the shit out of you. i'll call you." and walks away, leaving me standing there a bit stunned. im all for all kinds of sexual shenanagins-but wow!!! i was just trying to say hi to an ex. i have never been to fond of the expression "fuck the shit out of you" anyway. it brings a gross image to mind-and he didnt sound sexy saying it-he sounded bitter and a little mean. i think he had that woes-me, women only want me for sex or some such bullshit attitude going on. i downed my beer (#6) and left immediately. and headed to bar.5 where there is (get ready to be suprised....) another hot bartender i enjoy. but aaron is different. he is someone i probably would never want anything with but im so attracted to him as a person. he is punk like mad, but polite and interesting. i want to have a time to hang out with him and pick his brain. he acts kind of daffy at work, but he has some very thoughtful things going on under it. by now, i was getting about drunk which makes the next hour kind of shameful. the 5th bar is very close to home (less than 10 minutes on backstreets) so i didnt feel too bad about driving. but then i got itch i just had to go fucking scratch. back to sweet man's bar just out of curiousity. well, tweety is gone-i was right. however the only thing making him sweet is new love-he is moving in with a girl he met 2 months ago. i didnt laugh-i almost did, but then i remebered when i have moved quickly in my past. then i get caught up in a conversation with a gay girl ive seen around. she asked for my #, and i was drunk so i gave it to her-then beat myself up later. i didnt want to give her the wrong idea. something in me-some littleinner voice expressed the opinion that i had had enough and it was time to go home. and that thought held until i got to charleston and i found myself turning left instead of right. i went back to aaron's. and we talked, and it was cool. (two more beers-sweet jesus-what was i THINKING!!!!)
at some bleary point i looked over and realized it was daytime (gulp!) there is NOTHING i hate more than driving home drunk in daylight. its so....i dont know-just too much-gone too far-something. so i sped home (safely, on backstreets) and passed out. today, i suffered a bit. at least i kept the sense not to do any shots. so, that was my cool night of random craziness in vegas.
now, its 10:17 pm. time to put my boots on.

im not crazy (just special...)

so, i began writing this blog when i realized i desperately needed to add a disclaimer. as i wrote my disclaimer i realized i needed a disclaimer for the disclaimer (still with me?) so here we go

SECONDARY DISCLAIMER: i realize that nothing i can write at this point is going to sound right so i just want to say i recognize im fucked. my disclaimer just sounds wrong and i am aware.

DISCLAIMER FOR THIS BLOG: i dont sexually fantasize at work. i mean it would be really innapropriate considering what i do. but i do daydream sometimes. i cant help it. people are snoozing and i...zone out a bit and DAYdream. okay, well once in a great while my daydream might stray into things of a sexual nature. but i try to catch myself and stop-i swear! because when you are massaging (professionally!) and your thoughts stray, well, it comes through in your touch. not that you start touching the client, well i mean-you are-but not in innapropriate places. but you just are touching with a different kind of thought in your head and you can feel the differences and its just not a good idea. and there is only one time i can think of where i was having dirty thoughts about a client-but im pretty sure it was mutual. oh dear....

so, i got to be reminded today of the funny way life can work sometimes. how there are instances when you "put out a call" so to speak and get some kind of answer, even if its far off from your intention. someone named mike crossed my blog and left a message, so i went to check his blog out. why this is interesting is because my fantasy man of choice lately has been michael vartan from alias. i daydream about him (and being a cool spy in a post-germ warfare world that has wiped out much of the population) when i have a client who dozes off. (its amazing how long one hour can feel on certain days.) it helps pass the time. and michael (vartan) is french-which is only interesting here because "mike" is french (and only a third gay-thats not even bisexual:) im not being kooky here-i just think its funny that for the last few weeks ive been thinking of a french michael, and one pops up. thats all.
now that i have moved on back to the X-files, i will be back to david duchovny (and being a cool agent in a post-the aliens have landed and we all live in danger-world.
i think an active amagination is a healthy thing. boring thoughts make for boring people. and speaking of the french-when i was in paris NO ONE was rude, or smelly, or obnoxious to me. maybe they recognized the 1/4 french part of me (or maybe!!!!-they saw that i was a girl waking up with amnesia in a foreign land, not knowing that the secret to clean, sustainable energy was hidden in a compartment in my suitcase and i had erased my memory until my partner could come find me-hopefully before the russians!!!) um.....okay-nough of that.
not much else to report....
oh, sweet man is being, well, somewhat sweet again. (no worries jessie! this girl has learned her lesson about drunkedy-drunks)
i guess tweety flew the coop. its a shame-i believed that somehow in this hard cynical world, a drunk and a stripper could find love and make it work.

do it like the tai girls...

so, today i had one of the most interesting massages to date. disturbing at the time, funny in retrospect, just...wrong any way you look at it. lets call this fellow...jimbo (works for me)
so i pick up jimbo at the relaxation room for his massage and he's not the usual client. (note-i work at a highly respectable hotel-not some parlor on west sahara, so there can really be no confusion about what kind of massage is being offered.)
so jimbo, a disgusting slob if ive ever seen one,(and when it comes to clients i am honestly not jugdmental-he earned it!!!!)begins our interaction by flinging his beef-slab of an arm over my shoulders and giving me a very hard squeeze and says (verbatim!!!)-"weeeell, hello sweetie! so are you ready to do a massage-cause i fought in vietnam and took eight shots in the ass so you could go to school and become a little massage therapist-those bullet holes...they pain me. i need some serious deep tissue on my ass."
it was around this point that my heart had landed in the bottom of my shoes and i stopped breathing. you deal with a lot as a massage therapist-im not kidding-people drop shit on you thats unREAL!!! but this, i was just not prepared for jimbo.
so, as can be expected i did my best (while shooting evil looks of death at him in the dark) while he moaned, wiggled, touched himself everywhere except for the one place i could have acually ended the massage for. and he was verbal. im good at my job-and its not sex-i just dont need that kind of verbal encouragement (i promise if you just keep your mouth shut i will do my job.)
"oh girl, thats right, oooh thats how i like it" "you got the magic touch, oh those hands" "right there, aaaaaggh, yes, yes, yes" (at this point jimbo is acually almost flailing his head from side to side in ?extasy? ICK!!!!!!!!!!!!)
in the height of jimbo's passion when i truly thought it could not get worse i heard the words that will haunt me-"yes, yes, yes, do it like the tai girls!!!!!!"
at which point his WIFE who was getting massaged on the table next to him (since some poor woman found it in herself to marry him, and then get a couples massage with him!) said, "really jimbo! shut up-you are being inappropriate."
i wanted to die. i really considered giving him a fast chop to the windpipe, fleeing the premises, collecting my savings, and heading to south america to start my new life as a missionary. but, good worker bee that i am, i endured. i did my job. i gave him the deepest deep tissue i can manage, (it would make a lot of people scream.) as for jimbo, all i can hope is that wherever he is tonight-his ass is killing him!

love is strong, even when i am not.
my faith in love will save me.

emotional hangover

so, tonight i am suffering from a terrible hang-over of the emotional variety. i guess i could say its resulting from a variety of things all culminating at once. yesterday, a party. a "fun" event that included dodging emotional landmines set by superficial people that mostly dont know any better. i got to see the only man i ever wanted to marry walk in with a girl named jennifer who isnt me. its the first time i have seen him with someone else, and it was acually a bit anticlimatic after two years of wondering how it would feel. i was quite drunk by then. i smiled at her. its not her fault. maybe it would be easier if she seemed like a snobby model type girl who i could never compete with. enstead, a friendly girl-someone i would probably like and get along with. i would have liked to have talked to her. not for some mean, or self-punishing reason. i felt bad for her. all the girls there out of some drunken, warped sense of loyalty to me (or perhaps just as an excuse to be bitches) kind of bad-mouthed her to me after they said hello and walked past. i asked them to please stop. she has done nothing wrong, she is not prettier or uglier than me, she doesnt seem snotty-just quiet in response to several girls falling silent and/or ignoring her. i smiled. i wanted to ask her what she does, something to let her know i have no problem with her. (altough knowing him, she probably has no clue who i am anyway.) i was afraid to talk to her, although my motives were innocent i didnt want to look like i was digging for information. maybe there is something in her that will make him happy, make him desire honesty and committment. i handled it just fine. it didnt hurt like i had amagined-just a strange feeling of "once upon a time...." but, i did drink too much. drove home blurry-eyed, probably dangerous. i went to my sweet friends house to vent and calm down. continued drinking. my sweet, smart friend took my keys. no one has ever done that for me before. i got angry. we wrestled, me half serious-half joking. i felt so rough and almost out of control. she did nothing to hurt me, just kept me from hurting her and let me get all of the aggression out of my system. then she held my head in her lap and let me cry like a three-year old when i broke. when i got home i was only able to sleep for a few hours, and then my drunk woke me up again. i cried more, like i havnt cried in as long as i can remember. when im exhausted i lose every bit of rational, like im on a drug. i become a broken, emotion-monster unreachable. its not a pretty side of me-but it is part of me, a holdover from another lifetime of many bad drug comedowns. i, now as an adult, recognise when a really bad episode of this is coming on. i took some sleeping pills and wandered from room to room trying to keep my mind busy till i passed from conciousness. today, a daze of it all. its not about him, just what he represents. a lost ideal. my longing for a new love to come into my life and help me rebuild my faith. tonight i wander again, felt another blowout coming. so now, i wait patiently for my sleeping pills to kick in so that i may sleep peacefully tonight and not dream of my own failures, real or imagined. in a little while, i will be fine. tonight i hope i dream of love, and sweetness. i do hope she makes him happy.