the art of unhappiness

so, im in this place where evrything just fucking sucks. im in a bad place. i left work sick(ish) yesterday, didnt go back today-and have spent the majority of this free time sleeping or staring at the wall. trying to read and not being able to focus. trying to watch something on tv and having my mind wander off. im two days from starting this 21 day detoxification program that includes not drinking, quitting smoking, eating extremely healthy, and in general trying to be good to myself and my body. im really nervous about it, for reasons that are hard to articulate. we could chalk it up to a fear of failure. i have been blowing off a lot of different friends for different reasons, and i feel unable to set things right with anyone. maybe im going into a period of hermitage. there is a good friend i have known since i was thirteen. i have always had this affection for her. i had been hanging out with her and her girl a lot and it was starting to get to me-my attraction to her. i really like and respect her girlfriend, so i guess i figured the thing to do was just dissapear. this is purely my own stupidity and i do see that. i guess i just feel that even though i would never do anything to disrupt their thing-that just by going over there and having this affection i was being disrespectful. i dont know. its so dumb. she is a wonderful friend-i wish there wasnt any attraction there. i told another friend i hated him recently-actually i think i said detest or despise. but thats not true. it just doesnt feel good to be around him lately. we were together almost a decade ago, and over the last year we have become good friends (and sometime lovers) again. perhaps this is my folly. even though i dont want a relationship with him i feel somewhat possesive with him. but he is not to be possessed and i know it. the problem with him is that sometimes he will make you feel like you are the most special, important person. until he swings the other way and he is drinking and you hear him talk that way about everyone. he created a scenario that made me feel incredibly un-special so i told him i hated him and left. pretty stupid. i should know better than to get too close in that kind of situation. he's an ass, no doubt-but i dont hate him.
i have been feeling lately like its entirely possible that i might never meet anyone and fall in love again. i was watching somestupid thing on mtv, and there were a couple of women between 47 and 50 and they hadnt been with anyone in 20 years. i did the math in half a second and my blood LITERALLY went icy. the last time these women dated was around my age. i still feel very young-somewhere between 19-22ish BUT-i am not. i am 28. the idea is beginning to set in and im getting the first glimpses of fear that i have always heard women talk about. and i dont like it. its fucked.
so i can lower my standards and just date anyone so im not alone OR i can treat it like a job and go about finding the best person for me (whether or not there is love) OR i can be alone possibly for the rest of my life. none of these things are love-these are not options. my only option is to hold my faith and my morals and see what happens-but i have to be honest and say that the idea of being alone for the rest of my life is unnacceptable. not because i cant handle it-but because that is not a life i want to live! i want someone to share it all with.
i guess this is the root of whats bothering me.would anyone understand if i said im not afraid of being alone, but im afraid of what being alone will do to my soul eventually? i cant even delve too much into this or im going to miss work tomorow and have another day of staring into space trying to find some sense of it all.

i (heart) NYC

so, even though i couldnt bring myself to but one of the crappy tourist shirts to walk around in and proclaim it to the world-i do, in fact, love the city. i had an amazing time there. i have heard my entire life that new york is dirty, rude people, dangerous, ect. well, not the one i saw. i experienced a city with heart and soul. the energy there is incredible-its so alive! whereas, vegas mostly feels like a retired hooker with a drinking problem and an oxygen tank.
i got to see a lot of people from the tour i was on, they are all dancers and most of them live there. it was cool. whats funny is most people cant grasp the concept when you say you have never been to the city. they say, "oh okay" but they dont get it. i have to elaborate-"i have never, not once, in my life...been here, ever."
then-shock and confusion. "never?" "no, not once-ever."
for new yorkers there is no other city.
so for my first big day, i put my boots on and pounded the pavement for four hours. i walk really fast so i kind of fit in. until that is, i went up to a doorman at the chrysler building and asked if i was at the empire state building. the look he gave me withered me-contempt and pity! i felt like i had just used the wrong fork at a fancy dinner. it was a great day though. the next day, however i realized my folly of wearing the cowboy boots. my feet hurt like something was broken-literally. i felt hobbled! i limped for the next four days and in fact over a week later-they still hurt! i got to spend the day with trevor and we saw a play together. in fact-i saw three shows while i was there. i rode the staten island ferry and as it was returning to the island and we passed the statue of liberty all i could think about was the countless immigrants who streamed into that port, including my dutch ancestors. i never knew that it was the dutch who first came and settled the island as new amsterdam to be a trading and shipping port. the whole thing was kind of awing. it does feel semi-good to be home. my city might be a drunk whore with no heart, but she's mine.