turning point

so, i woke up remembering something today. when i was in my early twenties i always had older friends. i was remembering how their drinking was confusing to me. i barely drank at that point in my life since i was under the tyrannical thumb of the evil ex husband. but i watched my friends. they would talk about their drinking, sometimes very negatively. and all of them had "personal confession" moments where they said they believed they had a problem. then i would watch them get trashed and be completetly happy. i didnt understand how anyone could get addicted to drinking. now at twenty-nine i sit with my friends and we joke about how we are alcoholics. now im part of that cycle of wonder-"i wonder if maybe i do have a problem...." i keep telling myself no, but im waking up with more hangovers and less clarity about where im headed. everything feels so strange right now. its the holidays which already makes me feel nuts. people from my past are popping up all around me. i woke up yesterday with that feeling. i get it every few years-its time to run. so i pack up most of my things, throw away a bunch of stuff. it somehow relieves this pressure. today i just feel absolutely crazy. everything in me wants to run. the difference is i have someone i want to run with. and what im feeling for her is making me take a look at myself. because i want a good life, with her. i want to be healthy because i want to build a life with her. i want experiences that are not wrapped up in overindulgence. i dont want a shallow, superficial life. i dont want to wake up in a year and realize i dont know myself anymore. this life...
life is so long and it can be so scary. and ive always felt that the only thing that makes it worth it is love. and i can see the damage i have done to myself because it is a struggle to stay hopeful...it used to come so naturally. if i am to be totally honest with myself-i drink too much, period. and its not funny. i see these older, broken women in the bars and i know that the only thing that seperates me from them is time. and time is precious. i want to see the world, i want to do everything. and its not going to happen if i stay in the bars. falling in love is making me want more. i think of her, of all my friends-drinking and driving, smoking, hurting ourselves...and time is flying by. i feel this sense of urgency because someday, somehow i will cease to exist. its inevitable, i know. but when i go i want to know i lived the best life possible, that i didnt destroy myself, that i lived in faith and love instead of fear and misery. i will not be broken.

faith

so, awhile back a friend told me this story about a date she was on. she had asked her date, "how do you know when its real?" they were at a resteraunt, and he just took her hand and walked her outside. he put her back to the sun and told her to close her eyes. then he told her to keep her eyes closed and slowly turn around. she told me when she felt the sunlight hit her face and immediately start warming her she understood. thats how you know its real. because you go from feeling cold and in the dark to suddenly standing in the light. i know what that feels like now. somehow, the universe decided to bless me with the most beautiful person i have ever met. and she came in and shined her light on me during one of the darkest periods i have had in a very long time. the reason i stopped writing and just isolated is because for a just a quick moment (but long enough to hurt me) i got sucked into drugs again. crazy! i drink but i havnt done drugs in years really. it pulled me in fast and hard. all of my self destructive tendencies came out in full force. and as jessie (goddamn, that girl is one tough cookie!) told me on the phone one day-its not funny anymore. and it wasnt. i just felt like i was blowing everything-because of loneliness, dissatisfaction with life. i was having this 'fuck it all' feeling of im nothing but my fathers daughter-why fight it? quick dissent into addiction and eventually i will destroy my soul and it wont matter. i ran away for a bit. i went to montana to try and get myself sorted out, and it was so good. but the night i came home i was right back to the drugs. several bad days and nights later i decided i just didnt want to hurt myself anymore. i saw that i had taken it too far. i decided that even though my life hadnt turned out how i wanted it at this point, that it was extremely immature and selfish to just destroy it out of spite. and im sorry for making my friends worry, i just want to say that. but i pulled myself up again. and then i saw her. i have never had a relationship with a woman before, but i had never been opposed to it. and its been smooth, almost effortless. im really, truly in love with her. she has the strengths that i lack, she has a soul that matches mine, she has a beautiful heart. i tell her that she is a blessing. and when i say that its because i feel she is a gift given to me by the universe for making the right choice, for walking away from what was hurting me. i havnt felt this kind of connection with someone in so long, maybe ever. because evrything feels new with her, right with her. everything i have been asking for im now recieving. and she loves me. she knows me and she STILL loves me-miracles...
she tells me im perfect and i want to hide my face in my hands and tell her to run away from me, but then i think to myself-"i think she's perfect too, so just maybe its possible that for whatever reason somehow i AM perfect for her." ive been folded into her life, her home, her friends and its like i have always been here, always belonged with her. there is the side of me that gets scared because its new, because good things seem to slip away-but i dont want to be scared or sit in doubt. im choosing faith for this love because i feel like its the one i have been waiting for all along. i felt so lost over this summer and fall. i had always felt like there is a path for me (however rocky) but the last several months was the first time in my life i truly believed i had taken a wrong turn and lost my way. but now i see i had to go through that darkness so i would feel the sunlight when it hit me. im crying right now as i type this because now that light surrounds me all the time, and i feel so lucky and grateful. the most beautiful name in the world is shannon.