i love this stone angel. she lives in florida. i wish her feet were not anchored. i wish she could fly. she is green and twelve feet tall. i think she might look like my soul. 

the truth on a sliding scale

so, i havnt been able to write for a while. this is not entirely true-my hands have not been tied behind my back. i have been isolated completely for one week now and god, do i feel the isolation. you could say ive been sick, but that is not entirely true. i, in fact, have not felt well and i have been on medication. i am having a hard time because i detest lying-even to strangers. yet, at this moment i am struggling between feeling the need for a certain amount of privacy, and wanting to express the fact that i feel lonely right at this moment. and i needed to write about it. i told someone at the beginning of this week that i sprained my wrist-a white lie that hurts no one but gives an explanation for my absense. i do in fact have a HUGE and ugly bruise on my inner right arm that is only beginning to fade. i miss smoking. i miss drinking. i want to have sex. i think my cat plots against me. i am dizzy quite often. my stomach hurts. i have watched more tv in a week than in six months. i feel like i am in a darkish place right now. i know i will be okay. all of these things are true. in my medicated state i miss my ex who i fully believed by this point i would have married and had a kid with. im irritated at the fact i could miss him-even medicated. but i understand its my human nature. we had a lot of fun, i really loved him. my cat knows im "sick"-he is positively fucking glued to me. and he stares....
i think i am positively going to florida. i think after that i will be moving to north hollywood to pursue a darkly romantic existance (and further education.)
i am a high. loneliness never lasts. i might feel a little too out of it-which is why i havnt written. i feel quietly out of control. i am done.

somewhere in LA 

unhealthy relationship with karma

so, when i was 21 i was working in the las vegas city animal shelter. i worked in shelter intake-where animal control comes in and where people drop off their unwanted pets (bastards.) so one cold nov. morning i was the first to show up and there is a box waiting. i sighed. this is nothing new. but there was a note-"my name is karma. my owners cant help me because im injured. please help me." and inside is the ugliest, sickest kitten i have ever seen. karma has broken his rear leg. he has an upper respitory infection, a gastro-intestinal infection. he has ear mites. in short, karma could not get much worse. i sigh again because i know what lies ahead for this little one-blue juice. (good-night folks)
i had already fostered kittens till they were coming out my ears-(side note-hands down best moment of my life-fostering a mother with six kittens, taking a nap and getting surrounded my mom and kits on every side till i was wrapped in a warm, purring ball of love)-and it only took a second to decide. i took on karma. my friend mich later said-oh, you are trying to heal karma.....
he got better, and i never returned him. i had invested too much love in saving him. there was a period when i thought he was too far gone, but he made it.
well, the cat believes he IS my boyfriend. he gets jealous, moody, he wants every tiny bit of my attention. if i disagree he sulks, stalks me (a scary period we have thankfully grown out of.) he will crawl on my chest and stare into my eyes for an unnerving amount of time. he attacked a guy i was having sex with once-in the moment.
i dont share this with prospectives. men seem to sometimes have problems with cats anyway so it seems foolhardy to tell a guy beforehand "if he gets a crazy look just stay still and dont breathe audibly."
i may have healed karma but now i have a life partner that i can never shower with, or go to dinner, ect. what do you do with an unhealhy karmic relationship?

when good dates go bad....

so, i met up with the car salesman guy last night and i would like to begin my tale with a quote from the book "love on a rotten day"
-"dont bother asking what you have done to upset him-everything you have done has upset him."
there is a reason they are called cancers. (okay-i KNOW there is a cancerian friend or two of mine who will read this and say "what the fuck!!!" just know-im not looking at you as a dating partner and that makes all the difference with this little gem of a sign. i know you are predisposed to wild sensitivity-dont take any of this personally!!!) cancer, the crab, the crabby. if he doesnt get his way he will scuttle under a rock and click his claws furiously until he has decided on the appropriate form of "punishment." plus what looks like devotion is closer to obsession-they DO NOT give up.
so, mr. man and i are having a good time. he drank a lot and suddenly went from being kind of reserved and gentlemanly to a P.P.M.-public pawing monster. and i am really trying to keep my cool and remind myself that maybe he is just nervous and he hasnt dated in a long time-yadda yadda. but when we ended up downtown with him insisting on getting a hotel room (and not accepting my no until i finally had to say "because i dont feel comfortable with it, thats why!) i realized mr. man is no mr. sweetheart. so i told him the best i could offer is to have another drink back at the bar we started at-aka-where my car was. back at the bar mr. man found it appropriate to stick his hand down the back of my pants and make creepy comments about my thong. the thing is i was attracted to him and if he wouldnt have been so pushy about it, he would have done a lot better. when not pawing, i acually enjoyed his conversation-but then the glazed look would come into his eyes and i knew i was in for round eight. BACK OFF!!!-i think, then when i found out he was a cancer i knew it was dead in the water. i am too much of a foot-in-the-mouth. i always end up upsetting cancers, and they are nasty retaliaters. i dated a cancerian punk in the uk for a few weeks and when i told him i just didnt see a future (i was on tour and leaving-he wanted me to marry him) he pouted and got drunk over several hours and then started a knock-down drag-out in the street with me! sheesh....
it could be worse-jessie had a "date" with a guy a few weeks ago that admitted to regular blackout drunks, and how in high school he soaked a shirt in bleach for two days and then when it was paper thin cutting it into small pieces and eating it over the course of a month or so. the man ate his shirt. what do you say to that?
(cricket, cricket, tumbleweed blowing by...........)
anyhow-oh well. i could run with this guy for a bit but whats the point when you can already envision an ugly ending. the fact that i had a nightmare about being trapped on a car lot last night is very telling. im sure mr. man will go on to make some woman stark raving mad, but it aint me babe.

in the doorway 

vote now-is she REALLY an asshole?-2004

so, i vote yes. i think im an asshole. im not even being sarcastic. here, in public format i will flay myself and put myself up for judgement and ridicule.
here is my platform:
point A-im very sensitive. you might say too sensitive in some circumstances.
point b-im selfish. i do want things to go my way.
point c-im standoffish when i meet people-i have been accused of snobbery. (this really does kill because im NOT a snob-just cautious when i meet people.) which brings me to-
point d-im a defensive person. i feel like i need to be right. (and in my defense i would say this comes from not being able to voice my opinion as a child.)
point e-i have at some point, in some way, done something to hurt every single person i love-(even if unintentionally.)
point f-im judgemental. i expect others will behave the way i would without taking into account their own wants and needs.
point g-i have a hard time admitting when im wrong and/or owning up to my own flaws.
point h-i feel like im usually right in a given situation-(not to be confused with feeling like i need to be right as mentioned in point d.)
point i-i want people to like me and to always see me in the best light.

i have been thinking about my flaws a LOT lately and really trying to be honest with myself about them, ensteading of automatically defending myself. i can be all these things. and putting this blog up kills me because its showing and aknowledging ALL the worst parts of my character without defense. but im doing it as an apology to the people in my life i care about who i have hurt or wronged because of these parts of myself. and i mean it very sincerely-im sorry.
note-this blog is not a cry for validation so i respectfully ask to not recieve any "thats not true" type comments. please accept it as it is meant-an apology that seeks nothing in return.

 

 

 

jello shots and xanax-a halloween tale in two acts

act one-in which we set the stage for the evening

so, i get over to jess's pretty early so we can get ready together. her roommate nic has made jelloshots for the festivities. we all have a great time getting ready. jess and i are seventies girls (i look more like a seventies girl getting to go to work sadly, but she rocks-she is on the way to a disco.) we have pussy-in-boots, and pee-wee herman. then our boys start showing up. one is a "monster-bar" guy sporting a shirt that says "shit happens when you party naked." we take on the responsibilty of turning our sweet josh into a crazy glam-rocker with a drinking problem-well, i guess he has that a bit to begin with. then mike, insanity-he is docter strangelove-which not only did he watch the movie several times in preperation for but also coaxed jess into borrowing a wheelchair from the guy down the street! so we begin to have our "jellowshots" which werent really put into shot glasses or cups-we are just eating them by the bowlfill!!!!!!
yes, its true. so finally after (no joke) 2-4 bowls a piece-(josh alone had one full bowl spoon fed to him while i did his makeup)-we hed out to cheers.
cheers is great! lots of cool people, costumes, one very surreal fight that went on for 20-ish minutes until the guys both decided they were too drunk and came back in to just have another beer and cool off. we had a blast!!! jess won for best costume. finally zack showed up-he was a cowboy. he said he was really mellow, which suddenly reminded me that i had been given a zanax the day before and had completely forgotten about it. i thought for a second about having only had 2 1/2 beers at that point and forgot the 2 1/2 bowls of vodka/151 cherry jello. it was only around 12-so i popped it.

act two-in which i have no memory, so all info is supplied by witnesses

literally, the last thing i remember is taking the pill. i was told they are not that strong, and i have a mad tolerance for everything so i wasnt worried at all. but i dont have even the fuzziest memories of anything after, and i have never had a black-out in my life. according to witnesses, i passed out cold at the table within minutes. my poor 130 pound best friend was trying to carry me out at dead weight because i was GONE-and apparently so were all of our other friends. the bartender ended up getting me to her car. so i guess i was propped on the couch while she ran upstairs to talk to her sister and roomate to figure out what to do. apparently i wasnt breathing that good, and she acually thought i was dying on her. and she was not exaggerating or being dramatic. meanwhile downstairs i apparently tried to stand and fell on my face with a very loud crash. they thought i was laying in glass and were scared to move me-luckily it was my charm bracelet clinking on the linoleum underneath me(though today i am very sore on my right brow so it must have been where i hit when i fell.) she called to get help from friends, but everyone was busy. eventually she and her sister got me undressed and into her bed after they were convinced i would not die in my sleep. i feel so horrible for my sweet friend having been scared so much, because she is not a panicky person so if she was that afraid it must have been very, very bad. im a little dissapointed that out of all our good guy friends there, that no one even helped her get me out of the bar-(let alone show concern for whether i was okay.)
maybe they didnt realize how serious it was....i dont know.

epilogue-
in any case-i am a bit sobered by this. i have done tons of drugs and alcohol in my life but never felt in danger really (other than emotionally.) i wonder why my attitude tends to be so casual. i wonder what it would have done to my beautiful friend if my heart had stopped, and i died in her backseat while she tried to drive home. it makes me think about how i should not be so flippant and "cool" about it all. the most amazing thing is i woke up with no hangover whatsoever-which i acually prayed and gave thanks for because when your memory goes from dropping a pill with a swig of beer to waking up with no underwear on in a foreign bed you assume its gonna be REAL bad.
i heard a murmur that the reason my friends were't able to help is because they were setting up their own recreational plans for later. if thats true-its kind of crappy because if one of my friends went down i would make certain they were cool and it was all under control. but we are all different, we all have our owns ways. it would be nice if they would have called to check on me today to see if im okay. im a lucky girl, i am okay. next time i will know to only take half the damn thing!!!