chchchanges...

so, very soon-maybe even tomorow when i can see to type i will write a blog about show-ponies and the way i am affected by them. i am a bit tipsy right now. what i can say right now with certainty is not all 22year old's are dumb punks and even though i have had another three and a half days off it somehow never feels like quite enough. i have yet to tap into my inner show-pony apparently.
ps-the fast was amazing and i will surely do it again soon

day eight

so, if anyone would have told me i would be in this good place after quitting smoking without any forthought or real preparation AND not eating for eight days i would have called them crazy and ordered another drink. :)
its good. i feel wonderful. i smoked pot when i was a teenager which is years ago, and i remember the giggly feeling, permagrin, ect. its kind of how i feel now. light, innocent, unfettered, un-needing if that makes any sense. at this point im deciding to go with this for as long as my body accepts it. and so interestingly, my mind seems to be quite accepting too.
i have always had this chatter in my head. incessant, repetive thoughts about food, ciggerettes, alcohol. its the addict in my personality. its this voice that i give into over and over. this voice that has strangely fallen so silent.
i never saw willy wonka and the chocolate factory when i was little. last night i went and saw the remake with jess. and i met a character i was quite familiar with.
veruka salt, the little girl who who always says "i want..."
my voice has a name (and now a brittish accent.)
this has been my problem all along. i have been unwilling to say no to this inner part of me that just wont shut up. its funny-all i had to do was starve her.
that was actually my greatest fear before starting the master cleanse-that the chatter would drive me crazy. but for whatever reason, all is still.
its nice. with this clear quiet head i was room for all kinds of interesting thoughts, realizations. stepping out of my comfort zone with my habits is allowing me to step out of my comfort zone upstairs.
tonight in the shower i was thinking about friendships as artwork. some of my friendships are like paintings done with a one-hair brush. there is so much detail. you can see every line, every nuance of color, every space between light and dark.
some paintings are simply done with broader strokes. they can be equally beautiful, but some have just had more time and thought put into them. the time and thought put into a piece will inevitably create a different type of painting.

 

yes, master...

so, i really hate it when i take so long inbetween posts. i feel like i have to play massive catch-up, so i keep putting it off, more catch-up-its an ugly cycle...
so tonight i commit to writing.
i guess semi-lots has happened...
first-the detox....was a disaster. i was a detox-dropout. the VERY first night (wouldnt you know...) an old friend called in distress. his dog had died, and he was crying. i was actually in bed, almost asleep at 11pm on a saturday night. i felt the hysterical laughter and pointing fingers of the universe-no point fighting. he specifically asked for beer and ciggs. and i had gone all day without smoking, too!
oh the irony. i love animals, and men-how could i say no? i didnt even put up a fight. i cracked a beer, lit a smoke, and settled in to listen to him cry and then suddenly-oh yeah, thats right-he brought out a little tray with white powder on it. i drink yes, but i cant remember the last time i was even around drugs. he offered and i declined-twice. but after two and half hours and a six-pack my resolve crumbled. i did a few of the tiniest lines amaginable-but still my head was flying. then my mission of mercy took a funky turn when my grieving friend decided this certainly could become a mercy-fuck! (the soundtrack to this moment is britney spears "toxic"-no joke. my fuzzy, addled mind recognized my limits (yes, i have them) and i got the hell out of there AND....drove straight to my old ex. cause i was on drugs! and i really wanted to have sex! just not with grieving man!
anyways, the next day i decided i could surely bounce back from the slip-up. but then i was cranky from coming down (truly ridiculous considering the miniscule amount i did) and going through massive regret about my own goddamned addictive fucking nature (THANKS DAD!!!) i continued to smoke and to justify it to the countless inconsiderate people who smugly pointed out that i couldnt be truly detoxing if i was still smoking. still as far as the eating right and drinking went i really did stick it out for a whopping six days at which point i started having a beer a day and found myself in a few very shameful moments eating fast food in my car secretly in the middle of the night. i can still justify this somewhat...my mom was doing really good on the detox deal and i didnt want to screw up her momentum. i know she would have felt discouraged if she knew...(shame and self-loathing reaching explosive levels.) over the next week i gamely hung in somewhat, got through the weekend with a little lapsing, and just kind of dropped the whole business and fell into extreme displeasure last week. all of this was very good and here is why-i hit a bottom of sorts. i felt covered by the toxicity of all of my choices in life. and i realized how much i truly, truly wanted to quit smoking and do something sweet for my poor body. so i did. for real, forever. i am a non-smoker now. i also fell into some quick interest about the master cleanse. i am at the end of day three, and i feel wonderful. there are a lot of different ideas about how long to do it for, however i feel like knowing the different things my body will go through-i can just listen and i will know when its time to come off of it. its reaaally extreme, but somehow i think thats why it will work for me-i can handle extremes. more than a detox, it is a cleansing fast. i think the whole purpose of the "detox" was to show me my weaknesses, and desires for change, and to prepare me for this. i feel utterly strong in my decision to stop smoking no matter how long i do this fast for. if anyone is interested i give credit to allen carr's "the easy way to stop smoking." worked for jessie too. i also need to say i have the best friend ever!!!!-who somehow, no matter what, still thinks im cool and not completely crazy.
other than this 'cleanse-detox-smoking-body' stuff...
i had the coolest zombie dream-my first ever!!!
i was insanely, nightmarishly groped by a drunk bartender!
i got scratched across the eyeball by a playful kitten!
i have a mini-crush on a cool client!
i decided to go to scotland for a few weeks!
and i feel sweet and kind of silly, just to myself. its from not smoking-i feel innocent and light. it feels good...:)