blah, blah, blah

so, i dont know how to start this blog. well, school started this week. it has alternately been fun and terrifying. i still am not sure if im even doing the right thing, and for about four hours on tues. i seriously considered dropping out and becoming a bartender. im in a weird place today. i have a bad hangover (broken record syndrome.) luckily, my class (that i pitifully dragged myself too) let out after a half hour. (first day, introductions are quick.) im meepy. for those who dont know what that is-remember "beaker" from the muppets? well, he made that sound whenver the crazy professor was up to something-meep-meep-MEEP. its a silly, sad little sound that is desperate, afraid, hopeful. it really encompasses a whole range of human emotion in one little sound, and often its the perfect example of how im feeling. meepy. (kind of like bleary-blurry, tearful, too much beer.) anyway, last night i had bad dreams. real bad, like where people i care about turn on me, hurt me. dreams of insecurity, basically. i was told by the sweet man (in my dream) to stay out of the bar, to get a life. i know this is my subconcious, not him, but im still bummed. because this means my little innermost person is very displeased with me lately-with my choices. i was told recently i have terrible taste in men-and this was from an ex who added that he was included in that! he suggested a dating service since "im one of the very few who literally should not be able to pick on my own."
this didnt bother me at all-its kind of funny in a hang my head in my hands kind of way. my throat is sore today from screaming like a banshee all the way home last night while driving. this is unusual for me. normally keep it in, stay reserved, dont look ugly. last night i met a man in the bar who can bend metal. for real. he did it twice right in front of me. first with my coin, then with a key i dont use. between his thumb and forefinger with my face inches away. i saw it just melt over for lack of a better way to put it. no tricks. he was even drunk, its just something he was born with. its left me with a slightly unsettled feeling of awe. there is the divine, and the ordinary. and once in a great while there is someone who falls in-between; its not often you are in the company of someone like that. his website for anyone interested is "whatdidijustsee.com"-check it out.
i think between the dream last night, and some other stuff going on-im done. i am determined to have a better life. im at the point where im not having fun anymore-it feels like im punishing myself for something enstead. and thats just ridiculous. i used to smile constantly, and now it feels kind of unnatural when i do. school is so good for me. its already brought my mind into focus. i like being in class, i like having instructions to follow and assignments to complete. i have always liked school. and i am so grateful that i have the ability to be in school, so i know i wont blow it off over any of this other shit. its time to get right with myself.

 

love's philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of Heaven mix for ever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle -
Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high Heaven
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea -
What are all these kissings worth
If thou kiss not me?

percy shelley

just add purple hair 

fantasy

so, i remembered something recently that i had forgotten. about what i wanted to look like when i was little. its just funny how kids perception are so different than what we want as adults. i didnt care about being skinny, or boobs, or anything. i wanted to have violet colored skin, and long emerald colored hair (or the reverse would have been acceptable.) i think it was a 'my little pony' that started this. also i wanted silver eyes because there was this book called "the girl with silver eyes" and she was a misfit, but seemed cool and was kind of psychic or something.
and wings. big, real, working wings. like an angel's but just for everyday living. and the only power i wanted was the ability to communicate with any animal or living creature that was not human. and i would spend all my time flying around and being with animals. its just funny to me how lately ive bemoaned feeling like a monster, a mutant, a freak-when as i little kid it was all i dreamed about. weird.....

oops, my bad

so, when most people hit bottom they look up-i personally look for a shovel. oh yes, i can always go lower. im okay. im acually smiling right now, because all i can do is be okay with myself. i told jess its like we are at the end of some long, fucked up, crazy race. the finish line is in sight. soon, my blog will be nothing but boring tales of school and work, but tonight my friends-the freakshow.....
so, because i dont have the emotional faculties currently to handle any situation in a diplomatic fashion i blow it-in the worst way possible. anyone who has known me for any length of time has gotten to wittness this. my sweet man with the drinking problem is (suprise, suprise) a bartender. i forgot if i have mentioned this. he works in my favorite bar. i tried to tell him that sex without affection afterward really wasnt my cup of tea, but apparently he missed it-so after another round of this i was feeling unright. i was itching for incident. friday i went to two bars first, drank. went into the sweet man's bar and ordered nothing but hard alcohol. im a beer girl, a once in a while shot person-NOT a hard liquor person. long story shorter-i got very, very drunk. i didnt black out, but my memory is spotty. and i guess i made some weird choices. like-making out with a 21 year old in front of sweet man for four hours, while he was working. like-leaving the lights on in my car when i first tried to leave and realized i literally could not drive so that when i came back out hours later my car was dead. like-falling asleep in my car for a bit until around 10am (oh, yes) until
some guys knocked on my window and ended up jumpimg my car. like-going back into the bar and asking for more. (i was denied-not out of bitterness but because sweet man was still looking out for me.) i crashed for almost 36 hours afterward and really could do nothing but laugh at my own assholish behaviour. then, repentance. calling the 21 year old and saying im sorry i was an asshole. i normally dont drink like that and i dont make out with strangers in bars, you were nice to me and im sorry i pulled you into my shit. going back to bar to apologise to manager who was also there. to say-im sorry i disrepected sweet man in front of you and put him in a bad position while he was working. and finally-to sweet man himself (who i found in the other nearest bar on sunday when i went looking)
im sorry. what can i say?
i think i may on some level have sabatouged this so i didnt have to deal with saying i cannot handle you. so that i can be the bad guy and let him walk away from me-as he did. jess says it probably just drove him more crazy and within days he will be back. who knows....ah vegas.
i really do feel a bit icky because i never, ever pull that kind of stuff-making out drunk with strangers is just not my scene. neither is intentionally trying to hurt someone. oh well? i dont know.
i have recently learned that there are some people that come here on a regular basis and read my silliness. i really appreciate it. its nice to know that people read this for whatever reason. it pushes me to write more, to be more honest. its kind of like angels-even if you dont see them you still know they are there.

my monster

okay, for real-no fancy wording, no attempts at humour. my monster is that my dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. i know somewhere inside, logically that he loved me. i hope he did. he didnt act like it. he was a bad drunk. i remember asking my mom why he hated me so much. i wonder if he thought i ruined his life in some way, when i told on him. told what he did to me. brought out all the monsters. someone once drew a door on my wall and told me it was for the monsters to come through. he never had any idea why that fucking door affected me so much. i had a door open earlier and destroy all of our lives. i opened it. it was the right thing to do but i never felt that my dad loved me again after that happened. and the thing of it is i loved my dad so much, but i started to hate him for treating me with such animosity. i was relieved when his plan for slow suicide finally paid off. i hated that he told me he missed coke, that someday he would kill himself, that my mother was not enough to live for. i hated that he always smelled like alcohol, and right now im hating myself for being so attracted to it on the man im sleeping with. the man im sleeping with is an alcoholic who will not show me one bit of affection when he is sober. and im digusted with myself for in any way entertaining the idea of making this work. im angry that every relationship i have had has in some way been shaped by my shit with my father. im furious at myself for being so weak, for being so desperate to make the wrong people love me because he didnt. im sad that i have never given myself faith in really taking a shot with a good guy. i have known good guys-long enough to knock them down for anything because i can just feel "they are not right for me." im really trying to find some root here-why i somehow feel if i can hold onto this damaged person and have them love me it will in some was compensate for my own damage. this is my monster, rearing its ugly head. at so many points in my life i have felt over it (my dad) but maybe some things never completely go away. the man im sleeping with told me today he is coming to depend on me. it scared me a little, but if i am to be truly honest it also gave me a small thrill. like, i guess that means if im willing to put up with all his bad behaviors, his neglect, his drunken talk, ect. then HOORAY-i get to keep him? im horrified with myself and my willingness to dive head first into this pathos that i know without doubt could truly, really do some damage to my soul. i guess thats why its called self-destructive behavior. or survival on the installment plan. i wont be happy forever, everything will hinder me, beauty will desert me. my words will be ugly.

mutant, i

so, today i feel like a monster. not like a cute cookie monster-like that movie-MONSTER. and not that im a hooker, or a serial killer, or a lesbian. just that feeling that comes from within that screams "ugly, mutant, monstrosaurus." "unworthy of love, or respect, or happiness, or even a dental plan." then i feel EVEN MORE like a monster because i say to myself "what in the fuck are you upset about-you are alive, healthy, not in jail or on illegal drugs, you have no children to support, and even if you could use a dental plan you STILL HAVE YOUR TEETH!!!! you havnt lost them to drugs, or men, or chewing on rocks because you have mental issues." and then i say "well, fuck that! its not always enough just to have your choppers!" and then "you INCREDIBLY STUPID BITCH-you have gotten to experience things that others dream about and you feel whiny because you have had too much to drink lately, and you feel like life is empty?!?! what the hell is your problem?" "well, im lonely."
"well, deal with it-everyones lonely-you are nothing special." and on and on and on...im quite hard on myself lately. im in a vicious cycle of something. i find myself praying for an accident, anything that will just change everything. this is why i feel like a monster. i feel like a rip in the skin, fresh blood thats drying to a stain. i feel shadowed. i used to feel malevolent energy around me all the time. then it stopped, completely. lately i feel like its hovering just outside of my peripheral vision, seeping in the cracks of my windows, waiting for me to go too far.....i dont even know how to explain whats im feeling. bear with me, someday i will be funny again. right now i just have to vent this all-cause im fading. im wondering if any of us will EVER get what we want. i still feel like im somehow prepping for my "real life" whatever that is. does it involve a sweet home with animals, a man who loves me, a blond baby, A DENTAL PLAN????? god, i hope so...

 

crash victim

so, today i hit a wall-hard. around eleven in the morning. after once again drinking way too much and allowing myself to be in less-than-satisfactory-situations. i do not pity myself, i make these choices. but im wisin' up. i cant take on an alcoholic, no matter how sweet he may be. i need to check myself. make sure im not getting a problem im going to have to worry about. im sad that somewhere inside of me i seek the approval of drunk old men. let me clarify cause that sounds terrible...
i mean, when im going around to every seedy bar in town with a certain sweet man who has a drinking problem-it makes me happy when i get the approval of his friends aka-fellow drunks. this is the first guy i have really, sweetly liked in a very long time. the closest ive come to feeling like i have a boyfriend in forever. and i want to cry right now because he has emotional stuff going on i cannot begin to understand how to deal with. and i ache because if he saw me cry he would hate it because according to him, crying is for the weak-when you cry you get hit. he was emotionally damaged in a way very few people on earth could understand. and he will never let me in. at the first sign of intimacy he would turn into a twelve year old-crude jokes, noogies, wedgies, pinches. he left bruises all over me. "he dont mean no haaaarm, he just dont know-what else to do about it." i cant save him. i cant save anyone. but he certainly invokes that feeling in me. i just want to hold his head, and pull him into the nook under my chin and kiss the top of his head over and over until he doesnt hurt anymore. fuck, i want someone to do that to me-with all my heart. i ache right now with all my heart. here is jens heart on a platter-look if you care. keith in his sweetest moment was so good, so healthy for me. had it so together. accept that one crucial thing....(no comments, please-i know, i know-and you know what,-i dont care right now-i hurt.) they say you never really get over someone until someone else steals your heart. so far the contenders are everything from ridiculous to heartbreaking, and they all fall so sadly short. i want crazy, passionate love. i want that connection that gives you butterflies AND makes you feel safe. i want someone who loves me for what i am. someone who doesnt care if i gain or lose, if my toenails are not painted, if i cry, if im bitchy, or silly. i want someone i can look bad, and i mean at my worst moment in front of without fear of losing their love. i am so flawed, so imperfect. the only thing close to perfect is my love-how much im willing to give to you honestly and without reserve. my prayer is for the one who will give back as much as they get. i dont want anymore games, anymore betrayal. i want to be in love again. im going to gently work on changing some things in my life right now. i want to quit smoking-for real and for good, i want to lower my alcohol intake, i want my body to feel strong and healthy again. i want to glow. right now i feel like a shadow, or a stain. too many hours spent in dark bars. i had a lot of fun but its changed now. i guess this was my way of dealing with getting off tour. a four month bender-lovely. thats why i hit the wall, had such amazing clarity this morning. how its affecting everything down to not even being able to write. i know i will be happy forever. nothing has permanately
damaged me. i am not broken-only a little bruised. and they will fade.

brand new year

so, i guess this is my feeble attempt to start writing on this thingy again. its been a crazy busy month. im not even going to try to catch-up. it is what it is. im going to go back to work soon. i am signing up for classes tomorow. im going to try to get in the surgery tech program. i feel a little lost, a little burnt out. im going to try not to drink for a few days. getting up at nine am makes me want to cry because it feels so unnatural. i wish i lived in a tent in the woods with a guy i knew once. i feel unsafe right now. a woman outside of my house this morning said she was lost and asked to come in. i told her no, sorry, im on my way out. by the time i came home a few hours later she had only made it to the corner. i wish i lived in a time where i could bring her in, help her-without the fear of her turning phychotic and attacking me. a few days ago a man asked a man for money because he was hungry. the man took him to dennys and bought him a meal, sat and talked with him. after the meal they went outside and at gunpoint the good samaritan had his wallet and car stolen. i dont like this world, i have no power to change our humanitys direction. the best i can hope for is to not be a victim of violence. oh wait-i already have been. maybe it wont happen again then. when i was 13 i would sneak out and wander all over downtown. unafraid. maybe i should do that again sometime. i long to be somewhere i feel safe. siiiiiiigh..........
i dont know what else to say. sometimes i think my dad had the right idea. he just folded into himself and quit. its like one day he woke up and said, nevermind-im not playing anymore. and it only took ten years for his body to catch up with his mind...
i think someone has played a dirty trick on me.