notre dame basilica, montreal 

sunrise in wales 

saying i have a sport coupe just makes me giggle

so, i have bought myself a car. and its a sport coupe (dissolving into giggles.) im really more of a big ol' truck kind of gal. but i hate the big ol' gas bill coupled with the big ol' insurance bill, so now im a girl with a sport coupe (snort, giggles....)
i guess its kind of cute looking, its sitting out in front waiting for me to come back and take it out.
i have already adorned it with seashells, crystals, and the smell of honeysuckle-sounds like an exotic bath enstead of my new sport coupe (im dying-falling off the bed.)
i have preprogrammed my radio stations-although i feel like a weirdo blasting rock and roll in this thing. its looks more like a car you would hear rap or some techno-funk-dance crap coming out of. my trunk smells unmistakably like wet dog which causes pause for thought. i hope i dont have the ghost of wet dog sharing my.......SPORT COUPE!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHAAAAHHAAhhmmmmhm. okay,
i think its out of my system now.
in any case, i guess im proud to say-its mine, its paid for (by me), and hopefully the four cylinder engine will help prevent me and my lead foot (combined with a tendancy for drunk driving-which i AM NOT proud of) out of trouble! its friday night, guess i will find out on the way home.
also, i think im already half crazy over the guy who sold me the car. jessie thinks he is perfect for me. we have a lot in common-he took me for a drink after the deal. :) but really, he just seems so incredibly nice. hearing his voice warms my heart. and he has a little girl. i have this theory that men who have had children understand love so much better than men who havnt. who knows...
i will not get my hopes up too much. but, he is coming out with me next wed. (after his little girl goes back to mom's.) jessie joked that only i would go get a car and a guy in one fell swoop. we will see....but i feel good about it. thinking about him makes me smile to myself. its been a long time since i have felt that. happy friday everyone!

santorini island, greece 

las vegas stormy sky 

snooty mermaid 

by request....

so, lately my girlfriends and i have been talking about men, relationships. which we really dont do all the time like a lot of girls (we can always find something better to talk about-tee-hee.)
let me say right now-if you are a guy and i know you, this is probably not referring to you. so, no bitter comments or hurt feelings my sweet male friends who i adore. i would also like to say right now-i love men. i am not, nor have i ever been a "man-hater." i feel sorry for women who just "hate" men. as friends or as lovers they are different, yet complimentary to us. people who run around saying men are good for nothing are fools. as cool as we may be, we have not figured out how to reproduce on our own and without them this whole thing called life would have been over before it got along too far. i just feel the need strongly to express this, because although this blog is a strong rant about a certain type of man i would never want anyone to mistake the mad love and respect i have for most men.
this may get a bit dark because i have very strong feelings about it, so hang on.
we were talking about the different types of guys and how they make you feel, as a woman-as a person. and i came up with a very unflattering, but truthful analogy about a type of man.
there is a man that is so intimidating but desirable that he makes you feel like puppy about to piss yourself. even typing the words makes me feel sick. i do not like this man and what he represents. he genuinely doesnt like women. this man never tries to give a woman what she needs causing that sick, nervous feeling around him. every woman has had one of these guys in her life. i think of all bad relationships this one is the worst. it tears down your ego and puts you on a rollercoaster of highs and lows depending on his moods. i think the thing that snags is the sad idea of which i will admit to being guilty of before-"if i can make HIM love me, then im a really good person." i have left this kind of thinking behind. its such a perfect self-defeating cycle because the sad secret is you will never get that kind of man to love you, really love you. i never want to be with a man that makes me feel that way again. i had a dream of my "partner" and he was so strong, but his strength didnt make me feel weak. it made me feel empowered. i know now, i see so clearly what is right me in love. i will recognize him by that feeling when he comes along. i cant say all the mistakes are behind me, but i will never be that shaking puppy again.

glory of the grateful dead

so, super quick love rant on the dead. call me a tree-hugging, save the world, smelly hippie-im acually not any of these things (FUCK!!!-okay, so i am a tree hugger)
anyhow-i just downloaded touch of grey this morning, which was the dead's only truly commercial song and one of the few i didnt have. im just reminded of my love for them. the peace; the sweet feeling thats like sunshine, and silliness. whenever im upset in an angry way the grateful dead can diffuse the steam like nothing else. i was telling a friend my theory that if more bars played grateful dead on a regular basis there would be less drunken fights. its just a theory-im not a scientist. okay-got to go make breakfast; later-love rants on kitties and del taco :)

just for fun-two dogs driving a truck in talkeetna, alaska

my green heaven. i think this is the best pic i have ever taken.

there's no place like home....

so, home sweet home-las vegas.
my flight was delayed by two hours (well, it was supposed to be!) so i started having drinks at the airport bar. i ended up talking to this couple and found out they were on their way to vegas as well. i mentioned that i had just bought "the best little whorehouse in texas" to watch on the flight and the girl got excited and said-"oooh, where are you sitting?" and as funny luck will happen, we were all sitting right next to each other. so we are getting DRUNK-i had already had 4 tall sam adams, then suddenly we here last call for boarding for OUR flight. then before it can hit us they call us out by name over the pa system. seems the low cloud cover problem in vegas that was supposed to have delayed us for hours suddenly cleared and we were about to be left!
i almost missed my flight home-unfuckingbelievable!!!! we had to run to make it. on the flight i went ahead and switched up to bloody mary's and in a typical turn got very, very drunk.
i spent the last 45 minutes of the flight in the back with the stewards telling them how i thought being a stewardess would be the perfect line of work for me! (in my drunkeness i forget the fact that i truly am afraid of flying.) i get all the contact numbers and mike tells me im lovely and personable and those are two very important traits for the business. our discussion ends with me saying something to the affect that in 6 months i will be their co-worker and all the fun we will have.....it is the most rough descent i have evr experienced after im reseated. people around me are acually gasping and im acting like its nothing. mike stumbles by me and asks-are you sure you want to do this? oh sure, no problem-meanwhile the plane is bouncing around like a washing machine during the spin cycle. we do land safely and jessie-my partner in crime is supposed to be my pickup. i call her and she is as drunk as me! so she grabs me, we go back to the bar she was at and have another.
i think what i experienced the next day (yesterday) was not a hangover, but post-traumatic stress syndrome from what i experienced on the flight but did not aknowledge at the time.
in any case-i was a very, very sick girl. i wont go into details, but i would have to guess it was probably closer to alcohol poisoning than a hangover.
in any case, all better now and its friday!!!!! hooray, im home!

insomnia, my dark master

so, i have insomnia. my old friend insomnia that seems to gain strength with each day. as i laid awake, i realized something-i have started every written post with the word so. and it wasnt intentional! and i didnt know for sure, so i got on up, went through all the shit of starting up grandma's computer and had to check. (and sure enough i have-except for the "attention" message but that was written by the administrator so it doesnt really count.) you see, i realized it was an "insomnia trigger type" thought. something completely useless and random that i will wonder about ALL NIGHT LONG
unless i go find the answer. it kind of ties into my whole ends-of-the-earth-girl thing. which is a nickname jessie gave me because if i decide i want something, or i need to know something (and i need to know everything!!!) or i just feel i have a mission of sorts i will stop at nothing until its mine, i know, or i have done it.
i dont choose to look at this as a problem, i will call it a quirk.
a quirk of mine. like the time i decided 2 years ago i had to contact my 9th grade physcology teacher to let him know he made a difference, or when i wanted to look up a friend from jr high but i couldnt remember his last name so i spent three hours going through yearsbooks (in the office at my old junior high-i dont remember being that small...) or my all time favorite-the book. couldnt remember the title, the author, nothing. knew it was my favorite when i was little. this search took years, literally. i searched card catalouges all over the country, any where i was. never gave up, finally found it. turns out it was french and very rare. i paid almost eighty dollars for it if i remember right. as i write this i feel a faint despair. who will love this crazy girl? my friends love me but they dont have to live with me and be my lover. i mean i think im a pretty great girlfriend to have, but maybe im not. maybe all my loves were too kind to state the facts-"girl, you are crazy!"
wait a minute, oh yeah...they have all told me that. um....
then i would like to think that im a cute, eccentric type of nut.
(but maybe, just maybe im not. and if so, what kind of freak am i going to have to find to stay forever? i shudder to think.)
i think i should take the job in florida. tour has left me spoiled, weak. too much money, not enough work. sounds crazy right? its a recipe for disaster, its not a healthy balance-trust me! i need something to make me hard. solitary confinement and hard labor is probably exactly what i need to straighten me out. its a very small island. and a LOT of hard work.
its nights like tonight when for one nano-second i wonder if i should have left my ex-husband and then i immediately think ICK!!! OF COURSE! i had "stability" but at a very steep price. he was a vice slowly crushing my spirit. i luckily escaped with it all intact. most of the time i forget i was ever married because when i was i felt like i was in my forties! now, i usually feel in the 20-22 range. im only 27.
i feel i should go to florida and really test myself, because im intimidated by it. keep pushing my limits, always.
but all i want right now is sweet, sweet sleep. the ability to quickly fall asleep on a regular basis is a blessing. if you are able to do this there is always something you can be grateful for.

ATTENTION PLEASE

THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOGSPOT HAS CURRENTLY BEEN IN THE SOUTH FOR ONE TOO MANY DAYS. DUE TO HER WEIRD INNER X-MAN POWER (PLEASE REFER TO BLOG "FINDING YOUR INNER X-MAN") SHE HAS DEVELOPED A STRONG SOUTHERN ACCENT AND AFFECTATION. PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED. SHE IS DUE TO RETURN TO THE WEST TOMOROW WHERE WITHIN 2-3 DAYS SHE WILL REGAIN HER NORMAL, STANDING VALLEY GIRL ACCENT. (ALTHOUGH WE HONESTLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE HAS THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY SPENT 2 YEARS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA AND THAT WAS OVER A DECADE AGO-BUT I DIGRESS.)

yin/yang-young love

so, when i think about the men in my life who have been influential;
boys i have loved greatly-there are two that significantly stand out.
in my mind they are yin and yang to each other. they both gave me, taught me so much. they are both as opposite as can be, yet i know they would have an enteresting conversation if they ever were to meet. the reason these two are so special is because i was young enough that they helped shape me, yet old enough to understand love and take it seriously. my relationship with each of them was fun, crazy, trying, full of love, sexually charged, passionate, and very unique. i used to have this secret fantasy, (after they were both gone from me) that the three of us would be together. (this is not a sexual fantasy-more of an emotional one.) because i thought these two guys were so amazing seperately, i couldnt begin to amagine how wonderful it would be to have both of them together. it sometimes crossed my mind that if there was a way to combine them i would have the perfect man.
my yin-a sweet, light, blonde hippie who craved fun, experience and (mostly) light drugs. he never pushed me, challenged me. he was such a believer in the idea of just be. he was a painter. we had wild sex, everywhere. we broke into abandoned houses and amagined how the people lived. he never noticed if i gained or lost weight-he just thought i was beautiful all the time. my years with him went by in a hazy, phychedelic blur. we started in las vegas and ended up in tiny town, ohio. we were each others first love, and we grew into young adulthood together. he was my siamese twin, more like my brother than my boyfriend. we looked alike, had the same taste in everything, except for his growing unhealthy taste for alcohol. if there is a "soul-mate" he was mine. even though we havnt spoken in about eight years, i still think of him almost every day. i miss him, always...
my yang-dark, wickedly funny and charasmatic-he pushed me always to my limits. he wanted me to think, to challenge myself. he was a teacher. he could turn from sweet to scary and back again in moments. he is the most complicated relationship i have ever known, but always worth it. he was a musician and a writer. we lived on welfare and hard drugs in northern california. we played lots of games; some innocent, some not so much-with each other, with our minds. we had nothing literally but each other for time and it created a close connection. he helped me to understand myself, to believe in myself. we had an explosive ending, but he left me a stronger, smarter person than when we met. after seven years, we have started talking again and i consider it a blessing because he is still a teacher to me and now-a good friend. (still knows how to push my buttons...:)
i was with these two people back to back, and i guess thats what got me thinking how they are like the yin/yang for me. so completely different from each other, but both so special to me. the bottom line is they both knew me, really knew me and accepted me as is which i now know is very rare. i consider myself a very lucky girl indeed to have spent time with two such unique, special men. i really hope to be that lucky in love again someday.

attack of the killer southern family...(help me...)

so, i have been in florida for one week (almost) and i have had to come to some unpleasant realizations about my obnoxious "southern side" of the family. not pretty, not fun. and really, i do everything in my power to keep the attitude live and let live. but as i cocoon (see last blog) its hard to not lose it when im being harrassed because i wont get up and go out for BBQ at nine AM!!!
my grandma is really okay on her own-its only when her son and his "common-law" wife (their words, not mine) come around. then suddenly im too quiet, too much of a loner, ect. i dont have the bad manners required to say, "its because i dont like you." tonight, over another round of BBQ, my "uncle" acually says to me, in front of everyone, "you're really aint that bright, idnt ya?" my jaw could have broken on the table when it hit. have you ever seen king of the hill? you know the one neighbor that talks like-
"hehankwhatsyoubeendoint'day,i'sbeenovertattabar,nimfixnd'gofishin.."
yes friends and strangers, that is my "uncle." he thinks im "not that bright" because every time he says something i have to say what? at least twice! (and i always had this dreamy kind of notion of my southern relations-i have never spent any time with them as an adult)
his "wife" wears a BIG, gold and cz ring on EACH finger, of both hands. and does nothing but giggle stupidly and encourage his behavior which includes driving dangerously, honking at strangers to scare them, terrifying waitresses (that poor girl at perkins will NEVER recover,) and making fun of anything that anyone says. I HATE people like this. and i dont give a goddamn who they are. and there is only one way to deal with people like this without stooping to their level, and that is to completely ignore them. most of these offenders have dealt with that tactic, so they are very sneaky in their attempts to fuck with you. and he has been working on me for two days straight. i swear on everything-if i had not been sitting next to my sweet mom tonight at dinner i would have told him to go fuck himself and walked home. i was that angry. enstead, somehow i managed to say, "well, we all have opinions of each other, dont we?" i told my mom after dinner that if her "brother" didnt watch his mouth, i would give him something to talk about for the next fucking year. i promised myself something after my dad died, and that was i would NEVER put up with anything, from anyone, for any reason again unless i was cool with it. whew...
i really had to blow off the steam.
tomorow i go to meet my "cousin." :)

finding your inner x-man

so, before i left the tour my roommates and i, and another guy jeff were all working on the discovery of our inner x-man. i recommend this for everyone just because its fun to do. you figure out your name and your power. carissa is randomnessa-she has an insane amount of random knowledge on everything that she brings up at random times for no particular reason. (do you remember the adams family episode where wednesday does the watoosee? carissa does)
jeff is neurotico-he has moments of extreme neurosis and has the inane ability to pull others into it with him so they will be uncomfortable, relieving the pressure on himself. (a handy trick to have when surrounded by talented actor/dancers)
trevor we kept going around on trying to find the right name for (lovable) obsessive-compulsive. (carissa and i joked we could just throw all of our stuff in the bathroom and come back to find it magically transformed in to PERFECT organization.) i suggested compulsor which while admittedly weak was ruthlessly shot down. i later also suggested chrysalis because of trevors quiet nature, that suddenly blossoms onstage. i dont think it took...
i was given the name dialecta because of my weird tendancy to naturally adopt the accent and way of phrasing for wherever we are at (including other countries!) ever seen "fargo?", "oh, yea" :)
i acually think im more like the chrysalis, with my ever-changing life. i have not had more than a year and a half of stability since i was 13. (and i mean BIG overhauls, not just moving across town) the nice thing is im starting to really appreciate my weirdo life enstead of feeling victimized by it. i see that im really a lucky girl, because even though nothing lasts for me i have gotten to experience SOOO much for the length of my life. i have had a lot of love, fun, craziness, bad times, good times-and i experienced them all over the world! i have accepted, this is the way it will be and i will roll with it. enstead of being sad for what i lose, i have learned to just feel the gratitude for what i got from it. the only thing that never changes is my faith in the universe, and my love.
its a rock-thats my inner x-man.

the agony, the ecstacy (or-where did my job go?)

so, i wouldnt say that i lost my job. i would say that my company is going through financial reconstruction, and someone up the food chain said massage therapy is a luxury-not a necessity. i will go on
(dramatic sniff)
its kind of funny acually because i having been feeling "over it" as i have mentioned. and the company is big on taking care of their employees so i have a nice severance, and i can begin collecting unemployment right away. the tour was due to end in two months anyway. ive already gotten all the good out of it.
but, its still a bit hard. jobs, just like relationships-its always better to be the one who walks away. everyone was so great when i left. at the end of the show my last night everyone in the cast knew where i was sitting and after bows they all waved at me and blew me kisses in the audience.
(sigh...)
i will miss those guys-even the frog. at the airport i couldnt stop crying because it was so weird to be at an airport without 40some other people. it can be fun traveling with that many people-people think you are in a cult. :)
but, anyways...now im in florida with my family and i already have another job (if i want it.) yesterday i went to sanibel island. they have a wildlife rehab place there i have been in touch with and i spent the day there working and was offered a job starting mid-feb.
i could do it. its a lot of hard work, but the baby sqirrels and skunks are so cute! they give you an apt. to live in and a stipend to live on. basically its one of those things you just do for the love of it. i have this romantic idea of myself working on the island, being very stoic-a loner. getting really lean and really tan from being outside all the time. its something new-we will see. i have some time to decide. right now im just isolating at grandma's, licking my wounds and figuring out my next move. i will be back in las vegas, and cheers in one week. who knew?

one sick kitty...

so, im sick. and not just the snivels...fullout sinus-infection-headcold-bodyaches-quitsmokingsweats sick. the kind of sick you dont want to be when you are in a hotel with two roomates and the nearest available food is from a sandwich shop called roly poly(no kidding.)
i have already ordered two ten dollar movies from my tv because i have finished my book and i cant look at my hotel popcorn ceiling ANYMORE. i would get dressed and venture out for a "sick walk" (the slow shuffle you take around the block in your sweats because you MUST get out of the house if only for a few minutes) however-unlike a regular job where there is very little chance of running into a co-worker or your boss after calling in sick, i travel in a pack of close to fifty people. they are all in this hotel. thats fifty chances to hear, "hey, i thought you were sick..."
there is so much pressure in my head the backs of my eyes hurt. i feel like a five year old who just wants to be sent home from school. unfortunately, my home is a minimum 4 hour flight away. oh well, i guess i will just die here. this is what you get for quitting smoking. everybody remember jerry garcia? they swore he died because he tried to clean up but his body was just so used to the drugs. he went into shock and DIED! (and they say ciggs kill) im ready to kill the person who invented the popcorn ceiling. at least i understand why i have been feeling down this week. i hope the end is painless and comes quickly....
just kidding-enstead i will be left with a nagging, painful cough that will linger for a few weeks and life will go on. sigh....
sickness allows you to be dramatic, right?

healthier days 

feels like falling...

so, im not really sure whats going on with me right now. its one of those days. BLECH! when i look at this pic of the arch (taken at the base of one side) it makes me feel unstable on my feet. i remember how i felt standing at the base of it-it felt like falling. im not happy today. ive been on edge for the last few days. the person who sits on the bus in front of me has a gigantic stuffed frog that he bought to sleep on, but he gets tired of it taking up his space so he drapes it over the back so its staring at me. this doesnt sound like a big deal but when you are on the bus for 5-8 hours a day and your living space for that entire time EVERY DAY is about 2 1/2 feet squared it becomes a big fucking deal. im already having visions of myself flipping out, screaming "get that fucking frog out of my goddamned face!" which when you put it in writing, well-there is no way around it, just sounds plain crazy. i have acually poked this frog in its plastic eye with a heart full of evil thoughts. this is what tour will do to a (relatively) sane girl. i will be so happy next week. i get a one week reprieve when i will go to florida to be with mom and g-ma. no bus, no show, no (platonically)sleeping with a man every third night. just kidding, he is acually one thing that keeps me happy here when i feel like im slipping. plus he is wickedly funny. for the most part its good, but then there are the times when i feel lonely, i miss las vegas, i miss having stability. it would be nice to have a boyfriend again someday! i refuse to date anyone im on tour with-i have seen the fallout that creates. its like trying to get to know someone and start something on big brother-its everyones business. no thank you....
little things get difficult-finding food. when you live in a hotel you have to eat out every meal which gets old and expensive. im almost tired of drinking almost every night (this is just to get out of the fucking hotel room)
im just bitching now....
this is payback time for every good thing that happened last year.

st louis arch 

the coolest girl...

so, this is my super-special friend jess. she has been known as messy jessie, and most recently as not-so-smooth-jessie. (this is because of her inclination to say or do the wrong thing at the wrong moment. you would think she is a sagittarius!) however this only makes her more endearing. she has many incredible quirks. most notable is the way she screws up any cliche-life is a box of cherries, two pods in a pea, diamonds in the rust. also, the random way she will sometimes respond to something. a few summers ago i had a really bad bite from being out at the lake. i told her i was worried about west nile virus. her response-"my friend got the west nile virus, and all i got was this lousy teeshirt." she is in every way my ultimate partner in crime because we will always indulge each other. she never questions-just accepts and loves. that is one of her most special gifts. she has helped me in so many ways and very often is my voice of reason. somehow with the crazy things that come out of her mouth, she has stopped me many times from making a complete ass of myself. she is an artist, very talented. she is a teacher, literally. she is also very, very funny. and i know she always has my back. my life is so much better because of her and i love her with my whole heart.

my partner in crime, always 

when in south dakota...

so, i think its kind of ironic that yesterday i posted stonehenge and today i ended up going to mount rushmore (the american answer to doing something special with rocks.) i was acually more impressed with this i have to say. but i come out of the whole experience realizing that i dont pay enough attention to detail. i am truly a girl with her head in the clouds. without looking at the photo right now i couldnt say off the top of my head who the four men are. lets see....
lincoln, washington, um....ben franklin? aaaaaaand.....okay-stumped. hang on....
sadly, i just checked the photo and i still cant say who the other guy is. jefferson? this, after spending two hours there and going through the museum! i would be a horrible investigator-even though i think its the coolest job ever! i DID learn that it was concieved in 1923 by some guy hoping to increase tourism and revenue for s. dakota. i guess its working. they charged our bus $25 to park!!! happy first friday everyone! (go get em' jess)

rushmore 

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