Tuesday, June 10, 2008

blessings

the perfection with which the universe works astounds me. my entire being is nothing but gratitude in this moment. i needed this-all of it. i needed to be bitch-slapped by the universe; like no one's business. i needed to go through a season of anger, a season of darkness-sadness, and now i find myself almost inexplicably entering a time of bliss, thankfullness. im not too cool, im not above taking the lesson.

i told them i was indifferent. but im not, and i never was...

Saturday, June 07, 2008

a few words on alcohol

sunday morning, 11:45 am, albuquerque nm-i decide to pop into 7-11 to grab a six pack. not because i plan on spending my sunday afternoon drinking-i don't. i will in fact be spending the afternoon working on a dreaded paper for school. however i know several hours from now i will very much enjoy a frosty beer after the completion of aforementioned dreaded paper and i would like to just get the beer now. except i forget for moment that not everywhere is like my sweet hometown and there is a lock on the case at 7-11. (for vegas peoples-its a weird sunday thing where you cannot buy any drink before noon-quite odd.)this is fine. i consider leaving but i figure its only a few minutes-not a big deal. i station myself at the magazine rack with an issue of 'Shape' magazine which is an irony considering the last time i did a sit-up i might have been wearing bonniebell lip-smackers-its been a bit-and that i was using it to kill time while waiting for booze. whatev.

as noon approaches a few wizened alchies wander in. i have no judgement whatsoever of alcoholics-none. life has the ability to be shitty to the extreme and if a fellow human has chosen to self-medicate with the last legal mind-altering substance that can be readily purchased at your corner market, who in the fuck am i to judge them. i just wish the counter clerk asshole cunt-bitches felt the same way. anyone reading this knows im pretty mellow, not a whole lot really fluffs my feathers. but if there's one thing i REALLY dont like its judgemental people. so, the two squawky bitches behind the counter start saying things like-im so glad i don't drink. its so sad. yadda, yadda, yadda... im very purposefully ignoring them. so finally noon hits and me (and three old alchy men) grab our poisons of choice and head for the counters. the one woman is literally shaking her head (in the way that only self-righteous fucking fools can) and saying again "oooh, im sooo glad im not a drinker..." i take a deep breath and in the spirit of feather-ruffling say in my sweetest voice, "im from vegas, its so weird to be in place where they have this silly 12pm sunday rule." to which the two woman huffily ride their high horses talking about our states crazy amount of dwi numbers. (i cant argue that point obviously.) but i do ask them if they really think that not selling booze until noon is really going to take care of that problem. stammer, stammer-and then-"well, they should just go back to not selling it on sundays at all." by this point the three wise men were intently watching this little back and forth. i actually laughed out loud and the older clerk did not like that one bit. i gave her a huge smile and said, "yeah-that will solve all the problems, huh? then maybe everyone will stop drinking and driving!"

the problem in this state is that everyone believes that drinking automatically means drinking&driving. i will state it now for the record-the system worked for me. i will never drink and drive again. i look at my arrest as being one of the greatest gifts of my life because it gave me a second chance not to ruin my life. i have learned so much from this experience-it has been life changing. i always thought i was a "fantastic drunk driver." now i know i didn't know shit about what i was doing and im just so fucking grateful that i never hurt anyone, never hurt myself (other than the unfortunate run-in my face had with the pavement that one time...) im walking on air the last couple weeks practically feeling like i won the lottery because i got popped in a checkpoint. (rather than slamming into someone and killing them.) my dear friend gave me the fateful message after her arrest a few years back "you never think its going to happen to you-until it does." what i realized is that that message can just as easily relate to an alcohol-related accident!!! the problem is with that, you're not getting out jail the next day. you're staying. soooo, i will be drinking at home. and im totally fine with that. and when the occasion calls for it i will make sure i have cab fare, or a designated driver. or i will walk my ass home. but i will never drink and drive again. HOWEVER.....

i do not need nor appreciate judgement at my 7-11. i dont think the other guys really appreciated it either. there was a great line from a movie where a cop was asking a victim of a crime (who also happened to be an alchy) whether anyone from her AA meetings would want to hurt her. to which she replied, "we're alcoholics. we are generally happy just to hurt ourselves." so true, so true. i think judgement fits in there as well. honestly, why dont we all just judge ourselves (and maybe the people we are the closest to HAHAHA) but leave others the fuck alone! for the record, i dont consider myself an alchy, just a lady who enjoys the sauce. i dont use it for "punish" or hurt myself the way i have witnessed many alchies do. it just makes me so angry that people automatically link alcohol sale laws with dwi rates. the problem is not the alcohol per say, but rather the need for education, public transportation, quality mental healthcare, etc. if a drunk is a drunk why not use some of the millions in revenue the city recieves from dwi related fines to provide accessible free transport? if they are so fucking worried about how many lives will be lost this summer why dont they take a fraction of the money that will be used to run "the 100 nights of summer" (a sting-op throughout the summer of random dwi checkpoints all over the city every night) and use it to subsidize city-cabs that will run people home from the bars???? it is a mystery to me when there are so many possible solutions available. for the record-the three men making their purchases all were on foot, and i blew into a tube to start my vehicle so all of the huffy indignance was wasted. sadly...

Sunday, April 27, 2008

vegas-tinted glasses

means the way i feel when im there. not when i live there by any means, but how i feel when i visit. the happy nostalgia that overcomes me. the beauty of my friends. the appreciation of bartenders who remember me no matter how long im away. the bittersweetness of seeing my mom.

jessie, who is thoughtful enough to have beer in her fridge for my arrival yet abtract enough to simply not own a bottle opener. (even more abstract, the way she comes out of her room offering me a hammer when i ask if she has ANYthing i can use-and she is not even being ironic.) my girl turned 30 and it was so good to be there for that. and now i know i can open a beer bottle with a fork...mich, who gets more beautiful every year she comes into her own power. the transformation of a decade has been incredible. she is still so damn silly though and thats a wonderful thing. she will do a downward dog anyplace, anytime and that rocks. (its yoga-reffic.) zac is back, nikki hasnt moved, and nicole is currently single which meant we all got spend a lot of quality time together. its five of us girls and zac which can be kind of funny. like the night at champagnes when the weird guy kept looking over at zac with a questioning look on his face like "how the hell...?" he's got it sooo good. and he knows it! i spent a day with my mom and we went to the natural history museum which is crummy by other cities standards but still gives me fuzzy childhood feelings. then my mom tells me she hasnt cruised the strip since before i was born so starting downtown we drive the entire length of it. i think she was shocked. most people don't realize that a lot people who live in vegas will see more of "VEGAS" on tv, rather than in person. unless you are an impersonator or one of those crazy cirque people in which case your job drags you there nightly. i had been feeling blue when i arrived and the closeness of our small clan helped wash away bad feelings i have been carrying for months. i feel much lighter and happier now. ready to take on the next round.

Monday, March 17, 2008

80 to 0 like a car accident

my community service is bullshit! i went with an open mind-fully believing on a cosmic level i DO deserve this, and that i will get some meaningful experience out of it. yeah. so i show up at which point i realize-this isn’t a womens shelter-its an everybody shelter. (if everybody just woke up and said "i dont feel like doing jack-shit anymore so im not gonna!!!") these people were assholes. they sat around being worthless and watching me while i hauled their shit around, cleaned up after them... i kills me that the taxes i pay help to support them sitting around doing (cannot stress it enough) absolutely nothing while im there supposedly paying for something i did wrong. i was told-actually told-i needed to check myself for lice in the coming days for being in contact with their bedding. why you ask? because these people get clean sheets every day, three meals, entertainment, etc... i lived in a similar situation when i was fourteen and we did EVERYTHING for ourselves-cooking, cleaning, laundry-everything. to make matters better HA! the radio in the laundry roon was set to some bullshit christian radio station. i asked to change it and got ALL kinds of attitude for even suggesting that a secular radio station might be a better choice. the whole place is "crazy christian" and guess when i go back? next sunday-EASTER SUNDAY! i can only imagine... im exhausted because for ten days my schedule goes a little something like this-comm service, work/school, interlock/work, work/school, probation officer/work, work, work, comm service, work/school, comm service. shoot me... i go get the interlock installed tommorrow and someone thought i should go hang out tonight since its st. patricks. sounds like fun-sure. im weirded out by having to actually go see a probabtion officer. i feel like lady (from lady and the tramp) when she ends up in the shelter. like-how did this all happen? oh yeah...cause i was stupid. with the ways things are going i will surely end up with the lice. its going to be a long year...

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

grateful

late last night we heard him meow outside the window we left open. tucker is back, safe and sound. gone for two days and almost two nights...

amazing. i know a lot of people are like "wow. duh. cats come home." well, not in my experience and especially not indoor cats. they usually become so afraid once they are outside that they end up hiding, literally paralyzed with fear to the point that even if they hear you calling their instincts will hold them in their hiding spot. we are lucky. tucker is not a nuerotic cat, so thankfully he was brave enough to come back out from wherever he was at. im just so happy. he is part of our family and it wasn't the same without him.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

kitty karma

wtf!?!?! i think i am cursed...

red-mysterious dissapearance, baby-feline leukemia, calico-weird wasting disease,shalla-bal-car accident, branford-dissapeared, thomas-failure to thrive, karma(oh my sweetest little furball)-dog attack IN MY BACKYARD! as in two dogs jumped into my backyard and attacked and killed a gimpy cat that couldnt get away and didnt know to be scared of them.

i have had one damn cat that actually died of old age and natural causes. tucker still isnt home. i kept dreaming of him all night. its amazing how no matter what steps i take to protect my cats as i learn about the horrors that befall them-i still cannot seem to keep them safe. and this is why i am NEVER EVER having children. when karma was killed i cried like i would never get over it. i ached physically from the amount of emotional pain i felt over this animal-my constant companion for eight years.and then a few months later a tiny healthy replica of him ran into my front door. i thanked the universe and we named him tucker after the way he would do this little stevie wonder move and tuck his head into us-with total trust, total love.

just once-i want the miracle. im sick of dead or dissapeared cats. i just want him to come home.

Monday, March 03, 2008

worst possible day ever

i pleaded out. my lawyer said i didnt have much of a chance without witnesses and that even then it would be iffy. so im in the first offenders program. community service, fines, victims panel, dwi school, interlock for one year. so we are selling the batmobile-the coolest car i have ever driven-so that i can get a junker to put the interlock in. its not the end of the world. but you know what really almost is? coming home from court and finding my beloved cat tucker gone. he got out somehow and he is gone, gone, gone. i am devastated. he has a microchip so there is some hope. but he is also an indoor only cat with no experience around cars, dogs, strangers... im struck dumb by the amount of sadness i feel right now.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

ten things

1. socks. for the last ten years i have worn nothing but black socks. once a year i would buy several pairs of the same style black socks. i told myself that it just made doing laundry easier. recently i looked down and realized im really over my plain black socks. so this past weekend i went and bought a bunch of bright, crazy design socks. its a small thing, but when i looked down today and saw big pink fishes swimming over my ankles it made me happy. its making me look at all of the "black socks" in my life. like, maybe there are other things i would like to change...

2. i have a new job. since i have been doing massage for the last 6-7 years its a little nerve-wracking to be suddenly in a different field. where im insecure and i do not know what im doing. its good for me though. i used to work in veterinary care before i got into massage, and i had forgotten how much i enjoy spending my days with animals. my wrists and lower back keep cooing "thank you" to me so i think this is a good thing.

3. im staying in. i have no desire to do anything!!! and i don't care. and i dont want to make excuses for it. i am fully enjoying staying in with my honey and the cats. im drinking a little less and generally just feeling happier. and for once i dont feel like i may be "missing something."

4. tracy. she is moving in and im so happy because she is amazing. she is everything i look for in a friend. she is funny, honest, weird, real, beautiful heart, easy to talk to, and she gets me. the first time i talked to her for a bit i thought to myself-"i want to know that person my whole life." and thats rare. she is the best friend i have made here and its going to suck-ass when she leaves. we might just have to keep her prisoner... (creepy diabolical laughter)

5. im sick and i never get sick, so thats bullshit. i got this mutant virus that somehow penetrated my crazily strong health from sean, the guy im replacing at my new job. he trained me and left me a parting gift. thanks sean!

6. i will eat a bowl of john's meat any day! john's meat is delicious!!!

7. i have court on monday. and i think i have made peace with the whole thing. i mean i obviously do not want to be found guilty and go through all the crap that follows. BUT-if i am found guilty i would deserve whatever i get. i may not have been guilty that night, but i have been guilty many nights in my life of various things. so if i am found guilty i will accept it with grace and humility. i will say thank you as if i am accepting a lifetime achievement award. (which in a way i could look at it as a reward for a lifetime of less than stellar behavior.) lets face it-im not innocent. i have done many bad things and just never been caught. irregardless-the lesson has been learned. i will never drink and drive again. ever.

8. shan and i either need to lose weight or get a bigger bed, NOW! its getting ridiculous. i tell her we have gained a nicole ritchie between us PLUS three cats. we have become middle-of-the-night combatants. "i am RIGHT on the edge here." "scoot over!!!" there are violent blanket tuggings. we act like two people in a bunker trying to survive the night instead of what we should be-two girls getting much-needed sleepy time. (i must say a great deal of blame needs to be placed right at the paws of three very spoiled felines who usually insist on stretching out sideways across the bed to maximum body length. i have shoved at them with blanketed feet, cursing quietly in the dark. but, they are rocks. i am powerless to move them once they have pinned my legs.)

9. i love entertainment. i will not trash talk my tv. i am not one of the people that will say "oh, i never watch tv." i do not feel i am wasting my time, nor do i feel im just burning up brain cells. i love to read, i love movies, and i love my tv. i can watch it all day and not feel guilty. know what else i like? entertainment magazines. i WANT to know what jen garner is eating, or what color nail polish erykah badu is wearing-shamelessly. i love del taco. its my favorite food. i could eat it every single day and never think-"oh this is bad." in fact i have, for almost a year once-almost every day. i have been known to talk to my plants (well almost any inanimate object that i come in contact with can expect to be addressed by me.) i sing to my cats (and dance with them sometimes.) i dont brush my teeth before i go to bed, so what? i do not lay awake worrying about tooth decay or minty breath. i dont think i have the guilt gene.

10. im feeling happy right now. more peaceful than i have felt in a long time. the dwi really messed with my head and then the situation at my last job... it was just like everything turned to shit in a heartbeat. and its been a long climb back up since then. the great irony was literally the day before my arrest i was telling shan how wonderful life was, how everything was perfect. i learned another lesson-do not proclaim your happiness and good fortune too loudly for you are sure to receive the bitch-slap from the universe shortly thereafter. so i will just say quietly, "i am happy."

Thursday, February 07, 2008

wishbone

under my left nostril, above my lip is a tiny scar. and if you look closely, under my left eye there is a spot that always looks a little sooty. as if my mascara has run a tiny bit. the worlds tiniest black tear.

the time:halloween 2005, the place:the doubledown saloon. i adore the doubledown, sincerely. and its a great place on halloween-all the freaks at play. but at that point, at that very moment in my life almost to the second, i had become the proverbial car that had lost its brakes on a curvy road. i had just recently returned from montana where i had fled to from vegas after a particularly nasty drug bender. after close to 48 hrs i was told, "it's not funny anymore." this, as i sat on a crate at 11am in the alley directly behind the doubledown on a friday in broad daylight wearing a black, beaded cocktail dress (from the show i had seen the night before) and a dirty blue mechanics shirt that my friend had given me because i was freezing. i had ran all over town for a day and a night. i made friends with strangers, gave them my drugs, smacked them around. early in the morning it was just jesse, me and the bartender. but jesse, in his fashion soon dissapeared with a girl leaving me only his shirt, his car keys and the last of his blow. hours passed in a stupor. at one point i even tried to take his car and leave. as i sat there waiting to pull into midday traffic right off paradise, i, for once, listened to the the voice that said no. i threw his car in reverse and left it in the middle of the parking lot. finally at some point in the late afternoon i was rescued, given haven for some much needed sleep. only to wake up friday night at 10:30 with seventeen messages on my phone from jesse about me having his keys and his car being parked directly in the middle of the doubledown parking lot. not so great on a friday night. after cleaning up my mess and finally getting home i slept for about fourteen hours, called my boss, and drove from vegas like i was being chased by the mob. i retreated to the comfort and calm of a friend in montana with no set time of return. i ate healthy meals, i slept, i walked and i got my head back on straight. all of my craziness was taking place during a time i was also doing 4-8 hours of massage a day so to say i was sucked dry would have been a grave understatement. "running on empty" doesnt even come close. so montana was a blessing-i didn't want to be a total fuckup (just the normal kind.) and i thought my head was straight until i returned, whereupon i immediately got back up to my old tricks. and as my friend had warned me, "it wasnt funny anymore...."

such a silly thing, completely undramatic. two friends, drunk rolling around in the doubledown parking lot playfighting. i walked over to them, leaned over to ask what they were doing. and they rolled into me. not intentionally, just in the way drunk people do without regard to spatial thought. and for reasons i will never understand my hands didnt go out in front of me. my legs went out from under me and my two little traitorous appendages did not stop my face from smashing into the concrete. (as if i hadnt made enough of a jackass of myself a few weeks earlier in that same lot...) i sat up very fast, as if i pretended i was okay then somehow it would be. but then betsy looked at me and made a funny noise. i waved my now reanimated hands, "no, no, im fine..." but my face felt funny. i put my hand to my face and like a stagetrick it came back covered in blood. then i felt for my teeth. i still thank every possible god or spirit in the universe for sparing me my teeth since i had no dental plan and it would probably have been very hard to do my job in the fancypants place i worked with broken teeth. however, the entire left side of my face was fucked. i had literally split the skin under my eye from corner to corner and the skin under my nose was shredded. i was quickly covered in blood but since it was halloween, funnily enough, no one even noticed. my makeup ran into the open split under my eye where a teeny bit remains to this day. if there are words to describe the feeling in this moment for me, i have yet to find them. but just to throw something out there let's say "abject horror."

my sweet, sweet friend betsy stayed with me for almost 24 hours. she took me home and nursed me the best she could. she held my hand and let me cry it out the next morning as i woke to my new face. she took me to eat and made jokes to break the tension since i was being looked at like a domestic case. it was awful. and i was pretty certain i had broken bones around my eye but it was so swollen it was impossible to tell. i had to take several more weeks off work to allow all the swelling and bruising to go down enough to be presentable. (im actually still fucking amazed i didn't lose that job.) in the end, there were no broken bones. just me looking pretty damn freaky there for a bit since one side of my face was untouched and the other side looked like train wreck. and that's literally when shan came into my life. we recognized each other. she saw past it all. past my fucked-upness, saw my heart. we were both kind of falling at that moment in time, and somehow we caught each other. that's why i feel so lucky.

somehow, the mangled mess under my nose healed into a perfect, tiny scar the shape of a wishbone. which is still a beautiful irony to me, because if i ever had one wish it was to find real love that lasts. if you see me touching it, as i often do, you will know that im remembering the moment in time something horrible turned into a gift.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Viva Las Vegas!!!!!!

This night started out the way most amazing Vegas nights do, completely by chance and accident. It's really hard to MAKE an incredible night happen anywhere, and Vegas seems to be especially stubborn in this regard. It either happens or it doesn't-and oh wow, did it…it started with anger and confusion (another thing synonymous with Vegas.)

Just when things were looking doomed, I asked Jessie-my all-time, superhero, star partner in crime if she trusted me. She said yes of course, so I told her to take a left and head to Main St. at which point we immediately ran into the Golden Nugget because apparently I have already forgotten my way around downtown. So, after going around the nugget we headed for Main and took a right.

I should preface this with a few things. The first being I grew up in the heart of downtown Las Vegas-literally. (Some jackass kid yelled something snide at me earlier in the week about "it being my first time to Vegas" when she came upon me staring lovingly at the Plaza. It took all of my adult willpower not to grab her by her ratty hair and smack her a few times.) I have a definitive love and appreciation for downtown, old Vegas. It's in my blood, going all the way back to my grandparents on both sides. Grandpa on my dads' side moved there when Vegas started booming, in the early 40's I believe. He bought a lot of real estate and built a name for himself in town. On my mom's side, my great-grandmother left an alcoholic husband in Ohio and moved her entire family west. They stopped to spend a few days there and never left. Her son, my grandpa became the fire chief for the city for many years till he moved to Florida. I have cool old jacketed pictures of my family having dinner at the Mint-when a photographer would come by your table, take your picture, and present it to you at the conclusion of your meal. When I was a teenager I used to wear this cheap drugstore perfume called "downtown girl." The guys I hung out teased me but it smelled great and my boyfriend loved it. Sadly, it was discontinued or I would probably still be wearing it. The point is I WAS a downtown girl. Some kids are mallrats, some rink rats-I was a Fremont-rat. I would ditch school, or sneak out at night and walk over to downtown. No one ever bothered me-not once. I found niches, places I could go and be alone in the middle of everything. I love Vegas dearly; it pains me to be there because it's a place full of ghosts for me now. But once in a great while, when it's meant to be, you can be rewarded with such a night there it's unreal.

I had Jess pull into the Golden Gate casino. It is the oldest hotel casino in Las Vegas with a rich history. They had the first telephone in the city installed there. The phone number was literally 1. The place is beautiful with all dark wood and huge old pics of baby Vegas on the walls. The original rooms are still in operation, and they have a $.99 shrimp cocktail bar that has won awards every year forever. There is a piano in the bar area so you can listen to things such as "Wind Beneath My Wings" and "Mama Told Me Not To Come" while you eat your shrimp. Truly amazing. However at that point we were only interested in the most convenient parking with access to Fremont. And GG is the best. For a buck you can easily valet, walk through and be at the top of Fremont St.

I steered us to the Plaza first. Another interesting old Vegas place. Several parts of the movie Casino were filmed there. On the second floor they had a really cool restaurant that looks all the way down the strip called the Center Stage that was quite the sweet, fancy place. Now it's called the Dome (or the dumb-as I have been thinking it) in an assumed attempt to modernize it and capitalize on the growing trend of downtown hotspots. (The only true "hotspot" with any merit in my humble opinion is the Griffin which is such a magical, great place you feel like you are in a European dungeon bar.)

We went to the 16th floor. The plaza is shaped basically as a Y, leaving the elevator and going to any of the termination points will bring you to a door marked (nonsensically) exit. Don't worry, the alarm wont go off-I promise. What you get is a tiny strip with a wee railing and an incredible view. It's so quiet up there all you really hear is an electrical hum from all the neon and the occasional drunken shout. I used to go there all the time when I needed or wanted to be alone as a teenager. I would sit Indian style and smoke one cigarette after another and listen to the hum of the city till I felt calm enough to go down. Jess was a little freaked by the height (and lack of anything really holding you in) but as soon as she sat down she heard the hum. Then we walked around the third floor which is so quiet and empty it's freaky. I showed her the old beauty parlor that I always wanted to go to, and told her about the great arcade they used to have. There were several pinball machines, including bride of pinbot and rollergames, where I would spend several stoned hours. (Yes-I was a pinball geek.) After leaving the Plaza we headed over to the La Bayou where I insisted on us buying one of those crazy two foot tall drinks. I think we got the hurricane and "for only one dollar more" the extra rum shot. It tasted like candy-yummy. We hit the streets once more. As we passed the Glitter Gulch, Jess reminded me as she always does about the time we went there with her ex and I was offered a job. It's also like how when we are together almost inevitably the "Doors" will start playing and she doesn't have to say anything, she just starts laughing at me. That's for when I had the two-night stand with the Jim Morrison impersonator. We definitely have ALL the dirt on each other. We went into the Golden Nugget which has the most amazing pool. They built a shark tank with a pool around it and there is a water slide that goes through the tank! At this point it started to rain, which is interesting for the simple fact it hardly EVER rains in Las Vegas. And it was a nice, soft rain. The kind that makes things seem dreamy and romantic. We hung out at the pool for awhile then headed back out to the street. I showed her the El Portal Indian Goods store where I bought my second cactus (my first being a gift from the flea market when I was sixteen that died as soon as I married after years of healthy thriving. Hmmmm…) the El Portal is also my second favorite gift shop after the World's Largest Gift Shop (that's its name) on Sahara and LV Blvd. We talked about Binions Horseshoe we passed it. They used to have a huge clear case of money with a giant horseshoe around it that for a few bucks you could stand in front of and get a black and white photo. It was funny because her parents have one of those photos, and when my hippieloverboy first got to Vegas after hitching cross country one of the first things he did was go in there and get one of those pics. I was 16 and wouldn't meet him for another several months, but I remember when he gave me that picture of himself. Binions also has a mechanical bull which we both rode during a 13 bars of Christmas bar crawl, but that's another story. We decided against taking another go at it since we had literally been there, done that, and got the tee-shirts to prove it already. By this point Jess was starting to freeze as she tends to be very sensitive to the elements. She needs a permanent heat lamp installed above her head.

It sounds too funny to be true but when we walked into the Fitzgerald's so we could warm up for a minute we took to the first seat inside the door which happened to be the huge wheel of fortune game. Ironic. We sat there for about an hour talking about life, sipping our colossal "tourist drink" as we had taken to calling it. I told her the riddle of the Fitzgerald. Its weird, I did this twice when I was a teenager, but it's like trying to find cathedral canyon-good luck unless you've done it several times and tattooed a map on your body. Puzzles within puzzles, anyone who has been in the underbelly of a casino knows this. If you take a certain elevator, get off at a certain floor, take a right, go to either the 2nd or 3rd door on the right (unmarked of course) go in and take the door to the left you will be rewarded with a stair case that takes you directly to the roof with which you get an incredible view all over the valley. It's like a video game to find it though, I swear. And so you understand-these were in the days before they had clubs on roofs, when the only way you got views like that was paying for a penthouse suite. I still don't understand my friends and my own obsession with finding our way onto the roofs of everything possible other than some symbolic crap of wanting to rise above it all (whatever.) I think we just wanted to see what we could pull off.

Anyways, Jess and I spoke of our favorite Vegas "stuff." She is the best person to talk, to laugh with. She has so many great Vegas stories of her own. She told me how she used to live by the clock tower on the Las Vegas Club because when she was a swimmer when she was younger she could see that clock from where she trained. She told me about waking in the El Cortez with no memory of how she got there. We talked about how children can be invisible in this city and the abnormal amount of freedom it gives. We talked about our favorite places in this weird city. I have a handful of them: cathedral canyon-can't find it, can't explain it really well-it's a memorial a man built in memory of his daughter in a canyon out in the middle of the desert outside of town. You go out there at night and have the "new" person to the experience walk out fifty or so feet on a suspension bridge above pitch black-it's fucking scary and it takes some faith. Then the person who brought you will flip on the main switch flooding the huge canyon below you with light. You savor this moment. Afterwards there are stairs to walk down into it and explore. I heard recently it had been dismantled due to vandalism (so sad) but this is unconfirmed because no one can find it. The old Mormon fort just outside of downtown-wild cotton still grows there. Next door is the museum of natural history which has one incredibly cool room with nothing in it but every animal conceivable from a barn mouse to a polar bear. I could spend daaays in this room. Another middle of the desert gem is the sekmet temple, built by women as a personal place of worship. Head towards Indian springs and a few miles out of town start looking to your left. Easy to miss, hard to forget once you have walked through it. Its open air so if a desert wind is blowing it makes for an interesting vortex within. Lorenzi Park. It has a pond, a rose garden that my great grandma loved, a Las Vegas history museum, a community center where my rose-loving grandma was named grandmother of the year for the city when I was eight. Yes-it's in a "bad" neighborhood now, but don't worry about it. It's lovely. The pinball museum on Tropicana. Bonnie Springs out past Red Rock. They have an old west town, a petting zoo, a restaurant than runs along their duck pond and a hotel. The whole time I was growing up I wanted to live in a trailer out there and work in the old west town gift shop. Bonnie is a real person, a retired showgirl who put her money into creating this sanctuary for animals and people who are "being looked for" in Vegas. You can still see her daily with her walker going around and talking to her favorite animals. She is my ultimate hero. Last, but not least, Champagnes. As far as bars go this is it. Numero uno for me. Across from the Blvd Mall, it's a hole in the wall. Original red velveteen wallpaper lines the place. I have so many memories here I could write a book about it. This was a place the rat pack would stop by if they needed to get off the strip for a bit. The biggest celebrities to the lowliest old drunks have graced this place. When you go, say hello to the bartender Charlie for me. He's the best bartender anywhere and a sweet man. Champagnes is also, like Vegas, the place where anything can happen.

After the Fitz (as they have started calling it) we headed back towards the plaza. Our drink was almost toast (as were we) and we knew food was a priority before trying to get home. We went to the Las Vegas Club but were told the second floor café had closed just a few months ago. So we ended up at the classic. The Bay City Diner inside the Golden Gate. I insisted on sitting in the front by a window since it was still raining even though the hostess looked like she wanted to throw our asses out. We ate grilled cheese and I waxed poetic about my love hate relationship for the city while Jess's head rested in her crumbs on the table. Then she gave me the news-there would be no driving this night. She is a faithful and steady partner in crime but at some point everyone's head hits the wall (except mine apparently.) Though this part is a bit fuzzy I know I procured us a room in the hotel, which is another great irony. Shan and I had been there two days earlier having shrimp cocktail listening to "Here Comes Your Man" by piano (that piano man has skills), when I told her I was sad I had never stayed in the GG and that I had always wanted to. Oh, powers of manifestation.

When we got into the room the first thing I declared was that this was the room they save for the 3am drunks! Dim lighting cannot hide faded wallpaper and shabby bedspreads. From the window I could see the neon sign of the casino that looks down to valet. I ran over to the window-NO WAY was this window going to open onto the roof of the casino. But it did! And it was the only room with a window looking onto this stretch of roof. I was out the window so fast I could barely hear Jess saying she thought she might be sick. There was a ladder on the roof and for one sick second I considered pushing myself further and going to the next level of roof (visions of S Hunter Thompson dancing in my head.) But, the rain was staring to come down harder and I felt I should draw a line. I walked over to the edge and stood next to the first neon G. From my vantage I could see clear over to the strip. I thanked the city for an amazing night and all the memories that had flooded me. I crawled back in the window and scrawled pages of notes by the neon light through the window, wanting nothing to be lost when the morning came upon us.

When I finally laid my head down the backs of my eyes burned neon red. I left the window open so I could hear the rain and feel the cool breeze of my mothers hand across my back as I drifted off.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

the abbreviated history of me

i am born. i have "family" issues. i get involved in sex and drugs very young. i am sent to california to "recover." i run away for awhile at 14 and become "worse." i am a complete social disaster in an innocent way. i end up after some time living with a very crazy woman. i have a tiny period of normalcy. i finally move home to vegas. i fall in love with a beautiful hippie-punk boy who is like my siamese twin. we are together for years doing drugs, having much fun. we move to ohio. we are seperated, but he never ceases to be my phantom limb. i meet the yang to his yin. much madness insues. we run away to the lost coast. we part but this yang is still my close friend. my childhood friend is randomly murdered by a man who "hears voices." i stop doing drugs and i go to bed for a few months. i get up one morning and cut off my waist-length hair and start living again. i have an affair with an older man, my boss. i meet another and marry him a few months later. he turns out not to be who he advertised. i spend my days dreaming of escape. we live in prague, isolated from everything. i work with kids. they help me heal a lot of stuff just by being sweet and funny. i move back to the states. true friends i had picked up along the way help me leave him. i walk with nothing but a huge debt he racked up in my name. i go to massage school. i begin drinking. i work, i keep rolling along. i meet a "good man" who was a lot of fun, for me and apparently some other women too. i am offered a job on the road for a year. i travel the united states, canada, europe, the uk. i say a prayer at le sacre' cour, i sit in a tomb in edinburgh, i watch a sunset in santorini. i come back. i have a hard time. i feel "lost." i lean back towards my old ways. then, i meet the best person i have ever known and i fall in love. we move to abq. i sit next to her now. i feel my ghosts fading away-what was once heavy slips away like a wisp of smoke. this is what love can do. i am happy. i am blessed. i have amazing people in my life. i have no regrets. i am lucky.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

tumbleweed girl

"never was cornflake girl..."

but i sure am a tumbleweed girl. its like this thing that gets under my skin. i only have a year, two tops-in any given place before it starts. then i want to start climbing the walls. i start hearing more noises at night. and i feel it in the feet, see it in my actions. the first thing i do is get rid of a bunch of stuff. then i wait. like an animal-waiting for the instinct, the faintest scent on the wind...and then i know its time to run. or perhaps blow, for the purpose of this allusion.

i dont feel like i am running "from" anything. i only know somewhere in the back folds of my brain is an urge that says, "if you stay in one place too long, who knows what could catch up to you." i only know when it comes, every moment i wait stretches out like the sea in front of me. endless and rolling. i have been this way since i was fourteen and i first left home. i dont know if or when it will ever stop, and i havnt really tried to describe it before. but when i conjure the feeling to my mind to put it into words-all i can see is a tumbleweed. bouncing along, picking up some things, dropping others, coming to a rest here and there-then going along again.

does the tumbleweed ever stop, or does it eventually just get hung up on a piece of fencing somewhere out in the desert and completely come apart?

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

got eggs?

Last night, during another marathon session of staring at the ceiling in the dark, i was trying to think of creative ways to contribute to my home. AKA-moneymoneymoney. i remembered a few years back when i was thinking about selling my eggs to some eggless family. (for anyone feeling slow right now i am referring to baby human eggs-not baby chicken ones. no matter how bad off you are, you can always sell a pint of blood and go pick up the baby chicken kind-not so with baby human eggs.) most women have millions and they literally just go to waste month after month. i have already decided beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only am i selfish as all hell, i do not have a heart or psyche that is strong enough to withstand the pain that is possible when you grow something inside of you and then push it out and hope for the best. i weep when a plant of mine dies. then, i think about kidnappings, murderers, crazy folk that have a certain appreciation for the way a child sounds when it screams during torture. yeah. thats ugly, but its true-its out there. and i am never going to deal with it. on the flip side of that-what about the little mutants that decide one night it might be "tons of fun" to go kill the folks? you never really believe you grew yourself a mutant until they are standing over your bed with a knife, smiling. creepy, uh yes am i cynical? uh-maybe a little but i prefer to think of myself as practical. i dont like to juggle knives or play with fire either. so, in any case...if other people (crazy) want to take these chances, who am i to sway them? so here is the ad for my eggs.

EGGS FOR SALE-GET YOUR SEMI-FRESH EGGS HERE

you want these! about me-suprising good health for lifestyle-its the sturdy dutch stock in the blood. lots of hard drug use, though mostly during the teenage years when everything was still forming in my body so its okay. (well, and that little spree in my late twenties but i did a master cleanse since so it should be fine.) down to just 2 ciggerettes a day and i have recently taken up walking. with my genes you get a sensitive, artistic naturemadness, a happy social personalitydrunkard, thoughtful with attention to detailocdocdocdocdocdocd, enjoys quiet days and nights inquivering on the verge of agoraphobia. there is resilience that astounds-i once lived on pancakes and peanut butter for about four months. insomnia may be a problem but a few sips of whiskey will take care of that (wink, wink.) serious offers only please.

Monday, December 31, 2007

its the final countdown...(dadadada...dadadadada....)

here it is-months of waiting have come to this. its new years, i have to go to court on friday, and then seek new employment on monday (after my dentist appointment of course.) way to start the new year! at this rate, by years end i'll probably be in juarez making corn husk dolls to sell to tourists and living on unprepared jello. (sigh)

i wish tonight i was in vegas. with my family-my girls who i have spent so many a holiday with. there is no place like vegas, and for the bad rap i give her-it is my childhood, my life both good and terrible. both of my parents came to vegas as tiny children, my mom was only 2 i think. we still own the home my great-grandmother bought in the late 40's. its a convenient drive away from all the new downtown bars that have sprung up recently. i always say it sucked to grow up there, but maybe suck is the wrong word. it was just so different. i used to ditch jr high and go walk around fremont street. no one would ever say shit to a kid there because it was assumed your mom or dad were in a nearby casino losing your college education. where there is now massive over-development, i used to go out shooting. it was desert for miles. my dad would set out milk jugs and stuff like that and hand me the shotgun. i loved to go to bonniesprings, and red rock (not the casino.) going to lake mead might of well as been the ocean. the streets would flood during the heavy summer rains, and all the kids would go play in it. (there was even the urban legend about the one kid who got swept under a car and drowned but i don't think it was ever substaniated.) i feel so much nostalgia.

i was asked yesterday if i would ever move back and i answered 99.9% NO.

but...i have learned that life can change as quickly as you take a breath. i have lived enough lives in just 30 (ahem-31) years to know that. so i understand there are no diffinitives. and vegas will always be my home. however, if i appear to go missing for awhile feel free to stop by juarez and offer me a hot meal.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

whiskey psychosis

so, last night, our home, a wee get-together. i asked a friend to bring a small bottle of jack daniels (cause its generally rude to ask for them to bring the gallon) since our personal supply was mysteriously depleted. (as in...open cupboard, gasp, "when did all that get drrrunkend?") luckily, our friend is generous and thoughfull-she brought the biggest bottle you can purchase-about the size of a jug of milk. after a few warm up beers as i cleaned and put together a cheese and meat plate, i tucked in to the real stuff. in earnest.

this morning i realized betwixt my sweetie and my myself we drank a third of the jug. a third. i was confused upon awaking since i felt paralyzed from the waist down, "oh shit, what happened....?" it was okay...i was facedown and jeda the cat had fallen asleep across my ass, so the entire lower half of my body had fallen asleep. then i realized shan was missing...it was okay...she was passed out in the back room. but back to last night...

i had asked our sweet neighbor to come over. i really like her and had been wanting to get to know her better. but, anyone who has been around me drinking knows well my open-book syndrome and my propensity for saying SERIOUSLY inappropriate things. never meant to be harmful, im not really an asshole (except by accident.) lets just call me an idiot.

so, of course we relapsed smoking last night (cursed fucking things!) as our little party was going outside to smoke i asked her (the neighbor) if she smoked. she replied, "no, after watching my father die of lung cancer i just couldn't." to which i said, "bwa, bwa, bwaaaaaa." which doesnt translate well in writing, but its the debbie downer sound from the snl skit. i embarrased to to write this, but i actually feel like i need to call myself out here. (when i called jessie and told her this morning she gave it to me straight, "oh my god, you're an asshole!!!") i DID realize what i had done right away, and apologized profusely. she was either polite, understanding, or she just didnt catch it-so no harm done really. (but good god!!!!)

at 3am, after she was long asleep i for some reason thought putting some winter-deadened potted plants on her porch was a good idea. im sure she's very excited to take me up on the offer i made for us all to go to dinner after the first of the year....

so, final score-SHE-brought candy, hummus, and a bottle of wine. I-mocked her fathers death and left some dead plants at her door. wtg jen. good job...

Thursday, November 29, 2007

old timey psychic work

tonight i remembered this time when i was hitchhiking...i was 16 and trying to get back home from across town. i probably wouldn't do it now, but back then i hated the bus and thought everybody was full of love. so as i was getting in the truck i see written in the dust,"wash me, BOB." so after a few minutes of small talk i say quietly, "so....is your name bob?" and the guy's eyes get huge and he's asking me how i know that....

so i tell him im psychic, its a gift i was born with. and i keep the ruse going the whole way. it was kinda hilarious. i didn't feel bad because he seemed so happy by it.

flashforward years...im sitting in a bar and the guy next to me says, "hey, i can bend metal." i think of my trick and smirk to myself UNTIL he bends a coin, a small spoon, and finally my house key (yeah-at this point my mind is blown-completely.) im asking him how? how? and he tells me he was born with it.

this was no trick, no anything. he killed my own key by rubbing it between his fingers. i still have it, bent in half to remind me that things that cannot be explained exist. i left that night so happy and remembered the happiness of BOB. i think that getting a glimpse of something special, out of the everyday realm reminded me what it was like to be a kid. and that was cool.

Monday, September 03, 2007

you drink, you drive, you take it up the ass

i am innocent!!! okay, now thats out of the way-i went to the slammer, the clink, the tank, lock-up, the pokey. i spent seven hours there with prostitutes, crackheads, and a few idiots like myself who drove straight into the hands of the devil. i did the math with a few different bac calculators found online and basically for me to blew what i did on the test i would have to have had EIGHT-yes 8 screwdrivers. this is what i did have-2 beers between 6:30 and 8. then a break. then one more beer between 9 and 10. LITERALLY a fifth of another beer that was bought for me (and was inherited by a friend when i left at 10:15) by 10:30 i was in cuffs waiting. kind of amuzed, quite irritated and waiting for it to be over because i was not drunk-not by any stretch. and anyone who knows me knows just how much i can drink. then the slow, freaky realization that i wasnt going to go home. of all the nights in my life of bad choices, i had been patting myself on the back for getting out early to head home. im still in shock that i now have to go to court, lose my license, and who knows what else before its all over. and im really pissed because i cant even fight it even though the number they said i blew CANNOT be right. .13 is not possible considering what i had. and im an honest girl-i would be the first one to admit-"man, im a jackass...i was SOOOO fucked up," if i was. but, i wasnt. and now im screwed. i always thought being arrested and taken to jail would be scary, but it wasnt. it was infuriating, i was livid! i took off my cuffs while i was waiting for transport and the drunk next to me said watch that. i replied-what will they do, put them on tighter? its not my fault they are loose, plus i have had practice getting out of cuffs before. when i finally got to jail the officer couldnt work the simple tool to remove them from me so i slipped them off again and handed them to him. that got me the look, and i just shrugged. when they had me take off my boots i chucked them across the chamber i was in. i was told to watch my attitude, but i just couldnt get over the fact that i was in there. whenever i have watched cop shows i could never get over the people that resisted, always thought they were morons. now i understand the thing that wells up inside when your rights, and freedom are being taken. its not tears, not fright-its pure venemous anger. the kind that will force your body to fight even as your mind is saying-stop, dont make it worse. it has to be from fight or flight reaction. and as i have learned before, when in a corner i will always fight even when i really dont want to. worst was not being able to call shan. knowing she was worried because i told her i was on my way home. i was not allowed to make a call to her until 4am (from ten-thirty!) i told her after the fact i was glad it was me and not her that this happened to, because with all my morbid death thoughts i would surely have had a heart attack not being able to find her all those hours. (we watch too much court tv.) i will admit right now-in the past i have definately had nights i should not have driven-so has most of the population at one time or another. this was not the night. so, there is not much to do except wait and take my fate (up the ass.)

Thursday, April 12, 2007

love IS strong

i needed some time. im going to start writing again. (we made it-still in love and happy as can be. miracles.....)

Thursday, January 12, 2006

love letter

so the following was written by an anonymous six-grader-

"i want to:
find a guy who calls you beatiful instead of hot.
who calls you back when you hang up on him.
who stays awake to watch you sleep.
wait for the boy who kisses you in the forehead.
who wants to show you off to the world in your sweats.
who holds your hand in front of his hand.
who thinks you are just as pretty without makeup.
wait for the guy who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
wait for the one who turns to his friends and says:
'thats her'"

wow. when i was her age i just wanted someone-no matter how he came to me to fill some emptiness inside. i could not have expressed what it was i needed, let alone what i wanted. i hope this girl, whoever she is, stays strong in her beliefs. i hope she doesnt settle for anything less than what she has stated she deserves. i have spent more than half the time i have been alive looking for something good and always falling so sadly short until now. until her...

she is the reason i want more time. because i want to do everything with her. see everything i have seen before, but with new eyes because everything has changed. i believe in god-not because she is with me, but simply because she exists. because i didnt believe someone as purely wonderful as she is could see me, could love me. we have the same soul. she has restored all my faith that had been damaged, broken. i feel like now that we have each other we can do anything. because i have found my partner and all my fear has fallen away. if it wasnt for her, i would have never known what it feels like to be truly loved by another. she gives me everything. i feel like the plant that was dying-finally watered and put in the sun. because of her im beginning to really love and accept myself. im so grateful-because of her, i know i deserve this.

Friday, December 23, 2005

turning point

so, i woke up remembering something today. when i was in my early twenties i always had older friends. i was remembering how their drinking was confusing to me. i barely drank at that point in my life since i was under the tyrannical thumb of the evil ex husband. but i watched my friends. they would talk about their drinking, sometimes very negatively. and all of them had "personal confession" moments where they said they believed they had a problem. then i would watch them get trashed and be completetly happy. i didnt understand how anyone could get addicted to drinking. now at twenty-nine i sit with my friends and we joke about how we are alcoholics. now im part of that cycle of wonder-"i wonder if maybe i do have a problem...." i keep telling myself no, but im waking up with more hangovers and less clarity about where im headed. everything feels so strange right now. its the holidays which already makes me feel nuts. people from my past are popping up all around me. i woke up yesterday with that feeling. i get it every few years-its time to run. so i pack up most of my things, throw away a bunch of stuff. it somehow relieves this pressure. today i just feel absolutely crazy. everything in me wants to run. the difference is i have someone i want to run with. and what im feeling for her is making me take a look at myself. because i want a good life, with her. i want to be healthy because i want to build a life with her. i want experiences that are not wrapped up in overindulgence. i dont want a shallow, superficial life. i dont want to wake up in a year and realize i dont know myself anymore. this life...
life is so long and it can be so scary. and ive always felt that the only thing that makes it worth it is love. and i can see the damage i have done to myself because it is a struggle to stay hopeful...it used to come so naturally. if i am to be totally honest with myself-i drink too much, period. and its not funny. i see these older, broken women in the bars and i know that the only thing that seperates me from them is time. and time is precious. i want to see the world, i want to do everything. and its not going to happen if i stay in the bars. falling in love is making me want more. i think of her, of all my friends-drinking and driving, smoking, hurting ourselves...and time is flying by. i feel this sense of urgency because someday, somehow i will cease to exist. its inevitable, i know. but when i go i want to know i lived the best life possible, that i didnt destroy myself, that i lived in faith and love instead of fear and misery. i will not be broken.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

faith

so, awhile back a friend told me this story about a date she was on. she had asked her date, "how do you know when its real?" they were at a resteraunt, and he just took her hand and walked her outside. he put her back to the sun and told her to close her eyes. then he told her to keep her eyes closed and slowly turn around. she told me when she felt the sunlight hit her face and immediately start warming her she understood. thats how you know its real. because you go from feeling cold and in the dark to suddenly standing in the light. i know what that feels like now. somehow, the universe decided to bless me with the most beautiful person i have ever met. and she came in and shined her light on me during one of the darkest periods i have had in a very long time. the reason i stopped writing and just isolated is because for a just a quick moment (but long enough to hurt me) i got sucked into drugs again. crazy! i drink but i havnt done drugs in years really. it pulled me in fast and hard. all of my self destructive tendencies came out in full force. and as jessie (goddamn, that girl is one tough cookie!) told me on the phone one day-its not funny anymore. and it wasnt. i just felt like i was blowing everything-because of loneliness, dissatisfaction with life. i was having this 'fuck it all' feeling of im nothing but my fathers daughter-why fight it? quick dissent into addiction and eventually i will destroy my soul and it wont matter. i ran away for a bit. i went to montana to try and get myself sorted out, and it was so good. but the night i came home i was right back to the drugs. several bad days and nights later i decided i just didnt want to hurt myself anymore. i saw that i had taken it too far. i decided that even though my life hadnt turned out how i wanted it at this point, that it was extremely immature and selfish to just destroy it out of spite. and im sorry for making my friends worry, i just want to say that. but i pulled myself up again. and then i saw her. i have never had a relationship with a woman before, but i had never been opposed to it. and its been smooth, almost effortless. im really, truly in love with her. she has the strengths that i lack, she has a soul that matches mine, she has a beautiful heart. i tell her that she is a blessing. and when i say that its because i feel she is a gift given to me by the universe for making the right choice, for walking away from what was hurting me. i havnt felt this kind of connection with someone in so long, maybe ever. because evrything feels new with her, right with her. everything i have been asking for im now recieving. and she loves me. she knows me and she STILL loves me-miracles...
she tells me im perfect and i want to hide my face in my hands and tell her to run away from me, but then i think to myself-"i think she's perfect too, so just maybe its possible that for whatever reason somehow i AM perfect for her." ive been folded into her life, her home, her friends and its like i have always been here, always belonged with her. there is the side of me that gets scared because its new, because good things seem to slip away-but i dont want to be scared or sit in doubt. im choosing faith for this love because i feel like its the one i have been waiting for all along. i felt so lost over this summer and fall. i had always felt like there is a path for me (however rocky) but the last several months was the first time in my life i truly believed i had taken a wrong turn and lost my way. but now i see i had to go through that darkness so i would feel the sunlight when it hit me. im crying right now as i type this because now that light surrounds me all the time, and i feel so lucky and grateful. the most beautiful name in the world is shannon.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

someday

someday i will write again. i always kind of thought that old saying about if you dont have something nice to say keep your fucking trap shut was pretty smart. i dont have anything really nice to say. i hurt my face, busted it open in the parking lot of a bar. that song keeps going through my head-this is not really happening...
something has to give soon or im in trouble.....
if any of my friends still check this thing and are wondering why, where, what the fuck-you are not alone. im not answering anyones call's. im isolating on purpose because i am fucked up and i dont want to share it. just know there is no lack of love for any of you-just for myself right now. and im trying to start fixing that.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

thanks for the distraction

dear whats-your-name,
i just want to say thank you. for god knows what reason you have a physical form that suits me even if nothing else about you is quite right. when you tuck me in the perfectly fitting crook of your arm, and wrap your arms around me just so-im allowed to forget for minute that i dont have a home, a husband, a sweet beautiful child or two. you give me a respite from the feeling that i have somehow failed myself. you help me to focus on you (instead of myself) since you have so many issues that are obviously so much more desperate and sad than my own. you have given me a deeper insight and understanding into my mother and the desicions she made in her life since you brought me to the understanding you are so much like my dad at your age-a precious man with a huge heart and anger at the world to match. i dont want to like you, i dont want to possibly end up (loving) you. but please, keep doing what you are doing and i surely will. see, im not right so i will happily follow you into the depths of your hell and then i will pay for the cab back for both of us.
so, thank you for the distraction. i dont really feel my stomach growling anymore because all i want to do is shrink until i dissapear into you. you are big enough and if i get small enough i think i might be able to.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

febreze my life

so, this morning as i was using one of my favorite things, febreze, i realized how much i wish they made a febreze that i could simply spray all over my life. for those not in the know-febreze is this lovely product that you spray on stinky things to make them nicer. like me-at ten am (still drunk) tring desperately to get the scent of alcohol/ciggs/bar funk/b.d.l. off me before going to work. why not shower you ask? because when you make bad desicions at night it comes down to getting twenty more minutes of sleep-to get you twenty minutes further from the night before. which brings me to today. i know there is a universal force out there-and it has a wicked sense of humour. i know this because although i will go have a beer (or 5) the night before work i will NEVER get trashed because i simply respect the people who are coming to me and i would not want to dissapoint them. but, im a definitivly imperfect human. i fell from grace last night. i kicked myself violently as i poured half a bottle of febreze on myself. and i prayed for a moderately slow day. well, when i got to work i quickly discovered how much bad karma i have. they decided that a new 80 minute body treatment needed to be tested out-on a manager-by ME!!! no joke-i actually did start praying at that point.
"please universe, please let me not smell too much like a brewery. please let the makers of febreze realize their lovely product MUST be tested on alcohol-soaked, ciggerette-infused idiot girls. please somehow infuse me with a grace that i dont deserve right now to be able to do this for my manager and do it well." then it just kind of dissolved into a mindless mumble of "pleasepleaseplease....."
i did it. luckily, he's a really nice guy. all of my managers are actually wonderful.
i dont think anyone at work realizes quite what a crazy life i live outside of work. most of the people there are beautiful, fantastic people-but-they are mostly married,a lot of them are religious. i just dont think i would be understood if they knew. im just at a different place in life then them. except deb, maybe.
this weekend i got to hang out with my coworker, deb. deb is like a valkyrie. i can see her as this incredible warrior women. i gave her access to this writing, so now i can no longer consider her a coworker. she is simply my friend. hi deb :)
the funny thing is tonight is my friday and im so exhausted i can barely move. and still my wanderlust propels me on. my cranky inner six-year old is whining, "please just STOP you dummy!" blech....febeze my life quick-its getting stinky....

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

open head, remove brain

in an attempt to make good on my word i am actually forgoing sleep!!! just to write a quickie this morning. so, sunday i was invited to go to olympic gardens (stripclub) for some event with the boys (b.d.l. and his b.f.f.) im SOOOO grateful that some part of me saw the folly in that idea and did not go. which must have worked to drive him crazy wondering what i was up to because he knows im off at eight, and he called at 8:05 last night. its funny because just last thurs. he had this total "whore" sex with me. sex thats great, but you definately do not feel cherished in any way. "suck my dick, get on top of me" sex. the morning after that i didnt even kiss him goodbye. just got my clothes on and said-later. well, i thinking maybe he didnt like that because ever since he has been really sweet and affectionate again. dont get me wrong-im all for a completely dirty romp, but if the guy has any feelings for a girl it has to be tempered with some sort of humour and affection. he invited me over last night which is cool because ive never really just hung out with him during the week. and he was so affectionate, and we had a really good time together. and he held me all night. and he does this really cute thing where he will wake up about fifty times a night and ask me if im okay. "no, i actually died about ten minutes ago and you missed it...." :)
this thing is niggling the back of my brain. this is not my guy. but theres just something. he's a towhead-so blond its white almost. his face is as red as a beet-he's irish. his two front teeth are really big and long-buggs bunny? he's covered in hair, he's got a beer belly. and i am so attracted to him. i have to be so careful with this. but it seems im on the right path. i dont call him and he comes around. he is definately one of those people the less i ask for the more i will get. i just hope he doesnt go all back and forth on me again. i told him he needed to knock that off two weeks ago, cause im not trying to be serious. (or maybe im trying not be serious-catch the difference?) aaaackaaaaaga-he's a baby punk! what am i doing????
maybe its really all about animal pheremones. i like his smell. and he's always taking a deep breath in my neck. he said he doesnt want anything serious either. but i see something in his eyes. as jess would say-god lord!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

oops, i did it again...

okay, okay-ive said this before, but i mean it this time (i swear!) im going to be more consistant with this writing thing-apparently it brings laughter and happiness to others and you all know i just live to serve ;)
i feel like i have a really boring life compared to most people, but then i go three or four weeks without writing-its like "where to begin to catch-up." and even though its mostly "drink, sleep, repeat..." there can surely be humour found in every day. take last wednesday-im walking through the the belly of the casino where i work and a fancy-pants waiter for one of our upscale resteraunts walked past me in full tux with his nose in the air carrying above his head what should have been a silver tray piled with exotic fruits (from the way he was acting) but instead was a carboard box full of mini frito-lay chip bags. maybe its just me, maybe no one else could have seen the incredible humour there-but i was almost falling over laughing. funniness abounds if you let it. last night sitting around a table full of friends from over the years and having jessie sing to me, "once, twice, three times a loser..."
me and her were walking through a casino the other day and i saw these two little old ladies walking holding arms the way they do. one looked kind of nervous, and the other one had that "come on bertha, it will be fine" kind of attitude and i bumped jess to show her, "that will be us some day."

NOTE-i just have to say at this point that the writing gods punished me tonight. i wrote for about three hours and never noticed i had lost my connection so when i tried to publish this damn thing i lost everything from here down. see, i had figured out the meaning of life-no, really-and wrote it all down. mysteries of the universe solved, and i was going to share it with everyone. now all you get are more of these silly stories from my life. oh well, lesson learned.

the past couple of weeks have been great, awful, crazy, dangerous, boring. i have been alternately thanking the universe for my good fortune and screaming curses at it. ive done (GASP!) drugs and been to an old-fashioned ice cream social. i finally took an ex's advice to try online dating but after having my profile viewed on match (no joke) 400 times and the creepy messages from a guy ive never met calling me angel i felt a wee bit too exposed and pulled myself off. (there was seventy dollars well spent!) i told this same ex recently that i just really like the way a big guy feels, i like the way you can feel his arms wrap around you. he told me if i lost some weight more guys could get their arms around me-OUCH!!!! i guess i really tweaked his "small guy" nerve center.
i was told by a friend that no guy who makes me cry is worth it. i told her not to worry, no guy makes me cry. i just make myself cry. she was referring to my b.d.l. (big, dumb lug.) i met him i guess about a month and a half ago. he's a bouncer at (drumroll please................)
a bar! of course. (you just dont meet guys that put off that ever so attractive aroma of trouble at church.) when i first talked to him i walked into the bar and told jess he was a big, dumb lug and she came up with an appropriate jingle fast-"its luuug, its luuug, its big-its dumb-its lug!" i was thinking this guy is young, he's a punk, he's a drunk, he's Trouble. now that i think about it, i cant believe it wasnt love at first sight! but somehow this guy with nothing going for him got me hooked. actually he does have something going for him-for some inexpicable reason i just feel happy around him, he makes me smile. like i said not all 22year olds are dumb punks. when we first started talking i totally felt like the cool older girl being chased by this guy but of course human emotions are messy, and everything always changes after you've slept with someone. i think we both got a little attatched and then things shifted. i told him i did not want, and would not have anything serious with him and he agreed that is what he wanted. so now we have gone through this back and forth thing and kind of come out in a new place. i think we both believe we have the upper hand right now. i think we are both wrong, so i'll just have to see how it goes. i dont even know what it is about him thats driving me crazy. b.d.l. my a.s.s.-he probably knows exactly what he's doing. where's my dunce cap? :) he does make me smile though. what is it about bad guys? i just need to keep in mind the most important lesson i have ever learned from my cat, karma. there is nothing uglier than jealousy. whenever i try to give lovin' to my other kitties, karma gets seriously pissed and he will attack them (and sometimes me!) and in that moment i dont see the furry love of my life-i see physco-kitty. not so pretty. and i havnt behaved jeaously around the b.d.l., but i did make the classic mistake of being too "there." so the future with him is a mystery, but i think i have my head back on.
my beautiful friend maria was visiting from england (a shout out to the brittish lassies across the pond who apparently think im just as crazy as the peeps over here!) you know you have a true friend when you can go seven months without talking and when you do see the person its like no time has passed. one year and four months to go girl, hang in there!
my oldest friend, dm, is here opening the new show at the wynn and its so nice. things are just better for everyone in general when she is around. she just creates that wherever she is at. i was really blue last wed. and she suprised me-showed up on my door and scooped me away. i ended up staying at her hotel with her which brought up all kinds of happy memories about being on tour. it was great. before that though we had decided to stop by my beloved neighborhood bar for a drink. when we got there it was completely empty, except for THE showponies! what is with this guy?!?!? how is possible i can keep running into him! aaaack! if i wanted to find someone i could probably search the city from top to bottom for months and have no luck. at least there was an oppurtunity for redemption after the misfortune of seeing him at the gym. the funny thing is the blue ribbon winner from the night a few weeks back took off pretty fast and he pranced right over and back into my affections. yes, i really do have sucker written all over me ;) i cant help it! i wouldnt want anything from him now, but he is fun-he's entertaining. i played sweet and clueless with him and of course got an invitation to another show. he loves to talk all about his bad boy days-all the bands he played with and the drugs and wild times but how having children reformed him. i told him about my b.d.l. and my penchant for bad boys in general. like last sunday when my b.d.l. called me drunk at 4 in the afternoon after the lovely bartendress stole his keys from him. of course i went and got him...the pony laughed at me and asked where "in the hell" i was when we has 27. without missing a beat i replied "high school." apparently not only do guys not appreciate being made to feel small, they dont care for being reminded they are older. fuck it! i have to get my jabs in where i can because i have spent intirely too much of my life babying guys and being the "nicest girl ever." i was moaning to jess if i have to hear that godamned phrase one more time im going to rip my hair out. she showed up within a few hours with a book for me that i will only refer to as my new, personal bible. all i can say is that if i can ever get some guy to call me a bitch i will simply smile and say thank you.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

showponies

so, im here to say-"fuck the showponies!" there is a guy in town who i thought i had a crush on. a guy i thought i had some chemistry with. a guy who seemed interested.
but no. he is a musician (warning #1) who is in several different ventures in town. i met him when he got a massage-in fact, three in under two weeks. and he asked me to come check out one of his shows. so i did. and he was so nice, asked me for a drink afterward, etc. then, poof...nothing. for three weeks. so about the time i had let it go (and met someone else-more on that later) he calls and asks me to a different show of his. i wasnt busy, so sure-i went. and he was so nice, bought me a drink, dedicated a song to me as his massage therapist (which gave me quite a few stares and the obligitory comment about happy endings-people, i have heard it before-not original and not so funny.) then, a girl from his work shows up and i have seen her around so i start talking to her. well, when his set finishes he comes over and starts talking, drinking, and flirting with both of us. im still not bothered because im thinking-"she's a co-worker, he's got chemistry with me..." the night goes on and on...maybe i should have left earlier...in any case-i start to realize this girl is a showpony. she is so much like so many people i was on tour with.
"look at me, look at me-see me prance, wanna hear a song?" generally, these are very fun people and i love em, i swear. but through the fog of alcohol i started to realize this pony was planning on getting the blue ribbon that night. i am not a competitor. i will not talk over someone else to be heard. and i will not sing and dance to get laid-no matter how attractive the guy is. the sad thing is in my hopeful naivete i thought surely this attractive, talented man isnt going to fall for this-any minute she's going home-and maybe i'll go home with him. i am not an idiot-but i swear i thought he was just indulging his co-worker and waiting to be alone with me. till i came back from the bathroom. that fucked up feeling of when your heart literally hits the floor when you see the guy you thought you liked sucking face with the showpony and you realize he's not indulging her, he's indulging you and they are probably sweating bullets just waiting for you to leave so they can get the hell out of there and go have all kinds of animalistic sex. i think i actually felt my heartbeat in my ears. needless to say, i made feeble excuses and left-but not before he invited me to another show of his a few days later. dont ask me why i said yes-shock perhaps-yes, yes-anything to get out of here this instant. dont ask me why i went-but i did. maybe out of morbid curiousity-my inate desire to punish and ridicule myself. he talked to me between sets for one minute and said, "if you care about me-PLEASE have a beer waiting for me when i finish." sure, i got him a beer. which he came and got and walked away with for twenty minutes after the show. when he finally came back i told him i had to go. can you guess what happened....?
he invited me to yet ANOTHER show! thats when i realized-he's a fucking showpony too!!! meanwhile, ive really been getting more into another guy im seeing-so im thinking-"screw this jackass, really!!!"
i fully planned on probably never seeing him again (unless he comes in for massage of course which is out of my hands.)
but then last night...
jessie and i decided we will stop going to the bars during the week and go to the gym instead. last night was our first night going. i got there early and felt incredibly intimidated for whatever reason so i walked out front to wait for her. can anyone guess who i ran into? in my oversized, unfashionable workout clothes, greasy ponytail hair and no makeup? does anyone feel my pain?
yep-it was him. he pranced right up to me. there are 2.5 million people in las vegas. the odds of runnning into someone you dont want to see are extremely slim. the odds of running into them when you are having an insecurity-driven mini-panic attack and looking truly at your most hellish are apparently excellent in my case. i never have had much luck in this city...

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

chchchanges...

so, very soon-maybe even tomorow when i can see to type i will write a blog about show-ponies and the way i am affected by them. i am a bit tipsy right now. what i can say right now with certainty is not all 22year old's are dumb punks and even though i have had another three and a half days off it somehow never feels like quite enough. i have yet to tap into my inner show-pony apparently.
ps-the fast was amazing and i will surely do it again soon

Saturday, July 16, 2005

day eight

so, if anyone would have told me i would be in this good place after quitting smoking without any forthought or real preparation AND not eating for eight days i would have called them crazy and ordered another drink. :)
its good. i feel wonderful. i smoked pot when i was a teenager which is years ago, and i remember the giggly feeling, permagrin, ect. its kind of how i feel now. light, innocent, unfettered, un-needing if that makes any sense. at this point im deciding to go with this for as long as my body accepts it. and so interestingly, my mind seems to be quite accepting too.
i have always had this chatter in my head. incessant, repetive thoughts about food, ciggerettes, alcohol. its the addict in my personality. its this voice that i give into over and over. this voice that has strangely fallen so silent.
i never saw willy wonka and the chocolate factory when i was little. last night i went and saw the remake with jess. and i met a character i was quite familiar with.
veruka salt, the little girl who who always says "i want..."
my voice has a name (and now a brittish accent.)
this has been my problem all along. i have been unwilling to say no to this inner part of me that just wont shut up. its funny-all i had to do was starve her.
that was actually my greatest fear before starting the master cleanse-that the chatter would drive me crazy. but for whatever reason, all is still.
its nice. with this clear quiet head i was room for all kinds of interesting thoughts, realizations. stepping out of my comfort zone with my habits is allowing me to step out of my comfort zone upstairs.
tonight in the shower i was thinking about friendships as artwork. some of my friendships are like paintings done with a one-hair brush. there is so much detail. you can see every line, every nuance of color, every space between light and dark.
some paintings are simply done with broader strokes. they can be equally beautiful, but some have just had more time and thought put into them. the time and thought put into a piece will inevitably create a different type of painting.

Monday, July 11, 2005


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yes, master...

so, i really hate it when i take so long inbetween posts. i feel like i have to play massive catch-up, so i keep putting it off, more catch-up-its an ugly cycle...
so tonight i commit to writing.
i guess semi-lots has happened...
first-the detox....was a disaster. i was a detox-dropout. the VERY first night (wouldnt you know...) an old friend called in distress. his dog had died, and he was crying. i was actually in bed, almost asleep at 11pm on a saturday night. i felt the hysterical laughter and pointing fingers of the universe-no point fighting. he specifically asked for beer and ciggs. and i had gone all day without smoking, too!
oh the irony. i love animals, and men-how could i say no? i didnt even put up a fight. i cracked a beer, lit a smoke, and settled in to listen to him cry and then suddenly-oh yeah, thats right-he brought out a little tray with white powder on it. i drink yes, but i cant remember the last time i was even around drugs. he offered and i declined-twice. but after two and half hours and a six-pack my resolve crumbled. i did a few of the tiniest lines amaginable-but still my head was flying. then my mission of mercy took a funky turn when my grieving friend decided this certainly could become a mercy-fuck! (the soundtrack to this moment is britney spears "toxic"-no joke. my fuzzy, addled mind recognized my limits (yes, i have them) and i got the hell out of there AND....drove straight to my old ex. cause i was on drugs! and i really wanted to have sex! just not with grieving man!
anyways, the next day i decided i could surely bounce back from the slip-up. but then i was cranky from coming down (truly ridiculous considering the miniscule amount i did) and going through massive regret about my own goddamned addictive fucking nature (THANKS DAD!!!) i continued to smoke and to justify it to the countless inconsiderate people who smugly pointed out that i couldnt be truly detoxing if i was still smoking. still as far as the eating right and drinking went i really did stick it out for a whopping six days at which point i started having a beer a day and found myself in a few very shameful moments eating fast food in my car secretly in the middle of the night. i can still justify this somewhat...my mom was doing really good on the detox deal and i didnt want to screw up her momentum. i know she would have felt discouraged if she knew...(shame and self-loathing reaching explosive levels.) over the next week i gamely hung in somewhat, got through the weekend with a little lapsing, and just kind of dropped the whole business and fell into extreme displeasure last week. all of this was very good and here is why-i hit a bottom of sorts. i felt covered by the toxicity of all of my choices in life. and i realized how much i truly, truly wanted to quit smoking and do something sweet for my poor body. so i did. for real, forever. i am a non-smoker now. i also fell into some quick interest about the master cleanse. i am at the end of day three, and i feel wonderful. there are a lot of different ideas about how long to do it for, however i feel like knowing the different things my body will go through-i can just listen and i will know when its time to come off of it. its reaaally extreme, but somehow i think thats why it will work for me-i can handle extremes. more than a detox, it is a cleansing fast. i think the whole purpose of the "detox" was to show me my weaknesses, and desires for change, and to prepare me for this. i feel utterly strong in my decision to stop smoking no matter how long i do this fast for. if anyone is interested i give credit to allen carr's "the easy way to stop smoking." worked for jessie too. i also need to say i have the best friend ever!!!!-who somehow, no matter what, still thinks im cool and not completely crazy.
other than this 'cleanse-detox-smoking-body' stuff...
i had the coolest zombie dream-my first ever!!!
i was insanely, nightmarishly groped by a drunk bartender!
i got scratched across the eyeball by a playful kitten!
i have a mini-crush on a cool client!
i decided to go to scotland for a few weeks!
and i feel sweet and kind of silly, just to myself. its from not smoking-i feel innocent and light. it feels good...:)

Thursday, June 16, 2005

the art of unhappiness

so, im in this place where evrything just fucking sucks. im in a bad place. i left work sick(ish) yesterday, didnt go back today-and have spent the majority of this free time sleeping or staring at the wall. trying to read and not being able to focus. trying to watch something on tv and having my mind wander off. im two days from starting this 21 day detoxification program that includes not drinking, quitting smoking, eating extremely healthy, and in general trying to be good to myself and my body. im really nervous about it, for reasons that are hard to articulate. we could chalk it up to a fear of failure. i have been blowing off a lot of different friends for different reasons, and i feel unable to set things right with anyone. maybe im going into a period of hermitage. there is a good friend i have known since i was thirteen. i have always had this affection for her. i had been hanging out with her and her girl a lot and it was starting to get to me-my attraction to her. i really like and respect her girlfriend, so i guess i figured the thing to do was just dissapear. this is purely my own stupidity and i do see that. i guess i just feel that even though i would never do anything to disrupt their thing-that just by going over there and having this affection i was being disrespectful. i dont know. its so dumb. she is a wonderful friend-i wish there wasnt any attraction there. i told another friend i hated him recently-actually i think i said detest or despise. but thats not true. it just doesnt feel good to be around him lately. we were together almost a decade ago, and over the last year we have become good friends (and sometime lovers) again. perhaps this is my folly. even though i dont want a relationship with him i feel somewhat possesive with him. but he is not to be possessed and i know it. the problem with him is that sometimes he will make you feel like you are the most special, important person. until he swings the other way and he is drinking and you hear him talk that way about everyone. he created a scenario that made me feel incredibly un-special so i told him i hated him and left. pretty stupid. i should know better than to get too close in that kind of situation. he's an ass, no doubt-but i dont hate him.
i have been feeling lately like its entirely possible that i might never meet anyone and fall in love again. i was watching somestupid thing on mtv, and there were a couple of women between 47 and 50 and they hadnt been with anyone in 20 years. i did the math in half a second and my blood LITERALLY went icy. the last time these women dated was around my age. i still feel very young-somewhere between 19-22ish BUT-i am not. i am 28. the idea is beginning to set in and im getting the first glimpses of fear that i have always heard women talk about. and i dont like it. its fucked.
so i can lower my standards and just date anyone so im not alone OR i can treat it like a job and go about finding the best person for me (whether or not there is love) OR i can be alone possibly for the rest of my life. none of these things are love-these are not options. my only option is to hold my faith and my morals and see what happens-but i have to be honest and say that the idea of being alone for the rest of my life is unnacceptable. not because i cant handle it-but because that is not a life i want to live! i want someone to share it all with.
i guess this is the root of whats bothering me.would anyone understand if i said im not afraid of being alone, but im afraid of what being alone will do to my soul eventually? i cant even delve too much into this or im going to miss work tomorow and have another day of staring into space trying to find some sense of it all.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

i (heart) NYC

so, even though i couldnt bring myself to but one of the crappy tourist shirts to walk around in and proclaim it to the world-i do, in fact, love the city. i had an amazing time there. i have heard my entire life that new york is dirty, rude people, dangerous, ect. well, not the one i saw. i experienced a city with heart and soul. the energy there is incredible-its so alive! whereas, vegas mostly feels like a retired hooker with a drinking problem and an oxygen tank.
i got to see a lot of people from the tour i was on, they are all dancers and most of them live there. it was cool. whats funny is most people cant grasp the concept when you say you have never been to the city. they say, "oh okay" but they dont get it. i have to elaborate-"i have never, not once, in my life...been here, ever."
then-shock and confusion. "never?" "no, not once-ever."
for new yorkers there is no other city.
so for my first big day, i put my boots on and pounded the pavement for four hours. i walk really fast so i kind of fit in. until that is, i went up to a doorman at the chrysler building and asked if i was at the empire state building. the look he gave me withered me-contempt and pity! i felt like i had just used the wrong fork at a fancy dinner. it was a great day though. the next day, however i realized my folly of wearing the cowboy boots. my feet hurt like something was broken-literally. i felt hobbled! i limped for the next four days and in fact over a week later-they still hurt! i got to spend the day with trevor and we saw a play together. in fact-i saw three shows while i was there. i rode the staten island ferry and as it was returning to the island and we passed the statue of liberty all i could think about was the countless immigrants who streamed into that port, including my dutch ancestors. i never knew that it was the dutch who first came and settled the island as new amsterdam to be a trading and shipping port. the whole thing was kind of awing. it does feel semi-good to be home. my city might be a drunk whore with no heart, but she's mine.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

NYC

so, tonight i am going to new york to see my friend dm, and trevor from the tour. since i have been off the road and gotten used to not flying once a week, im having my usual pre-flight "i will surely die tonight" rumminations about my life. im nervous, i cant pack, im trying to figure out how to not go. and how stupid is that?
i do this all the time. it was awful on tour. i was positive i was going to die. i dont like being in planes-its not natural. my last several flights i have been piss-drunk just to deal with it. so, instead of having this dramatic running dialouge in my head (that is seriously preventing me from packing) i will blog it.

"if i die tonight...."
"i would want my friends to know how absolutely vital and wonderful they are, and im including my mom here-she is a most special friend to me. (if i die, jess, you have permission to bring her here.) i hope my last thought would be of summer, the sun, my Karma, and love. i hope that my mom would be okay. my friends would be charged with looking after her. i would want mich to get my jewelry and distribute it. i was going to talk about cremation, but if we are going with the "death by fiery plane crash" scenario that probably isnt nessecary. i wish i had perfect spelling, and a baby. all in all, its been a pretty great life-if i had any pain at the thought of it ending, it would only be that i havnt found HIM yet and had a baby. i would probably be a "hoverer" so if i die look for little signs that im still with you. i really want to see what happens with lost and alias, so i would have to stick around for awhile. oh god, im just not ready. i dont want to die-im young and still semi-hopeful. see, this is where it gets out of control. i look just like any other person walking through the airport, but if you could hear whats going on in my head...a docter would probably be called to sedate me. in reality-a plane is taxying for takeoff, in my head-WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! STOP THE PLANE!!!! PLEASE....HELP ME...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH. sniff...whimper
in reality-a pocket of wind, a bit of turbulence, in my head-I WARNED YOU ALL!!! THIS IS IT!! DEATH BE NOT PROUD!!!!
in reality-we are approaching the landing strip, in my head-BRACE YOURSELVES, HERE IT IS, EXPLOSION IN 3,2,1....
okay, just because we are on the ground doesnt mean we are okay. WE ARE SURELY ABOUT TO BE HIT BY ANOTHER INCOMING PLANE!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHH!
usually by point im am close to passing out from holding breath. this is ridiculous.
i HAVE to pack, or i will literally miss my flight. okay, alright. so, goodbye everyone. take care, follow your hearts. im proud of...well...most of you. JustKidding!!! if i die tonight, please remember me."